The Adventures of Roderick Random
against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain
her with gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I
pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day at her
lodgings, a request which she, with many apologues, refused, lest it
should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be
fretted with trifles. This information, by which I was to understand
that her husband was a knight, did not check my addresses, which became
more and more importunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a
kiss. But, O heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial flavour,
that her delicacy of complexion promised, I was almost suffocated with
the steams of Geneva! An exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which
had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors,
not only changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into
loathing; and it would have been impossible for me to have preserved
common complaisance five minutes longer, when my servant returned with
a coach. I took the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand
to the lady, who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her
charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so little
reserve that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with
joy as he followed us to the door; but I was proof against all her
endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to take my
leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house,
whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the
pleasure of my conversation for half-an-hour without interruption. I
told her there was no mortification I would not undergo, rather than
endanger the repose of her ladyship; and, bidding the coachman drive
on, wished her a good night. She lost all temper at my indifference,
and, stopping the coach, at the distance of about twenty yards from me,
popped out her head, and howled with the lungs of a fishwoman, “D—n
you, you dog, won’t you pay the coach-hire?” As I made no answer, she
held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me
pitifull fellow, scoundrel, and a hundred such appellations; concluding
with an oath, that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no
money in my pocket.
Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered her coachman to
proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for
supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure. I dispensed
with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence that my own
servant was present, and, when we were alone, said to Strap, “Well,
Monsieur d’Estrapes, what d’ye think of this lady?” My friend, who had
not opened his mouth since her departure, could make no other reply
than the monosyllable “Think!” which he pronounced with a note of fear
and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and,
perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked if he had seen his
grandfather’s ghost? “Ghost!” said he, “I am sure I have seen a devil
incarnate! Who would have thought that so much devilish malice and
Billingsgate could lurk under so much sweetness of countenance and
modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti nulla fides—nimium ne
crede colori—but we ought to down on our knees, and bless God for
delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre!” I was pretty
much of Strap’s opinion, and, though I did not believe myself in any
danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act
with great circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that
kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and constitution.
My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance:
for which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for the
resort of good company, English as well as foreigners, where my
appearance procured all the civilities and advances I could desire. As
there was an ordinary in the same house, I went upstairs to dinner with
the other guests, and found myself at a table with thirteen people, the
greatest part of whom were better dressed than myself. The
conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on
politics; and I soon found the whole company were in the French
interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who contradicted
everything that was advanced in favour of his Most Christian Majesty,
with a surliness truly English. But this trusty patriot, who had never
been out of his own country, and drew all his maxims and notions from
prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal to his antagonists, who were
superior to him in learning and experience, and often took the liberty
of travellers in asserting things which were not strictly true, because
they thought themselves in no danger of being detected by him. The
claim of the Queen Of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy was
fully explained and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me,
and, by the solemnity of his manner and the richness of his apparel,
seemed to be a foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced another
on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young
gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock, trimmed with
gold, who justified the French king for his breach of that contract;
and affirmed that he could not have observed it without injuring his
own glory. Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman’s
arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity which, I imagined,
must be the effect of his illustrious birth and noble education, and
accordingly rated him, in my conjecture, as a young prince on his
travels. The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman, of a
very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of
Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to the
honour of the French and disadvantages if the Allies, that I began to
entertain some doubts of my having been there in person, and took the
liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced. This freedom
introduced a dispute, which lasted a good while, to the mortification
of all present; and was at last referred to the determination of a
grave person, whom they styled Doctor, and who, under a show of great
moderation, decided it against me, with so little regard to truth, that
I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no small
entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced at my
defence of a cause he had so often espoused without success.
My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great
deal of candour, and told me, he should not have been so positive, if
he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each particular.
“Indeed,” said he, “I am convinced that the previous steps considered,
things could not happen otherwise; for we generals who have seen
service, though we may not be on the spot ourselves, know by the least
sketch of the disposition what must be the event.” He then censured,
with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of those who
commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the ministry,
which he honoured with many invectives for employing people who had
neither experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers, who
had been distinguished for both; dropped many hints of his own
importance, and concluded with observing, that the French and Spaniards
knew better how to value generals of merit; the good effects of which
are seen in the conquests they gain, and the discipline of their
troops, which are at the same time better clothed and paid than any
soldiers in the universe. These remarks furnished the green knight with
an opportunity of launching out in the praise of the French government
in general, civil as well as military; on which occasion he made many
odious comparisons to the disadvantage of the English. Everybody,
almost, assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave his
sanction, by saying, the people of France were undoubtedly the happiest
subjects in the world. I was so much astonished and confounded at their
infatuation and effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in
opposition to their assertions; but my morose associate could not put
up with the indignity that was offered to Old England, and therefore
with a satirical grin addressed himself to the general in these words:
“Sir, sir, I have often heard it said, She’s a villainous bird that
befouls her own nest. As for what those people who are foreigners say,
I don’t mind it; they know no better; but you who were bred and born,
and have got your bread, under the English government, should have more
regard to gratitude, as well as truth in censuring your native country.
If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have
their own reasons for so doing; and you ought to remember, that you
still live on the bounty of this nation. As for these gentlemen
(meaning the prince and ambassador), who make so free with our
constitution, laws, and genius of our people, I think they might show a
little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to
blame in harbouring and protecting, and encouraging such ungrateful
vagrants as they are.” At these words, the chevalier in green started
up in a great passion, and laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger,
exclaimed, “Ah! foutre!” The Englishman on the other hand, grasping his
cane cried, “Don’t foutre me, sirrah, or by G—d I’ll knock you down.”
The company interposed, the Frenchman sat down again, and his
antagonist proceeded—“Lookey, Monsieur, you know very well that had you
dared to speak so freely of the administration of your own country in
Paris as you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to
the Bastille without ceremony, where you might have rotted in a
dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun again. Now, sir, take my
word for it, although our constitution screens us from such oppression,
we want not laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse, and if
I hear another syllable out of your mouth in contempt or prejudice of
this kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I advance, and
have you laid by the heels for your presumption.” This declaration had
an effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young prince
became as supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general sat
silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it seems, had felt the rod of
power, grew pale as death, and assured us all, that he had no intention
to affront any person or people. “Your principles, doctor,” resumed the
old gentleman, “are no secret—I have nothing to say upon that head; but
am very much surprised, that a man who despises us so much, should
notwithstanding live among us, when he has no visible motive for so
doing. Why don’t you take up your habitation in your beloved France,
where you may rail at England without censure?” To this remonstrance
the doctor thought proper to make no reply, and an unsocial silence
ensued; which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle
disputes, maintained very often through whim or diversion, should
create any misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense, and proposed
to drink down all animosity in another bottle.
This motion was applauded by the whole company. The wine was brought,
and the English champion, declaring he had no spleen against any man
for differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference of
complexion, drank to the good health of all present; the compliment was
returned, and the conversation once more became unreserved though more
general than before. Among other topics, the subject of war was
introduced, on which the general declaimed with great eloquence,