The Adventures of Roderick Random
peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his
betters.” Then the wit going toward him, asked him what he had got in
his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing
him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all
present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious
manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a
box on the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and,
in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap
beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which
banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an
instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel
was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two
cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play.” His
assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by
his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck
him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to
the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my
success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained
by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but
in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite
recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse,
and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the
company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by
the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.
After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the
landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were
amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be
altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he
told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook
ourselves therefore to the street, where seeing a footman standing at
the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron
lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying us both
very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn
down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to
the left again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane,
through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an
alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the
Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his
information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this
person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he
opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good
manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.
We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to
the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before
us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that
perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to
pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were
pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I
went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the
Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the
shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our
peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman,
than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer
lived in the other end of the town and that it would be to no purpose
for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House.
I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really gave us a
line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler’s shop not far from
St. Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at
the rate of two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed
was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of
furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way
of chairs. About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to
live? to which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by
him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of eating in this town
for people of your condition—the one more creditable and expensive than
the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by
well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by
those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him
to understand that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit
much better with our circumstances than the other. “Infamous!” cried
he, “not at all; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and
fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman
with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three
pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a
figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear
witness—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you.”
He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade
us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into
a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and
descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s
shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded
by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen
out of place or on board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe,
cow-heel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths which
turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit
down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of the
stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the
cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her
fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging
to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so
miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a
volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.
While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence
peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the
poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a woful
countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the
patient’s stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the
contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, when the
drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, broke forth into
such a hideous yell as made the whole company tremble, then, seizing a
pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together,
as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the
same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent
transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with
oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another
difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s insisting
on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would
pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his
moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap,
foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy
the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which
entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this
accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon
shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence
halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.
CHAPTER XIV
We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his advice—we go to Mr.
Cringer’s house—are denied admittance—an Accident befalls Strap—his
behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of
which I lose all my money
In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house,
which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we
accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This
gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept
a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian
languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the
English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any
practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their
master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a
tittle: for although I could easily understand every word of what I had
heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his
dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or
Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not
above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the
small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a
night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant’s old
sash, and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the
fashion of King Charles the Second’s reign.
After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously,
he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the
hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my
situation, he assured me that he would do me all the service in his
power, both by his advice and otherwise, and while he spoke these words
eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and
muttering, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight is here!” I soon guessed
the reason of his ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir, you are not
pleased with my dress.” “Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat you
please in your country, but I vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No
Christian will admit such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience,
I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s
market? Bless my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an
ourangoutang.” I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and
asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the
house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction
into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching his
cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary;
but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I
pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes,
at which he stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear! Oh dear!” I began to
conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would
assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and
as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood,
in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to
appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks,
which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all
mankind. And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back
and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.
As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his
friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide
for him with some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see
how I will fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and
that’s a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead
hair, upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long