The Adventures of Roderick Random
prank of sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep,
abridge my doleful days, and lay my head in fury’s lap—Have we not
Hiren here?” This buffoonery did not answer his expectation, for, by
this time, the company was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr.
Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two higher, that he might
have the better opportunity of exerting himself. The painter told him,
if he performed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter to the
proprietors of Sadler’s Wells; and Bragwell crying, “Leap for the
King!” applied the point of his sword to the player’s posteriors with
such success, that he sprang over in a trice, and, finding the door
unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his
share of the reckoning so easily.
It being now near two o’clock in the morning, we discharged the bill,
and sallied out into the street. The painter slunk away without taking
his leave. Billy Chatter, being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a
bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to Moll King’s
coffee-house, where after he had kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we
left him asleep on a bench, and directed our course towards
Charing-cross, near which place both he and I lodged.
The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he
honoured me by the way with many compliments and professions, of
friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told him I
thought myself happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the
unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight. He was
surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself; upon
which I mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail in the
coffee-house. He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, assuring
me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour; and
what he said was only intended as a joke on the doctor’s solemnity. I
was highly pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a
little proud of the good opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand
at parting, and promised to meet me the next day at the ordinary.
CHAPTER XLVII
Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a Chandler’s
Widow—finds himself miserably mistaken—I go to the Opera—admire
Melinda—am cautioned by Banter—go to the Assembly at Hampstead—dance
with that young lady—receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose
mettle is soon cooled—am in favour with my Mistress, whom I visit next
day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards—Strap triumphs at
my success, but is astonished at my expense—Banter comes to my lodging,
is very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows five guineas from me, as a
proof of his friendship
In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and,
finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his
eyes upon the ground, and, with a very foolish kind of simper upon his
face gave me to understand he had something to communicate. “By your
countenance,” said I, “I expect to hear good tidings.” “Indifferently,”
replied he, tittering, “that is, hereafter as it shall be. You must
know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition.” “What!” cried I,
astonished, “a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the
heels of me at last.” “N—no less, I assure you,” said he, bursting into
a laugh of self-approbation: “a tallow chandler’s widow that lives hard
by, has taken a liking to me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a
partridge. She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good
deal of the ready. I may have her for the asking. She told a friend of
mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking
clout. But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion
of the matter.” I congratulated Monsieur d’Estrapes upon his conquest,
and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those
circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and
give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be
brought to a conclusion. He assured me he would do nothing without my
consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at
breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was a short
thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular
prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some
suspicion of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and treated her
with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good qualities of
Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and
virtue. When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and
returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a
luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared
my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprised,
telling me he had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his
friend that she was only livergrown and would in few months be as small
in the waist as ever. “Yes,” said I, “a few weeks, I believe, will do
the business. In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you are
egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other than a
rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at
once deliver himself from the importunities of the mother and the
expense of her bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust
implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent
with his behaviour, nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that
you may afterwards wish exchanged for the hangman’s.” He seemed very
much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he
leaped; saying, with some heat, “Odds, if I find his intention is to
betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man.” My prediction
was verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an
infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this
happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my
penetration. His false friend disappeared; and a few days after an
execution was issued against her goods and household furniture, which
were seized by the creditors.
Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening
went to the Opera with him and Mr Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in
one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the
same time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds.
This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and I
discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon which he
assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had any
influence in that quarter: so saying, he went round, spoke to her some
minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning, told me, to
my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had
promised, for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter in a whisper,
gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would
grant the same favour to any young fellow in England of a tolerable
appearance, merely to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that
she might have the pleasure of seeing them daily increase; that she was
of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every passion but vanity, and
so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager the wealthiest fool
would carry her at last. I attributed a good deal of this intelligence
to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself
suffered a rebuff from the lady in question, and, at any rate, trusted
so much to my own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist
the ardour of my addresses.
Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with Billy
Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very
brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with
Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of
behaviour. Before the country dances began, I received a message by a
person I did not know from Bragwell, who was present, importing that
nobody who knew him presumed to dance with Melinda while he was there
in person, that I would do well to relinquish her without noise,
because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her. This
extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady’s hearing,
did not at all discompose me, who, by this time, was pretty well
acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the
least symptom of concern bade the gentleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that
since I was so happy as to obtain the lady’s consent, I should not be
solicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself to bring me no
such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda, affected a sort of
confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give
himself such liberties with regard to her, who had no manner of
connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display
my valour, and offered to call him to an account for his insolence, a
proposal which she absolutely refused, under pretence of consulting my
safety; though I could perceive, by the sparkling of her eyes, that she
would not have thought herself affronted by being the subject of a
duel. I was by no means pleased with this discovery of her thoughts,
which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the
most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her fortune, and
resolved to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a public
quarrel between me and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never
drive matters to a dangerous extremity.
While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end
of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he talked with
great vehemence, casting many big looks at me from time to time. I
guessed the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I had handed my
partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where he stood, and,
cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had anything to say
to me. He answered with a sullen tone, “Nothing, at present, sir;” and
turned about upon his heel. “Well,” said I, “you know where I am to be
found at any time.” His companions stared at one another, and I
returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach, and
immediately a whisper ran through the whole room; after which so many
eyes were turned upon me that I was ready to sink with confusion. When
the ball broke up, I led her to her coach, and, like a true French
gallant, would have got up behind it, in order to protect her from
violence on the road, but she absolutely refused my offer, and
expressed her concern that there was not an empty seat for me within
the vehicle.
Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by
permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by
her mother, with whom she lived. There were a good many fashionable
people present, chiefly young fellows, and immediately after tea, a
couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour to
play with Melinda, who in less than three hours, made shift to plunder
me of eight guineas. I was well enough content to lose a little money
with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity in the meantime to
say soft things, which are still most welcome when attended with good
luck; but I was by no means satisfied of her fair play, a circumstance
that shocked me not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her
disinterestedness and delicacy. However, I was resolved to profit by
this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less ceremony;
accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and, finding her not at all
disgusted with the gross incense I offered, that very night made a