The Adventures of Roderick Random
neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour: that he had lost a
pair of black velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides the
expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to
quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled
to repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on
his quitting his apartment at a minute’s warning, and he was put to
incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable
house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder;
so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.
After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the
papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained
ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and,
after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that
he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, indeed, we were no
sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose, by telling the
old gentleman that he looked extremely well, considering the little
sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no
reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and Banter
went on thus; “I don’t know whether most to admire the charity of your
mind, or the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do
generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your
compassion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are
capable of making. You must know, gentlemen,” said he, turning to the
company, “I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill
of a fever, and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a
gin shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and
jollity: upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar
dancing bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who
rejoiced at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not
sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old
apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which must
certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions.” The
testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily, “’Tis
well known that your tongue is no slanderer.” “I think,” said the
other, “you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible,
that my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You may
remember, that, when you made your addresses to the fat widow who kept
a public-house at Islington, there was a report spread very much to the
prejudice of your manhood, which coming to the ears of your mistress,
you were discarded immediately: and I brought matters to a
reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the
country. How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my
business nor inclination to relate.”
This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter’s own
invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and
provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a
mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered
those who sat next to him, while he discharged his indignation in a
volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent
jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations; telling the company he had
invented these false and malicious aspersions, because he would not
lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores. “A very likely
story,” said Banter, “that I should attempt to borrow money of a man
who is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his weekly
allowance hold out till Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps
four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three
meals, besides coffee-house expense. Sometimes he is fain to put up
with bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he
regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek in a cellar.” “You are a lying
miscreant!” cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; “I can always command
money enough to pay your tailor’s bill, which I am sure is no trifle;
and I have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my
circumstances, by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.” By this time
the violence of his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat
silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his
mortification, and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in
plentifully for his next day’s fast.
Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and Banter
went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see
Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no
sooner gone than the old gentleman took me aside, and said, he was
sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of the most
graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good estate and
constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin of many a young
man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a lewd
example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I were on my
guard, he would strip me in a short time both of my money and
reputation. I thanked him for his information, and promised to conduct
myself accordingly, wishing, however, his caution had been a few hours
more early, by which means I might have saved five guineas.
Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to impute some part
of the charge to Medlar’s revenge for the liberties taken with him at
dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to
Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question, resolved to
compare their accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form
my judgment upon both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor
assured me, that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune;
a scholar, a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the
town; that his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some
extravagances he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire had
procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance.
From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young
fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his
appetites, and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it
to his wish.
I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my
friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them
home to my lodgings, where we supped in great good humour.
CHAPTER XLIX
I receive a Challenge—the Consequence of it—the Quarrel being made up,
am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of Strap—but immediately
released upon explaining my Affair—the Behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his
two Friends—I visit Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the
Duel—propose Marriage—she refers the Matter to her Mother, of whom I
make a solemn Demand of her Daughter—the old Lady’s behaviour—I am
discarded—-resent their Disdain
When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, To
Mr. Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained a
challenge conceived in these very extraordinary terms:
“Sir,—Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda
Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under promise of
marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting at the back of
Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in my hand; and if you will
keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess (after the
breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her so well as
Yours, etc.
Rourk Oregan.”
I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that my
rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the contents;
especially that part, in which he asserted his right to my mistress by
promise, a circumstance I did not not know how to reconcile to her good
sense and penetration. However, this was no time for me to decline the
defiance, because the success of my addresses in a great measure
depended upon my behaviour in that affair. I therefore immediately
loaded my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney coach to the place
appointed, where I found a tall raw-boned man, with a hard-featured
countenance and black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a
shabby green coat, over which his own hair descended in leathern queue
from his head, that was covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a
tarnished pointe d’Espagne. He had no sooner perceived me advancing
than he pulled a pistol from his bosom, and, presenting it at me,
snapped it without the least preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation,
I made a stand, and, before he could adjust his other piece, fired one
of mine at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was ready
with his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which
he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, “Fire away, honey!” and began
to hammer his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved to make
use of the advantage fortune had given me, and therefore stepped up
without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or prepare
for another world; but this stout Hibernian refused to condescend, and
complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground before he could
return my shot: saying I ought to go back to my station, and let him
have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured to persuade him that I had
given him a double chance already: and it was my business to prevent
him from enjoying a third; but now, since I had an opportunity, I
demanded a parley, and desired to know his condition and reason for
calling me to the field, who, to the best of my remembrance, far from
having done him any injury, had never before seen him. He told me that
he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and, hearing
that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself
master of that sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an
honourable way, to cut the throats of all those who stood between him
and his hopes.
I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had
seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance of the
promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. He gave me to
understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and personal merit;
that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting forth his claim and
pretensions, but she was never kind enough to send an answer, or even
to admit him into her presence; and that the promise he mentioned in
his letter was made by his friend Mr. Gahagan, who assured him that no
woman could resist a man of his appearance. I could not forbear
laughing to excess at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to
relish my mirth, but began to be very serious: upon which I endeavoured
to appease him, by giving him my word and honour that, far from
prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I would represent him to her in
the most favourable light I could with any regard to truth; but he must
not be surprised if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing
was more capricious than a woman’s mind, and the affection of that sex
was seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have
the better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing
sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his
hand, at sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me in
his arms, cried, “Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend I have
met with these seven long years!” When I had suffered some minutes in
his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the