The Adventures of Roderick Random
concerting schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky
as to get rid of the army. The business was to make ourselves easy for
life by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual
methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable, so that, after
much canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, but when we
parted, recommended the matter to the serious attention of each other.
As for my own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I
thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk
of seas, enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I
should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business
already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in England, must
labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles
insurmountable by the most shining merit: neither should I succeed in
my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter
nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked
and contemptible administration. Before I could form any feasible
project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blest with the image of the
dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand
as a reward for all my toils.
Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found
exulting over his happy invention! for I no sooner entered his
apartment, than he addressed himself to me in these words, with a smile
of self-applause: “Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a
fool’s head sometimes. I have hit it—I’ll hold you a button my plan is
better than yours, for all your learning. But you shall have the
preference in this as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let
us know the effects of your meditation; and then I will impart my own
simple excogitations.” I told him, that not one thought had occurred to
me which deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be
acquainted with the fruits of his reflection. “As we have not,” said
he, “money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it
is my opinion that a bold push must be made; and I see none so likely
to succeed as your appearing in the character of a gentleman (which is
your due), and making your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can
render you independent at once. Nay, don’t stare—I affirm that this
scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw
yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath would
stink you into a consumption in less than three months, neither would I
advise you to assume the character of a wealthy squire, as your common
fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into
matrimony, and instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was
promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband’s rapacious creditors,
and herself reduced to misery and despair. No, I know you have a soul
that disdains such imposition; and are master of qualifications, both
of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set you
above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a duke need not
be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, if not
there are plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to
Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out
for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in
quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a
servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing of
God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue.”
Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure,
because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began
to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.
After breakfast, Monsieur d’Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the
marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a
discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had
time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of
fate, which to bear with moderation required some degree of philosophy
and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I give a detail of
the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an
instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. My wardrobe
consisted of five fashionable coats full mounted, two of which were
plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another with
silver lace, two frocks, one of white drab, with large plate buttons,
the other of blue with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocade; one
of blue satin, embroidered with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with
figured broad gold lace; one of black silk, with fringes; one of white
satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth
breeches; one pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair
of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of
white cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d’Espagne, another with
silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain;
three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of
cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other
moveables, which I possessed by the generosity and friendship of Strap,
were a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable diamond rings, two
mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut steel
inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, and a set of stone buckles
for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with rich
housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted
with gold, having the picture of a lady in the top. The gentleman left
many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash
before I met with him; so that, over and above these particulars, our
stock in ready money amounted to something more than two hundred
pounds.
Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by my
honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited
the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared at
Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty
eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I spent at
Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, opera, and
playhouse, danced at a masquerade, and, in short, saw everything
remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out for England by
the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and
took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at
Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London,
having disposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon.
CHAPTER XLV
I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to sea—take Lodgings
at Charing Cross—go to the Play, where I meet with an adventure—Dine at
an ordinary—the Guests described—become acquainted with Medlar and
Doctor Wagtail
As soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to inquire for my
uncle at the Union Flag in Wapping; and he returned in a little time,
with an account of Mr. Bowling’s having gone to sea, mate of a merchant
ship, after a long and unsuccessful application attendance at the
Admiralty; where, it seems, the interest he depended upon was not
sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to him
when he quitted the Thunder.
Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing Cross; and
in the evening dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris cut,
and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of
company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed with an
uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit
intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous
coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of the
company might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed by my
absurd behaviour into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, covered
and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my
watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing
again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might
have all opportunity of showing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with
perfumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, and adjusted my
sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of
obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which I
found two considerable obstructions in my disposition—namely, a natural
reserve and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have entered into
conversation with the people around me: but I was restrained by the
fear of being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that
I was more entitled to a compliment of this kind from them, than they
to such condescension from a stranger like me. How often did I redden
at the frequent whispers and loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I
imagined were excited by me; and how often did I envy the happy
indifference of those choice spirits, who behold the distress of the
scene without discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern.
My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help
weeping with the heroine of the stage, though I practised a great many
shifs to conceal this piece of unpolite weakness.
When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing
some lady to her coach; but everyone was attended by such a number of
officious gallants, that for a long time I was balked in my
expectation. At length, however, I perceived a very handsome creature,
genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance from
me; upon which I went up to her, and offered my service. She seemed to
be in some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance, and with a tender
look declined giving me the trouble: looking at her watch, and
testifying her surprise at the negligence of her footman whom she had
ordered to have a chair ready for her at that hour. I repeated my
entreaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was master of; and, in
the event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made, to
send my servant for a chair or coach: accordingly, Strap was detached
for that purpose, and returned without success. By this time the
playhouse was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire. As I led her
through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion
standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipped my charmer the
wink, and when we were passed, I heard a loud laugh. This note aroused
my attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady’s
character, before I should have any nearer connection with her. As no
convenience appeared, I proposed to conduct her to a tavern, where we
might stay a few minutes, until my servant could fetch a coach from the
Strand. She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern
with a stranger, but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances,
rather than endanger her health by remaining in a cold, damp
thoroughfare. Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she
would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the greatest
aversion to all sorts of strong liquors, and it was with much
difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly.
In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she
discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; at
which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing look, that
seemed, however, too near akin to the lewd leer of a courtesan. This
discovery added to my former suspicion, while it put me upon my guard