The Adventures of Roderick Random
I please to disable.” “Oho!” cried Slyboot, “if that be the case, I
have a favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on
the cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time
when the spear is thrust into his side. Now I should be glad if you
would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions,
without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking
a good clever agony from nature: the doctor will direct you where to
enter and how far to go, but pray let it be as near the left side as
possible.” Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed, that it
would be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the
thorax without hurting the heart, and in consequence killing the
patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a very nice hand
and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma somewhere about
the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being attended with
death: that he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to
Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which
might essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of a miscarriage.
Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter’s waggery as the
doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he held a very
great regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to
fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind
were uttered; the wine circulated, supper was served in, we ate
heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and
troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed,
Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sang French catches, and
Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with a wofull
countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length, it
was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the
constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed.
While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into the
room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail: when he understood he was present,
he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him, at which message
the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, and, with a
look of extreme confusion, assured the company he could not possibly be
the person wanted, for he had no connection with any lady whatever, and
bade the drawer tell her so. “For shame!” cried Banter; “would you be
so impolite as to refuse a lady a hearing? perhaps she comes for a
consultation. It must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady
to a tavern at this time of night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor’s
base-mains to the lady, and squire her hither.” The player immediately
staggered out, and returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall
strapping wench, whose appearance proclaimed her occupation. We
received her with the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of
entreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued,
during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, upon the
doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her
melancholy fourfold; at length, after a good many piteous sighs, she
wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: “What! not one word of comfort?
Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not
all my affliction! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me!
Where are thy vows, thou faithless, perjured man? Hast thou no
honour—no conscience—no remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me?
Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I have recourse to
heaven or hell for my revenge?” If poor Wagtail was amazed before she
spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing this address! His natural
paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lip
trembled, and he answered in an accent not to be described, “Upon my
word, honour, and salvation, madam, you are actually mistaken in my
person. I have a most particular veneration for your sex, and, am
actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam;
besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour
of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!” “How, traitor!”
cried she, “dost thou disown me then? Mistaken! no, too well I know
that fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting
tongue! Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me by his
unkindness, to expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under
the specious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and taking
advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and
afterwards abandoned me to my fate! I am now four months gone with
child by him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to
misery and want! Yes, thou barbarian,” said she, turning to Wagtail,
“thou tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation. But I
will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a
monster.” So saying, she sprang forward at the doctor, who with
incredible agility, jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragwell,
while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine.
Although everybody in the company affected the utmost surprise, I could
easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce
diversion at the doctor’s expense, and being under no concern about the
consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress
of Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged the protection of the
company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge
as the foetus in utero; and hinting at the same time, that nature had
not put it in his power to be guilty of such a trespass. “Nature!”
cried the lady, “there was no nature in the case; he abused me by the
help of charms and spells; else how is it possible that any woman could
have listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? Were these owlish
eyes made for ogling; that carrion complexion to be admired; or that
mouth, like a horse-shoe, to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to
your philtres, to your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural
talents, which are, in every respect, mean and contemptible.”
The doctor thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself
effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but for
half-an-hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing
in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance
and superstition. He accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse
upon the nature of ideas, the power and independence of the mind, the
properties of stimulating medicines, the difference between a proneness
to venery, which many simples would create, and a passion limited to
one object, which can only be the result of sense and reflection; and
concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness
in being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had never
injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were,
in all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes that an innocent
person was in danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner
finished his harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed her
lamentations, and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which,
she said, was able to bias the most impartial bench in Christendom.
Ranter advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to
save his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that
purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for the
child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter promised
to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship him for his
generosity, and, though he persisted in protesting his innocence,
condescended to everything rather than his unblemished character should
be called into question. The lady rejected the proposal, and insisted
on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and
undertook to rid him of her importunity for half-a-guinea; upon which
Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse, and put it into
the hand of his friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave it to
the plaintiff, and bade her thank God for her good fortune. When she
had received this bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, since the
physician had renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting
kiss; this he was prevailed upon to grant with great reluctance, and
went up with his usual solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of
his cheek with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish,
to the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought proper to
release him, she dropped a low courtesy to the company, and quitted the
room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on account
of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence of the bite; for,
by this time, he was convinced of her being mad. Banter prescribed the
actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be heated, in order to
sear the place. The player was of opinion that Bragwell should scoop
out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the painter
prevented both these dreadful operations by recommending a balsam he
had in his pocket, which never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog; so
saying, he pulled out a small bladder of black paint, with which he
instantly anointed not only the sore, but the greatest part of the
patient’s face, and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the
poor creature was so harassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him
extremely, and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclination of
everybody present.
This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his
displeasure by swearing a few threats, without making any application;
which, being perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he, with a view of
promoting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me
very ill, but every man was the best judge of his own affairs. I
answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell nor him to use
me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of his counsel in
regard to the regulation of my conduct. He thought proper to ask a
thousand pardons, and assure me he meant no offence; while Bragwell
feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged to take notice of
what passed. But the player, who had more animal spirits and less
discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest where he had
dropped it, jogged Mr. Bragwell and told him softly that I had called
him names, and threatened to cudgel him. This particular I understood
by his starting, up and crying, “Blood and wounds, you lie! No man
durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr. Random, did you call me names, and
threaten to drub me?” I denied the imputation, and proposed to punish
the scoundrel who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company.
Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same,
and accosted the actor in these words: “Lookee, Mr. Ranter; I know you
possess all the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I
have observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night, on
me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness
also; therefore, I desire you leap over this sword without hesitation.”
So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of about
three feet from the floor, and called, “Once-twice-thrice—and away!”
but, instead of complying with my demand, he snatched his hat and
hanger, and, assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst
out into the following exclamation, “Ha! must I then perform inglorious