The Adventures of Roderick Random
obtained a nolli prosequi. In spite of these enlivening touches, the
conversation was like to suffer another long interruption, when the
lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could
be displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company
with a song; and, interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing,
began to warble a fashionable air the first stanza of which he
pronounced thus:
“Would you task the moon-tide hair,
To yon flagrant beau repair.
Where waving with the poplin vow,
The bantling fine will shelter you,” etc.
The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on with such surprising
facility that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to
burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause,
namely ignorance; and, when he asked her how she relished his music,
answered that, in her opinion, the music and the words were much of a
piece. “Oh, d—n my blood!” said he “I take that as a high compliment;
for everybody allows the words are d—able fine.” “They may be so,”
replied the lady, “for aught I know, but they are above my
comprehension.” “I an’t obliged to find you comprehension, madam, curse
me!” cried he. “No, nor to speak sense neither,” said she. “D—n my
heart,” said he, “I’ll speak what I please.” Here the lawyer
interposed, by telling him, there were some things he must not speak;
and upon being defied to give an instance, mentioned treason and
defamation. “As for the king,” cried the soldier, “God bless him—I eat
his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have nothing
to say to him—but, by G—d, I dare say anything to any other man.” “No,”
said the lawyer, “you dare not call me rogue.” “D—me, for what?” said
the other. “Because,” replied the counsellor, “I should have it good
action against you, and recover.” “Well, well,” cried the officer, “if
I dare not call you rogue, I dare think you one, d—me!” This stroke of
wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which
unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his
antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour, except
to clear his pipe with three hems, which however, produced nothing.
CHAPTER LIV
Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of viewing the Person of Miss
Snapper, whom I had not seen before—the Soldier is witty upon me—is
offended—talks much of his Valour—is reprimanded by a grave
Gentlewoman—we are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen—I get out of the
Coach, and stand in my own defence—they ride off without having
attacked us—I pursue them—one of them is thrown from his Horse and
taken—I return to the Coach—am complimented by Miss Snapper—the
Captain’s Behaviour on this Occasion—the Prude reproaches me in a
Soliloquy—I upbraid her in the same Manner—the Behaviour of Miss
Snapper, at Breakfast, disobliges me—the Lawyer is witty upon the
Officer, who threatens him
In the meantime, the day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another
the faces of their fellow travellers: and I had the good fortune to
find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been
represented to me. Her head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a
hatchet, the edge being represented by her face; but she had a certain
delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of vivacity in her eyes,
which were very large and black; and, though the protuberance of her
breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards, it was easy
to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and
kept her body in equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should have
great reason to congratulate myself if it should be my fate to possess
twenty thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife. I began therefore
to deliberate about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest,
and was so much engrossed by this idea, that I scarce took any notice
of the rest of the people in the coach, but revolved my project in
silence; while the conversation was maintained as before by the object
of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time
recollected himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a
dispute happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who
was so much absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the
reference nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn.
Affronted at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation
swore I was either dumb or deaf if not both, and that I looked as if I
could not say Bo to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I fixed my
eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection Bo! Upon
which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, “D—me sir, what
d’ye mean by that.” Had I intended to answer him, which by the by was
not my design, I should have been anticipated by Miss, who told him, my
meaning was to show, that I could cry Bo to a goose; and laughed very
heartily at my laconic reproof. Her explanation and mirth did not help
to appease his wrath, which broke out in several martial insinuations,
such as—“I do not understand such freedoms, d—me! D—n my blood! I’m a
gentleman, and bear the king’s commission. ’Sblood! some people deserve
to have their noses pulled for their impertinence.” I thought to have
checked these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of
his valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a lion’s skin;
but this expedient did not answer my expectation, he took umbrage at
the contraction of my brow, swore he did not value my sulky looks a
fig’s end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said,
she was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so much
courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect her from all the
attempts of highwaymen during our journey. “Make yourself perfectly
easy on that head, madam,” replied the officer. “I have got a pair of
pistols (here they are), which I took from a horse officer at the
battle of Dettingen; they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in
England robs you of the value of a pin while I have the honour of being
in your company, d—n my heart.” When he had expressed himself in this
manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her
mouth, and said, she wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull
out such weapons before ladies. “D—me, madam,” cried the champion, “if
you are so much afraid at the sight of a pistol, how d’ye propose to
stand fire if there should be occasion?” She then told him that, if she
thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence,
whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach
immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure a
convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my Dulcinea
interposed, and observed that, far from being offended at a gentleman’s
using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself very lucky in
being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving
herself from being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss,
and said that people, who have but little to lose, are sometimes the
most solicitous about preserving it. The old lady was affronted at this
inuendo, and took notice, that people ought to be very well informed
before they speak slightingly of other people’s fortune, lest they
discover their own envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter
declared, that she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of
riches; and if the lady, who insisted upon non-resistance, would
promise to indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would
be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we
should be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the
reserved lady made no other reply than a scornful glance and a toss of
her head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my young mistress,
and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under
her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing her in my
favour, when all of a sudden Strap rode up to the coach door, and told
us in a great fright, that two men on horseback were crossing the heath
(for by this time we had passed Hounslow), and made directly towards
us.
This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper
began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the old lady pulled out her
purse to be in readiness, the lawyer’s teeth chattered, while he
pronounced, “’Tis no matter—we’ll sue the county and recover.” The
captain gave evident signs of confusion: and I, after having commanded
the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the
warrior to follow me. But, finding him backward and astonished, I took
his pistols, and, giving them to Strap, who had by this time alighted
and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback; and, taking my own
(which I could better depend upon) from the holsters, cocked them both,
and faced the robbers, who were now very near us. Seeing me ready to
oppose them on horseback, and another man armed a-foot, they made a
halt at some distance to reconnoitre us: and after having rode round us
twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off the same way
they came, at a hand gallop. A gentleman’s servant coming up with a
horse at the same time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing
them, which he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer’s
pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the
swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them and
then, firing at us, put their nags to the full speed. We followed them
as fast as our beasts could carry us; but, not being so well mounted as
they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the horse
of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such violence over
his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and was taken without
the least opposition; while his comrade consulted his own safety in
flight, without regarding the distress of his friend. We scarce had
time to make ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his hands together,
before he recovered his senses, when, learning his situation he
affected surprise, demanded to know by what authority we used a
gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to threaten us with a
prosecution for robbery. In the meantime, we perceived Strap coming up
with a crowd of people, armed up with different kinds of weapons; and
among the rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had
secured, than he cried with great emotion, “There’s the fellow who
robbed me an hour ago of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.” He was
immediately searched, and the money found exactly as it had been
described; upon which we committed him to the charge of the countryman,
who carried him to the town of Hounslow, which, it seems, the farmer
had alarmed; and I, having satisfied the footman for his trouble,
according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found
the captain and lawyer busy in administering smelling bottles and
cordials to the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of
firing.
When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen
everything that happened; made me a compliment on my behaviour, and
said she was glad to see me returned without having received any
injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution: the
lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act of parliament to a reward of
forty pounds, for having apprehended a highwayman. The soldier
observed, with a countenance in which impudence and shame struggling,
produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such a d—d hurry to
get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues effectually,