The Adventures of Roderick Random
vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth;
but what attracted the notice of everyone was our landlady, with
nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches,
with the backside before, which she had slipped on in the hurry, and
her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders; one had wrapped
himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the
drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo
with a bolster rolled about his middle.
When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,
the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any
further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast,
paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the
waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As
we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with
fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired
for a public-house, and were directed to one of a very sorry
appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable
old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire
in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a cheerful countenance accosted
us in these words: “Salvete, pueri. Ingredimini.” I was not a little
pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of
recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I
therefore answered, without hesitation, “Dissolve frigus, ligna super
foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the
old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili
mi dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding
we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his
regard enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel
who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum,
repeating from Horace at the same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O
Tholiarche, merum diota.” This was excellent ale of his own brewing, of
which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the use
of himself and friends.
In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of
Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster,
whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor
for the entertainment of passengers by which he made shift to make the
two ends of the year meet. “I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old
fellow in his majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in
heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two chief
pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large
edition of Horace that lay on the table). I am old, ’tis true—what
then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that
remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: ‘Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas)
quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum
credula postero.’”
As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of
acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he
enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he
was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime he ordered
his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved
this night to regale his friends—permittens divis caetera. While our
entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his
own life, which, as they contained nothing remarkable, I forbear to
rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drunk several bottles of
his I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some
difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should
overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in
it for half-a-dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that
convenience.
Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the
good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his
benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our
lodging and entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has
conceived a particular affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper
with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves
have called for?”
I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world
made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes,
we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale,
and desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know,
gentlemen,” said he; “for I never mind these matters. Money matters are
beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan—Crescentum
sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy, having consulted a slate
that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. “Eight
shillings and seven pence!” cried Strap, “’tis impossible! you must be
mistaken, young woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father, very
deliberately; “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied she,
“I know my business better.” I could contain my indignation no longer,
but said it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the
particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us
see the particulars—that’s but reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and
paper, wrote the following items:
To bread and beer 0 6 To a fowl and sausages 2 6 To four bottles
of _quadrim_ 2 0 To fire and tobacco 0 7 To lodging 2 0 To
breakfast 1 0 —— 8 7
As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a
sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was
not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented
myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner
from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and did not know the
world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to
live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies. My fellow
traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he
should either take one-third of the money or go without. While we were
engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and,
conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand,
which was no sooner done than Biddy returned with two stout fellows,
who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught, but in reality
to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was
half-distracted on account of this piece of expense, went up to the
schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great
emphasis—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a
malicious smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”
CHAPTER XI
We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our Fellow Travellers
described—a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange
things
We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being
engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily
exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to
diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me
thus: “Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had
been taken, that old skin-flint should have been d—n’d before he had
got more than the third of his demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily
by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah! God help
you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I earned four
shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs!
How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were numbed by the
cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the
periwig that hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I
would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in for
a guinea—I’m sure—I have beat stouter men than either of them.” And,
indeed, my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no
danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments
of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this
extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which
declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know
that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend
big money with the best squire of the land.
Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a
refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy,
the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we
reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe it would
have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We,
therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a
cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet
the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the
journey.
Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder,
Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he
was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words:
“God’s fury! there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was
so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined
proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great
velocity and a countenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving our
astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay woant
yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man,
get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain; I’se not afeard of the
coptain.”
This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not
without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like
distant thunder—“Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you
smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty
place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without
being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark.
Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the
other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the
stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in a most dreadful manner,
“Blood and thunder! where’s my sword?” At these words my frighted
comrade started up, and, at one spring, bounced against me with such
force that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to
press me to death. In the meantime a female voice cried, “Bless me!
what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d—n
my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s
hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and
laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and
the woman who spoke before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own
fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with.
I thank God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir
John were to know where we are they would not sleep this night for
vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall
never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it
don’t signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope
you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry
with our adventures in this diligence.”
The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady
that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately
after another female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great