The Adventures of Roderick Random
he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle;
and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his
proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy. “As to that,” he
replied, “nothing obstructs my happiness but the want of a little ready
cash; for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for
a week or two, but I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by
being detained too long by the dear charmer—but there will be a recall
at Chatham next week, whither the ship’s books are sent, and I have
commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money.” “If that be
all,” said I, “there’s no great harm in deferring your marriage a few
days.” “Yes, faith, but there is,” said he; “you don’t know how many
rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me. I would not
balk the impatience of her passion for the world—the least appearance
of coldness or indifference would ruin all; and such offers don’t occur
every day.”
I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to
proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I
must be obliged to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would
lend me a small sum for a day or two?” I assured him, I was such an
utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a
guinea if my life depended upon it. “No!” said he, “that’s hard—that’s
hard! I wish I had anything to pawn—upon my soul, you have got
excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of
that kind have you got?” I answered, “Six ruffled, and six plain.” At
which he testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought
to have more than four. “How many d’ye think I have got?” continued he;
“but this and another, as I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall
be able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity: let me see—let me
see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate
computation—now, suppose we pawn them for half-price—eight times eight
is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; that will do—give me your
hand.” “Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I; “don’t dispose of my
linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then
we shall talk of other matters.” He protested that he had not above one
shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of
the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me
so much that I swore I would not part with him until I had received
satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would
not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.
At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very
hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him
not only to make his own fortune but mine also. “You talk of pawning my
shirts,” said I; “suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I
believe it would fetch a good round sum.” “No, hang it!” said he, “I
can’t appear decently without my hanger, lest it should go.” However,
seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled
his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry
it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means
have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise;
but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only
opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s
shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas
Williams. “Two guineas!” said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger;
“this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty
shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs
will redeem it, he shall have what he wants;” and accordingly he paid me
the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson; and,
calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings,
reserving the other five for myself. After looking at the money some
time, he said, “Well! it don’t signify—this won’t do my business; so
you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five
shillings you have kept.” I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept
of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it.
Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was
excessively raw or I would not talk in that manner. “Upon my word,”
cried he, “I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won’t borrow
of his friend when he is in want—’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit.
Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this
half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if
not, I shall never ask it.”
When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be
persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who
offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much
better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at
night imparted my day’s adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good
luck, saying, “I told you if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and
who knows but this marriage may make us all. You have heard, I suppose,
as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great
lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. I say nothing; but
yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there
was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many sheep’s eyes at a
certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock,
knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I
sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose; whereby he uttered a
deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and
made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman
baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and
the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble
member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for
what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither
read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak
Latin—but I will say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain
than vanity.” With these words, he pulled out of his pocket a
wax-candle’s end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon
examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee of his
wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart shaver. I
congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he
understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very
little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my
incredulity.
CHAPTER XVII
I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined—a fierce
dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself
to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is detected—in
hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us
to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the
Round-house—carried before a Justice—his behaviour
With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all
the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of
examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in
order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who
walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I
immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of his love affair,
understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his friend’s
absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of
his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business
was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to
his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with
this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At
that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of examination,
with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if
he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about
him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with;
which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions
they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no
less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they
did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle
called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was
no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen
of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come
forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or
two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where
was you born?” To which I answered, “In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said
he; “I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to
examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts
did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?” I named
the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of; he then
proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my
time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that
I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was
a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons;
that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,
to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a
time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least:
that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or
shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at
any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.
This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits;
but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely
able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat
opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too
severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not
be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time
to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the
trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person
who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen
amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his
head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued
he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with
his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I
owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I
remember to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident,
in any of the systems of surgery I had perused.
Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of
the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to
smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the
‘animal risible’ in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged
by the success of his last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called
to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what
would you do?” I answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!”
said he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not
answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman
who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure
I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of