The Adventures of Roderick Random
undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to
my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it,
through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and
fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually
debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a
few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and
another boy; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so
incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my
machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and
schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform
the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this
trespass that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression
it made on me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and
horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The
contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the
continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition,
impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome
adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of
a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing
orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing
gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay,
a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that
I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window; though my
landlady and the whole family bore witness that I was abed fast asleep
at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for
having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in
which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being
bitten by a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate,
the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.
Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed
over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the
more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the
injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon
genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my
father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics,
writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was
allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This
qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength of
make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such
influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor;
and was in hope of being able to bid him defiance in a very short
time. Being at the head of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most
of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettle to trial,
that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put
my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we attacked a body of
stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground
allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then
playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my
adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his
flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in
pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them
afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing
stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of
which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by
these alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to
the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.
It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the
course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole
village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one of the
parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which
name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in
awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present
myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason
of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female
grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among
themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of
all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but
fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding
his grandfather’s indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home;
who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young
Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in
distress, never sat eyes on me without uncoupling his beagles, and
hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for
shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his
preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself
with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to
the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the
verge of fourscore.
The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one
day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house,
where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent
marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth,
and effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.
CHAPTER III
My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description of him—he goes
along with me to the House of my Grandfather—is encountered by his
Dogs—defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—is admitted to the old
Gentleman—a Dialogue between them
About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being
informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender
finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the
present, but resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed
on my grandfather to settle something handsome for the future. This was
a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not
only of the judge’s disposition, but also of the ways of men in
general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter
stranger.
He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that
of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood
the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a
soldier’s coat altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel
jacket, a pair of red breeches spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted
stockings, large silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his
shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked the brims about an
inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk
handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a
furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. Thus equipped,
he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance)
for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar,
whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well
acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake
myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished
his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the
ground; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by
Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled
about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler’s head from his body. By
this time, the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with
pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom
they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at
the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance,
and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the
curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle
stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody
weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted
their leader thus:
“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what
I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot
a head, clear of you.”
Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or
was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of
resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his
followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who,
putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you
lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread
work. I’ll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.”
This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check
the progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him,
perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and
left him to decide the contention by himself.
Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking, “Who
the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I
suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall
escape, sirrah—I’ll have you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your blood shall
pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted
with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian,
you!” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,” replied my uncle,
“else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with
an oaken towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he sheathed his hanger,
and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being
alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was
the matter. “The matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great matter,
young woman; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark,
belike, won’t allow me to come alongside of him,” that’s all. After a
few minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather’s
chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very
significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge’s
presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in
this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what
cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom
Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him
neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his cloth
don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y
see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t lay
a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My grandfather (who was laid up
with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with
that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was
glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir,
I had as lief stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I desire nothing
of you; but, if you have any conscience at all, do something for this
poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do
I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to