The Adventures of Roderick Random
drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery: tell me therefore, without
reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be
acquainted with the true state of your conscience; for no physician
will prescribe for his patient until he knows the circumstances of his
disease.”
As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling
at the chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured
more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending
auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to
salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined. This reply
disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his meaning, in
making learned distinctions between what was absolutely necessary and
what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I
professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference
of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but
that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word the chaplain expressed
great astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend how a
presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government.
Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths;
to which questions, I replying in the negative, he held up his hands,
assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state
of reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making merry in
the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo(2) and wine.
(2)bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg
This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as
the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I began
to see strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point of being
delirious; in the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I
started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself
into the sea; and, as my friend the sergeant was not present, would
certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a
moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my hammock: the
appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and
resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by
tearing the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed, and
wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a
quarter of an hour, felt all the pains of hell: but it was not long
before I was recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that,
bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours,
relieved me from all my complaints except that of weakness; and left me
as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I
was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of future happiness,
when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant if
I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the other, “God forbid he should be
otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to
disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.” “Ay,” said my
fellow-mate, “he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not waken
till the great trump plows—Cot be merciful to his soul. He has paid his
debt like an honest man—ay, and moreover, he is at rest from all
persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Cot knows, and I
know, he had his own share—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth
indeed!” So saying he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a
manner, as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The sergeant,
alarmed at his words, came into the berth, and, while he looked upon
me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink: he immediately guessed my
meaning and remaining silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my
being dead; whereupon he approached, with tears in his eyes, in order
to indulge his grief with a sight of the object: and I counterfeited
death so well, by fixing my eyes and dropping my under-jaw, that he
said, “There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Cot help me!” and
observed, by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong
struggle.
I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he
began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my
mouth, upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers and discomposed him
so much that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the
picture of horror; although I could not help laughing at his
appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my
hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making
in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so far
as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease;
but when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated
me upon my good fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the
blister he had applied to my back, at his last visit; which, by the
bye, said he, must now be removed and dressed; he was actually going to
fetch dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, said, “Bless me! sure
you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my back, I assure
you.” But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and then
endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in
finding the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order to excuse
myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to
have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off
afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who,
on this occasion, abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to
punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had
the benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I recovered
strength every day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were
perfectly re-established.
When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with
a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a
disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word.
After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a fierce
countenance, pronounced, “Here’s fine discipline on-board, when such
lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are allowed, on pretence of
sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard
duty!” The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me
so much that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his
pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I
had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my
passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his
insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore.
At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for
nothing more than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was ordered
to be heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England;
and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient
for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a
gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much as to be
safe without the tropic: all his care and tenderness of himself being
insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun
and weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane
along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander
came on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella,
and appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin
young man, dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished with a red
feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed upon his
shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, consisting
of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut
retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat
embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a brooch
set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was
of the finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin: the knees of his
crimson velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to meet his silk
stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from
shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles that flamed forth
rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked
with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his
side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the
most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and
white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an
intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious
ring on the little finger of each hand.
In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession
of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in
their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition;
and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to
affirm the climate of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My
fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he had found
an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected; and,
remembering the old proverb, “Spare to speak, and spare to speed,”
resolved to solicit the new captain’s interest immediately, before any
other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this view he
repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check
shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same
(neither of them very clean,) which, for his further misfortune,
happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into
this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a couch, with
a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap bordered with
lace about his head; and after several low congees began in this
manner: “Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the
presumption of one who has not the honour of being known to you, but
who is, nevertheless a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had
misfortunes, Cot help me, in the world.”
Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started
up with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; and, having
recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone signifying
disdain, curiosity and surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s
first mate on board of this ship,” replied Morgan: “and I most
vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased
to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and my
pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I hope, will entitle me to
the vacancy of surgeon.” As he proceeded in his speech, he continued
advancing towards the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted
with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried with
great emotion, “Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow,
away with thee! Curse thee, fellow! Get thee gone! I shall be stunk to
death!” At the noise of his outcries, his servants ran into his
apartment, and he accosted them thus: “Villains! cut-throats! traitors!
I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry that monster away?
or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With these
interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his
valet-de-chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed
his temples with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with
spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming
to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance and,