The Adventures of Roderick Random
equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a
couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their cash in a very short
time. But what surprised me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply
to one of the countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in these
words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my honour?”
I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a
character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the
indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and
the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some sort,
for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle
from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner,
began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This
good humour of this parson inspired the company with so much glee that
the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing
in the yard.
While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a
horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out,
“Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor
coming into the inn.” He immediately commended his instrument, and ran
towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped
him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his health.
This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty,
having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with
great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he
called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the
submissive questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his
family. While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound
silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked him if
he would not be pleased to honour him with his company at dinner? To
which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to
visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the
last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he
should dine at home. Accordingly when he had made an end of his bottle
and pipe, he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where
his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than
the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this
manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the d—l go with him. You see
how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not
deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred pounds
per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty
miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for twenty pounds a
year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications but—comparisons are
odious. I should be glad to know how this wag-bellied doctor deserves
to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home,
indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine and enjoy the
conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen.
Betty is the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no
matter for that; ay, and dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits
regularly every year, though I must own I could never learn in what
county they live, My service t’ye, gentlemen.”
By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every
man’s share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence
of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two
farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no
sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had
been silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin: “Ay, ay this
is an old trick of Shuffle; I could not help smiling when he talked of
treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up
some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifte at the
university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No one knows his
talents better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an
intimate companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape by
pawning some of his lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned
away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of
my lord’s conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so
made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him
to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too
much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in
spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is
really diverting company; these qualifications make him agreeable
wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not a man
within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat, and
can shift a card with such address that it is impossible to discover
him.”
Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had
not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they
engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it
was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides,
he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was
notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who
taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate’s knavery, and
insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this demand the
exciseman as positively refused affirming that, whatever sleights
Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he
had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any
bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up and, having paid his
reckoning, sneaked off.
The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was
gone, shook his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to
have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the
excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed
together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick
the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose,” continued Boniface
with a whisper.
CHAPTER X
The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence against him—proceed
to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at another inn, where we go to
Bed—in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—next night we
lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster—our Treatment there
Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a
crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the
way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the
middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle.
The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went
in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his
pistols, made prisoner without any further opposition. They were
carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people,
to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped at our inn
to join their companions and take refreshment.
When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of
peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful
dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled
me with such terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged
by this alteration in his appearance that, going up to the thief, he
presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would either
cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately
produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded from this adventure by
me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was
now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all
satisfaction enough.
But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being
detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just
going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to
comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the
same road that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight we arrived
at the place of our destination, but as the justice was gone to visit a
gentleman in the country, with whom (we understood) he would probably
stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret, three
stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape; this,
nevertheless, was the case; for next morning when they went up stairs
to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at
the window upon the roof from whence he continued his route along the
tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he
skulked until the family were asleep; at which time he ventured down
stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, which was open.
This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him,
who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy,
as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without any further
molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had
hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and before night
reached a market town twenty miles from the place from whence we set
out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here
having taken up our lodging at an an inn, I found myself so fatigued
that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired
Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return horses, or any cheap
carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed
that the waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights
ago, and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the
next day, at farthest, the day after the next. This piece of news gave
us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed
mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one
allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we
were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well
dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition,
as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went
to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two
or three o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very profound
sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw
me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced
with a terrible voice: “Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts
of him that’s next you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out
presently.”
This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than,
starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and
overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire!
murder! fire!” a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and
filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were
brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was
no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor,
scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at
the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.
This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having
listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and
threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This
made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep
and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger