The Adventures of Roderick Random
declaration of love in plain terms. She received my addresses with
great gaiety, and pretended to laugh them off, but at the same time
treated me with such particular complacency that I was persuaded I had
made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man
alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards
after supper, and with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated
of ten guineas more.
It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with a general
invitation; and, when I got into bed, the adventures of the day
hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of
possessing a fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate
on the character I had heard of her from Banter, and compare it with
the circumstances of her conduct towards me, which seemed to bear too
great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn. This introduced a
melancholy reflection on the expense I had undergone, and the smallness
of my funds to support it, which, by-the-by, were none of my own. In
short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept me
awake the greatest part of the night.
In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two days,
presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked
his opinion of the lady he had seen me conduct to her coach at
Hampstead. “Odds! she’s a delicious creature!” cried he, “and, as I am
informed, a great fortune. I am sorry you did not insist on going home
with her. I dare say, she would not have refused your company; for she
seems to be a good-humoured soul.” “There’s a time for all things,”
said I, “you must know, Strap, I was in company with her till one
o’clock this morning.” I had no sooner pronounced these words than he
began to caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying in a
transport, “The day’s our own—the day’s our own!” I gave him to
understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that I had more
difficulties to surmount than he was aware of; then I recounted to him
the intelligence I had received from Banter. At which he changed
colour, shook his head, and observed there was no faith in woman. I
told him I was resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I
foresaw it would lead me into a great expense; and bade him guess the
sum I had lost last night at cards. He scratched his chin, and
protested his abhorrence of cards, the very name of which being
mentioned, made him sweat with vexation, as it recalled the
money-dropper to his remembrance. “But, however,” said he, “you have to
do with other guess people now. Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run
last night, you would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve
shilling.” I was mortified at this piece of simplicity, which I
imagined, at that time, was all affected by way of reprimand for my
folly; and asked with some heat if he thought I had spent the evening
in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving him to know, at the same
time, that my expense had amounted to eighteen guineas.
It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and
concern of Strap on hearing this piece of news; the basin, in which he
was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he
remained some time immovable in that ludicrous attitude, with his mouth
open, and his eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their station;
but, remembering my disposition, which was touchy, and impatient of
control, he smothered his chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself.
With this view he endeavoured to laugh, but in spite if his teeth,
broke out in a whimper, took up his wash-ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed
my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my face. I took no
notice of this confusion, but after he had fully recovered himself, put
him in mind of his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender
my effects whenever he should think proper to demand them. He was
nettled at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust
of his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain
again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.
This good creature’s unalterable friendship for me affected me with the
most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of
acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my
generosity in my turn. For this purpose, I determined to bring matters
to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a few such
nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me from prosecuting
that or any other advantageous amour.
While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr.
Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how I had
passed the preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably
entertained at a private house. “Yes,” said he, with a sarcastic smile,
“you deserve something extraordinary for the price you paid.” I was
surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his meaning.
“Come, come, Mr. Random,” continued he, “you need not make a mystery of
it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that foolish affair between you
and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. It has set all the
busybodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and
you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your
expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; another thinks
you are an agent from the Pretender; a third believes you to be an
upstart gamester, because nobody knows anything of your family or
fortune; a fourth is of opinion that you are an Irish fortune-hunter.”
This last hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to conceal my
confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for
an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to
live without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but
went on. “For my own part, I neither know nor desire to know who or
what you are. This I am certain of, that few people make a mystery of
their origin or situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in
either; and my own opinion of the matter is that you have raised
yourself, by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now
maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial
scheme.” Here he fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my
face covered with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his
opinion. “Look ye, Random,” said he, “I have divined your plan, and am
confident it will never succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of
the town to practise the necessary cheats of your profession, and
detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you. Besides, you
are downright bashful. What the devil! set up for a fortune hunter
before you have conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you are entitled
by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a better wife
than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that
rate;—or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you
may say, as Teague said, By my soul, I have gained a loss! She would
take care to spend her fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick
of her extravagance.”
I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and
expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions,
and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to
the dictates of my own reason. He made no apology for the liberty he
had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me; as
an uncommon instance of which he borrowed five guineas, assuring me
there were very few people in the world whom he would so far favour
with his confidence. I gave him the money, and professed myself so well
convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such
extraordinary proofs for the future. “I thought,” said he, “to have
asked five pieces more, but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last
night, I presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my
demand accordingly.” I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour
of this spark, of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was
bubbled. He then gave me to understand, that before he came to my
lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, being present, informed him
of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda,
with which he proposed to entertain the town, and among other
circumstances, assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that
nobody but a mere novice could be imposed upon.
The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing
my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my
indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either asperse
the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He
replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task to
chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and, as for the
character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what was
laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from being reckoned
a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable
indication of superior genius and address. “But let us waive this
subject,” said he, “and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a
party for dinner.”
CHAPTER XLVIII
We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute
between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the
Doctor gives an account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter
at the ordinary—the old gentleman’s advice to me
Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I
accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail
disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed should be
spelt with a G, observing that it was derived from the Latin verb
gustare, “to taste;” but Medlar pleaded custom in behalf of C,
observing, that, by the Doctor’s rule, we ought to change pudding into
budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and in that
case why not retain the original orthography and pronunciation of all
the foreign words we have adopted, by which means our language would
become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The
controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real
opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour of Wagtail; upon which
the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable pish! with
great emphasis, removed to another table.
We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the
experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been at
all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would
undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of the
quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as much as
would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove the
specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; that he had
already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing which to
tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had obliged him to change
his lodgings; for he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set
fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would
sustain no damage, because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by
some very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began to
blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had
not the presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole
house must have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the
smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the