The Adventures of Roderick Random
that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they
were differently used on different occasions: for example—to drink a
vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of
liquor, was in Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the other
hand, to use it moderately, was bibere and pinein;—that this was only a
conjecture of his, which, however, seemed to be supported by the word
bibulous, which is particularly applied to the pores of the skin, and
can only drink a very small quantity of the circumambient moisture, by
reason of the smallness of their diameters;—whereas, from the verb
poteein is derived the substantive potamos, which signifies a river, or
vast quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling at this learned and
important investigation; and, to recommend myself the more to my new
acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this time well informed of, I
observed that, what he alleged, did not, to the best of my remembrance,
appear in the writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto
and bibo indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode of
his first Book.
“Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis—
—Et prœlo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam.”
That I had never heard of the verb _poteein_, but that _potamos,
potema_, and _potos_, were derived from _pino, poso, pepoka_, in
consequence of which, the Greek poets never use any other word for
festal drinking. Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words,
“Nestora d’ouk elathen iache _pinonta_ perempes.”
And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion always in every page.
“_Pinonti_ de oinon hedun.
Otan _pino_ ton oinon.
Opliz’ ego de _pino_.”
And in a thousand other places. The doctor who doubtless intended by
his criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was infinitely
surprised to find himself schooled by one of my appearance; and after a
considerable pause cried, “Upon my word, you are in the right, sir—I
find I have not considered this affair with my usual accuracy.” Then,
accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very well, the conversation was
maintained full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in that language;
and indeed he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced,
notwithstanding his whimsical appearance and attention to trifles, that
he was a man of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked
upon me, as I afterwards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in
learning, and proposed that very night, if I were not engaged, to
introduce me to several young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with
whom I had an appointment at the Bedford coffee house.
CHAPTER XLVI
Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine Gentlemen with whom I spend the
Evening at a Tavern—our Conversation—the Characters of my new
Companions—the Doctor is roasted—our Issue of our Debauch
I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney
coach where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most
of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest
stood a group of them round the fire whom I immediately knew to be the
very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed my
suspicion of the lady who had put herself under my protection. They no
sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail (for that was my companion’s
name) than they tittered and whispered one to another, and I was not a
little surprised to find that they were the gentlemen to whose
acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for, when he observed them
together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he
should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he
advanced with great gravity, saying, “Gentlemen, your most obedient
servant:—give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your
society.” Then, turning to me, “Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell—Mr.
Banter, sir—Mr. Chatter—my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter sir.” I
saluted each of then in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by
the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no
small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take
any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I afterwards
learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking my air,
features, and voice, while he returned my compliment: this feat I
should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him behave in the
same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But
for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question
or control, resolved however to chastise his insolence at a more
convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger, asked
if I had been lately in France? and when I answered in the affirmative,
inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg Gallery? I told him I had
considered it more than once with great attention: upon this a
conversion ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter.
While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous
performance, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked up
this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, “Upon my
word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman—a man of fortune, sir—he has
made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, air.” “What,
he told you so, I suppose?” said the other: “I take him to be neither
more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre.” “O barbarous,
barbarous!” cried the doctor; “this is actually, upon my word,
altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly well, sir; he
is of the Randoms of the north—a very ancient house sir, and a distant
relation of mine.” I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr.
Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company
in general; but, as I might possibly by their means acquire a more
extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear these little
mortifications as long as I could without injuring the dignity of my
character. After having talked for some time on the weather, plays,
politics, and other coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we
should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood,
whither we repaired in a body.
Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke
supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my
associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the
doctor was entertained as butt for the painter and player to exercise
their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the
game by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits,
and in digestion, for he was troubled with all these complaints to a
very great degree. Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature
of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon prognostics,
diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then
calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective
operations; ascribed the player’s malady to a disorder in these organs,
proceeding from hard drinkings and vociferations, and prescribed a
course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking,
laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. “Pah, pah!” cried
Ranter, interrupting him, “the remedy is worse than the disease—I wish
I knew where to find some tinder water.” “Tinder water!” said the
doctor; “Upon my word, I don’t apprehend you, Mr. Ranter.” “Water
extracted from tinder,” replied the other, “a universal specific for
all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German
monk, who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to
Paracelsus.” “Pardon me,” cried the painter, “it was first used by
Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in his civil handwriting,
lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon, by a peasant who was digging
for potatoes—” “Well,” said Wagtail, “in all my vast reading, I never
met with such a preparation! neither did I know till this minute, that
Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.”
Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Dr. Wagtail
should make the least doubt of Solomon’s understanding Greek, when he
is represented to us as the wisest and best-educated prince in the
world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from
Ireland, in the time of the Crusade, by some knights of that country.
“I profess,” said the doctor, “there is nothing more likely. I would
actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be
inestimable; and, if I understood the process, would set about it
immediately.” The player assured him the process was very simple—that
he must cram a hundred-weight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and,
distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a
scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. “Upon my
integrity!” exclaimed the incredulous doctor, “this is very amazing and
extraordinary! that a caput mortuum should yield any water at all. I
must own I have always been an enemy to specifics which I thought
inconsistent with the nature of the animal economy; but certainly the
authority of Solomon is not to be questioned. I wonder where I shall
find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast quantity of
tinder, the consumption of which must, undoubtedly, raise the price of
paper, or where shall I find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a
mass?” Slyboot informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him
as big as a church: and, that the easiest method of raising the vapour
by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for
feverish patients, who might be upon mattresses around and in contact
with it. He had he sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail
exclaimed in a rapture, “An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved!
I will positively put it in practice.”
This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the
company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments,
which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts.
Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out and
entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the
last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the
dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the
shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that his
mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him: and soliciting his
company at the next occasion of that kind.
“No, d—mm,” said Bragwell, “I have something else to mind than dangling
after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides, you know my temper is so
unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes when a woman is
concerned. The last time I was there, I had an affair with Tom
Trippit.” “Oh! I remember that!” cried Banter; “You lugged out before
the ladies; and I commend you for so doing, because you had an
opportunity of showing your manhood without running any risk.” “Risk!”
said the other with a fierce countenance, “d—n my blood! I fear no
risks. I an’t afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head,
d—me! ’Tis well known that I have drawn blood more than once, and lost
some too; but what does that signify?” The player begged this champion
to employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill, for he
wanted to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such
an art the more naturally on the stage. “Die!” replied the hero: “No,
by G—! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex
jury—I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a
b—h, if he had not taught me to prick any of my antagonist’s body that