The Adventures of Roderick Random
Petronius Arbiter—falls in Love with my Watch, which I press upon him—I
make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle—impart my good
Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter
Mortification
Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my
talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts
towards some employment under the government. With the view of
procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and
Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found these
young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I accompanied
them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them at taverns,
where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.
I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations
of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sinecure,
and to solicit their influence in my behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my
hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G—. The other swore that
no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by
these declarations, I ventured to express an inclination to be
introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once.
Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to his father these three
years; and Straddle assured me, his father, having lately disobliged
the minister by subscribing his name to a protest in the house of
peers, was thereby rendered incapable of serving his friends at
present; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell,
who was hand and glove with a certain person who ruled the roast. This
offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied him so closely,
in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under a
necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of
this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependents, and
was ushered to a particular closet audience; from whence, in a few
minutes, he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand,
assured me he would do me all the service he could, and desired to see
me often. I was charmed with my reception, and, although I had heard
that a courtier’s promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I
discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this earl’s
countenance, that I did not doubt of finding my account in his
protection. I resolved therefore to profit by this permission, and
waited on him next audience day, when I was favoured with a particular
smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted
half-an-hour’s conversation with me in private, when he should be
disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of
chocolate with him to-morrow morning.
This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and
expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship’s house
at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted
and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like soldiers in the
broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was stirring? He
answered with a surly aspect, “No.” “At what hour does he commonly
rise?” said I. “Sometimes sooner, sometimes later,” said he, closing
the door upon me by degrees. I then told him I was come by his
lordship’s own appointment, to which intimation this Cerberus replied,
“I have received no orders about the matter,” and was upon the point of
shutting me out, when I recollected myself all of a sudden, and
slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would
inquire, and let me know whether or not the earl was up. The grim
janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the
indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he
said, I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake.
I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and,
without speaking, started at me; I interpreted this piece of his
behaviour into, “Pray, sir, what is your business?” and asked the same
question I had put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The
lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any
further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on pretence of
poking the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon
which I began to perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with
half-a-crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method
of letting the earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow,
said, “Yes, sir,” and vanished. This bounty was not thrown away, for in
an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was
received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I
found just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast,
he entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the
remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my
understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently
squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular complacency in his
countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices with the ministry in
my behalf. “Young men of your qualifications,” said he, “ought to be
cherished by every administration. For my own part, I see so little
merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage
the least appearance of genius and virtue to the utmost of my power:
you have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one
day, if I am not mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting
by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a
day. As you understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like
to cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?” I assured his lordship,
with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my
inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business was
done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece of
generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to
express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of
my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could not even
help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner
perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and hugged and kissed me
with a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded at this uncommon
instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a few moments silent
and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after he had assured me that
he would speak to the minister in my favour that very day; and desired
that I would not for the future give myself the trouble of attending at
his levee, but come at the same hour every day, when he should be at
leisure, that is, three times a week.
Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my
prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more
certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite from
my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the street-door
opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage towards the
presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who cast some furious
looks at me the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The earl
saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his
success with the Premier, who, he said, had preferred his
recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of
their respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a
certain foreign court in quality of secretary to an ambassador and
plenipotentiary who was to set out in a few weeks an affair of vast
importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck with my good fortune, and
could make no other reply than kneel and attempt to kiss my
benefactor’s hand, which submission he would not permit; but, raising
me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he
had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune. What enhanced
the value of the benefit still the more, was his making light of the
favour, and shifting the conversation to another subject.
Among other topics of discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was
introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and
erudition and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of
antiquity, “Here’s a book,” said he, taking one from his bosom,
“written with great elegance and spirit; and, though the subject may
give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always be
held in esteem by every person of wit and learning.” So saying, he put
into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and
manner. I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and
vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent that he ought to find no
quarter or protection among people of morals and taste. “I own,”
replied the earl, “that his taste in love is generally decried, and
indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to
prejudice and misapprehension than to true reason and deliberation. The
best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion;
one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of
it in his commonwealth; the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to
avow it. At this day it prevails not only over all the East, but in
most parts of Europe; in our own country, it gains ground apace, and in
all probability will become in a short time a more, fashionable vice
than simple fornication. Indeed there is something to be said in
vindication of it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against
offenders in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this
passion is unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which
proceeds from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either
murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and
wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: and it likewise
prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of
honest men’s wives; not to mention the consideration of health, which
is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of this
appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by ruining the
constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny that
degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I have been told, that
there is another motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that
induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite
pleasure attending its success.”
From this discourse I began to be apprehensive that his lordship,
finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with
this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method of
sounding my sentiments on the subject. Fired at this supposed
suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite
unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter
detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satirist:—
Eternal infamy the wretch confound
Who planted first that vice on British ground!
A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns,
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains.
The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find my
opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had
advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed
himself perfectly well pleased. After I had enjoyed a long audience, I
happened to look at my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it;
and his lordship, observing the chased case, desired to see the device,
and examine the exception, which he approved with some expressions of
admiration. Considering the obligations I lay under to his lordship, I