The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
air of sagacity and importance, that his fame began to spread, and
before the end of the season, he had ravished more than one half of the
business from his competitor. Notwithstanding these fortunate events,
he foresaw, that he should find great difficulty in transplanting his
reputation, so as to take root in London, which was the only soil in
which he could propose to rise to any degree of prosperity and
independence; and this reflection was grounded upon a maxim which
universally prevails among the English people, namely, to overlook and
wholly neglect, on their return to the metropolis, all the connexions
they may have chanced to acquire during their residence at any of the
medical wells. And this social disposition is so scrupulously
maintained, that two persons who lived in the most intimate
correspondence at Bath or Tunbridge, shall in four-and-twenty hours so
totally forget their friendship, as to meet in St. James’s Park,
without betraying the least token of recognition; so that one would
imagine these mineral waters were so many streams issuing from the
river Lethe, so famed of old for washing away all traces of memory and
recollection.
Aware of this oblivious principle, Doctor Fathom collected all his
qualifications, in order to make such an impression upon the heart of
Miss Biddy, as would resist all her endeavours to shake him from her
remembrance; and his efforts succeeded so well, that Squire Stub’s
advances to a reconciliation were treated with manifest indifference.
In all probability our hero would have made a very advantageous
campaign, had not his good fortune been retarded by an obstruction,
which, as he did not perceive it, he could not possibly surmount. In
displaying his accomplishments to captivate the daughter, he had
unwittingly made an absolute conquest of the mother, who superintended
the conduct of Miss Biddy with such jealous vigilance, that he could
find no opportunity of profiting by the progress he had made in her
heart; for the careful matron would never lose sight of her, no, not
for one moment.
Had the old lady given the least intimation to our adventurer, of the
sentiments she entertained in his behalf, his complaisance was of such
a pliable texture, that he would have quitted his other pursuit, and
made her the sole object of his attention. But she either depended upon
the effect of his own good taste and discernment, or was too proud to
disclose a passion which he had hitherto overlooked.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
REPAIRS TO THE METROPOLIS, AND ENROLS HIMSELF AMONG THE SONS OF PAEAN.
Before this affair could be brought to a proper explanation, the season
being almost ended, the ladies departed from Tunbridge, and in a little
time Doctor Fathom followed them to London, having previously obtained
permission to visit them in that metropolis. He had solicited the same
favour of some other families, in which he hoped to take root, though
he knew they were pre-engaged to different physicians; and resolving to
make his first medical appearance in London with some eclat, he not
only purchased an old chariot, which was new painted for the purpose,
but likewise hired a footman, whom he clothed in laced livery, in order
to distinguish himself from the common run of his brethren.
This equipage, though much more expensive than his finances could bear,
he found absolutely necessary to give him a chance for employment; as
every shabby retainer to physic, in this capital, had provided himself
with a vehicle, which was altogether used by way of a travelling
sign-post, to draw in customers; so that a walking physician was
considered as an obscure pedlar, trudging from street to street, with
his pack of knowledge on his shoulders, and selling his remnants of
advice by retail. A chariot was not now set up for the convenience of a
man sinking under the fatigue of extensive practice, but as a piece of
furniture every way as necessary as a large periwig with three tails;
and a physician, let his merit, in other respects, be never so
conspicuous, can no more expect to become considerable in business,
without the assistance of this implement, than he can hope to live
without food, or breathe without a windpipe.
This requisite is so well understood, that, exclusive of those who
profess themselves doctors, every raw surgeon, every idle apothecary,
who can make interest with some foolhardy coachmaker, may be seen
dancing the bays in all places of public resort, and grinning to one
another from their respective carriages. Hence proceed many of those
cruel accidents which are recorded in the daily papers. An apothecary’s
horses take fright, and run away with his chariot, which is heard of no
more. An eminent surgeon being overturned, is so terrified at the
thoughts of mutilation, that he resolves to walk on foot all the days
of his life; and the coachman of a physician of great practice, having
the misfortune to be disabled by a fall from the box, his master can
never find another to supply his place.
None of these observations escaped the penetrating eye of Fathom, who,
before he pretended to seat himself in this machine, had made proper
inquiry into all the other methods practised, with a view to keep the
wheels in motion. In his researches, he found that the great world was
wholly engrossed by a few practitioners who had arrived at the summit
of reputation, consequently were no longer obliged to cultivate those
arts by which they rose; and that the rest of the business was
parcelled out into small enclosures, occupied by different groups of
personages, male and female, who stood in rings, and tossed the ball
from one to another, there being in each department two sets, the
individuals of which relieved one another occasionally. Every knot was
composed of a waiting-woman, nurse, apothecary, surgeon, and physician,
and sometimes a midwife was admitted into the party; and in this manner
the farce was commonly performed.
A fine lady, fatigued with idleness, complains of the vapours, is
deprived of her rest, though not so sick as to have recourse to
medicine. Her favourite maid, tired with giving her attendance in the
night, thinks proper, for the benefit of her own repose, to complain of
a violent headache, and recommends to her mistress a nurse of approved
tenderness and discretion; at whose house, in all likelihood, the said
chambermaid hath oft given the rendezvous to a male friend. The nurse,
well skilled in the mysteries of her occupation, persuades the patient,
that her malady, far from being slight or chimerical, may proceed to a
very dangerous degree of the hysterical affection, unless it be nipt in
the bud by some very effectual remedy. Then she recounts a surprising
cure performed by a certain apothecary, and appeals to the testimony of
the waiting-woman, who being the gossip of his wife, confirms the
evidence, and corroborates the proposal. The apothecary being summoned,
finds her ladyship in such a delicate situation, that he declines
prescribing, and advises her to send for a physician without delay. The
nomination of course falls to him, and the doctor being called,
declares the necessity of immediate venesection, which is accordingly
performed by a surgeon of the association.
This is one way of beginning the game. Though the commencement often
varies, and sometimes the apothecary and sometimes the physician opens
the scene; but, be that as it will, they always appear in a string,
like a flight of wild geese, and each confederacy maintains a
correspondence with one particular undertaker. Fathom, upon these
considerations, set up his rest in the first floor of an apothecary in
the neighbourhood of Charing Cross, to whom he was introduced by a
letter from a friend at Tunbridge, and who being made acquainted with
his ability and scheme, promised to let slip no opportunity of serving
him; and, indeed, seemed to espouse his interest with great alacrity.
He introduced him to some of his patients, on the strength of a gratis
visit, sounded forth his praise among all the good women of his
acquaintance; and even prevailed upon him to publish advertisements,
importing that he would every day, at a certain time and place, give
his advice to the poor for nothing; hoping that, by means of some lucky
cure, his fame might be extended, and his practice grow into request.
In the meantime his chariot rolled along through all the most
frequented streets, during the whole forenoon, and, at the usual hour,
he never failed to make his appearance at the medical coffee-house,
with all that solemnity of feature and address, by which the modern
sons of Paean are distinguished; not but that he was often puzzled
about the decision of his diurnal route. For the method of driving up
one street and down another, without halting, was become such a stale
expedient, that the very ’prentices used to stand at the shop doors,
and ridicule the vain parade. At length, however, he perused the map of
London with great diligence, and, having acquired a distinct idea of
its topography, used to alight at the end of long narrow thoroughfares
and paved courts, where the chariot was ordered to wait till his
return; and, walking with great gravity through the different turnings
of these alleys, regain his carriage by another passage, and resume his
seat with an air of vast importance. With a view to protract the time
of his supposed visits, he would, at one place, turn aside to a wall;
at another, cheapen an urinal; at a third corner, read a quack
advertisement, or lounge a few minutes in some bookseller’s shop; and,
lastly, glide into some obscure coffee-house, and treat himself with a
dram of usquebaugh.
The other means used to force a trade, such as ordering himself to be
called from church, alarming the neighbourhood with knocking at his
door in the night, receiving sudden messages in places of resort, and
inserting his cures by way of news in the daily papers, had been so
injudiciously hackneyed by every desperate sculler in physic, that they
had lost their effect upon the public, and therefore were excluded from
the plan of our adventurer, whose scheme, for the present, was to exert
himself in winning the favour of those sage Sibyls, who keep, as it
were, the temple of medicine, and admit the young priest to the service
of the altar; but this he considered as a temporary project only, until
he should have acquired interest enough to erect an hospital, lock, or
infirmary, by the voluntary subscription of his friends, a scheme which
had succeeded to a miracle with many of the profession, who had raised
themselves into notice upon the carcases of the poor.
Yet even this branch was already overstocked, insomuch that almost
every street was furnished with one of these charitable receptacles,
which, instead of diminishing the taxes for the maintenance of the
poor, encouraged the vulgar to be idle and dissolute, by opening an
asylum to them and their families, from the diseases of poverty and
intemperance. For it remains to be proved, that the parish rates are
decreased, the bills of mortality lessened, the people more numerous,
or the streets less infested with beggars, notwithstanding the immense
sums yearly granted by individuals for the relief of the indigent.
But, waiving these reflections, Doctor Fathom hoped, that his landlord
would be a most useful implement for extending his influence, and, for
that reason, admitted him into a degree of partnership, after being
fully convinced that he was not under articles to any other physician.
Nevertheless, he was very much mistaken in reckoning on the importance
of his new ally, who was, like himself, a needy adventurer, settled
upon credit, and altogether unemployed, except among the very refuse of