The Book of the Courtier
him and more too, but pretends to take it in a different sense. As when
Captain Peralta was brought out to fight a duel with Aldana, and Captain
Molart[294] (who was Aldana’s second) asked Peralta on his oath if he
wore any amulets or charms to keep him from being wounded; Peralta swore
that he wore no amulets or charms or relics or objects of devotion in
which he had faith. Whereupon, to taunt him with being a heretic, Molart
said: ‘Do not trouble yourself about it, for without your oath I believe
you have no faith in Christ himself.’[295]
“Moreover it is a fine thing to use metaphors seasonably in such cases.
As when our friend master Marcantonio said to Bottone da Cesena,[296]
who was goading him with words: ‘Bottone, Bottone, you will one day be
the button (_bottone_), and your button-hole will be the halter.’
Another time, master Marcantonio having composed a very long comedy in
several acts, this same Bottone said to master Marcantonio: ‘To play
your comedy, all the timber there is in Slavonia will be needed for the
setting.’ Master Marcantonio replied: ‘While for the setting of your
tragedy, three sticks will be quite enough.’[297]
81.—“We often use a word in which there is a hidden meaning remote from
the one we seem to intend. As was done by my lord Prefect here, on
hearing mention of a certain captain who in his time had for the most
part been defeated but just then had chanced to win. And the speaker
telling that when the captain made his entry into the place in question,
he had on a very beautiful crimson velvet doublet, which he always wore
after his victories, my lord Prefect said: ‘It must be new.’
“Nor is there less laughter when we reply to something that our
interlocutor has not said, or pretend to believe he has done something
that he has not but ought to have done. As when Andrea Coscia,[298]
having gone to visit a gentleman who rudely kept his seat and left his
guest to stand, said: ‘Since your Lordship commands me, I will sit down
to obey you;’ and so sat down.[299]
Reduced from the central part of Braun’s photograph (no. 42.040) of the
triple portrait, in the Pitti Gallery at Florence, painted between
1517 and 1519 by Raphael (1483-1520) with the assistance of his
pupil Giulio Pippi, better known as Giulio Romano, (1492-1546).
82.—“We laugh also when a man accuses himself of some fault humourously.
As when I told my lord Duke’s chaplain the other day that my lord
Cardinal[300] had a chaplain who said mass faster than he, he answered
me: ‘It is not possible;’ and coming close to my ear, he said: ‘You must
know, I do not recite a third of the silent prayers.’
“Again, a priest at Milan having died, Biagino Crivello[301] begged his
benefice of the Duke,[302] who however was minded to give it to someone
else. At last Biagino saw that further argument was of no avail, and
said: ‘What! After I have had the priest killed, why will you not give
me his benefice?’
“It is often amusing also to express desire for those things that cannot
be. As the other day, when one of our friends saw all these gentlemen
playing at fence while he was lying on his bed, and said: ‘Ah, how glad
I should be if this too were a fitting exercise for a strong man and a
good soldier!’
“Moreover it is an amusing and spicy style of talk, and especially for
grave and dignified persons, to reply the opposite of what the person
spoken to desires, but slowly and with a little air of doubtful and
hesitating deliberation. As was once the case with King Alfonso I of
Aragon,[269] who gave a servant weapons, horses and clothes, because the
fellow said he had the night before dreamed that his Highness had given
him all these things; and again not long afterwards the same servant
said he had that night dreamed that the king gave him a goodly sum of
gold florins, whereupon the king replied: ‘Put no trust in dreams
henceforth, because they are not true.’ Of like sort also was the pope’s
reply to the Bishop of Cervia,[303] who said to him in order to sound
his purpose: ‘Holy Father, it is said all over Rome, and the palace too,
that your Holiness is making me governor.’ Then the pope replied: ‘Let
them talk,—they are only knaves. Have no fear there is any truth in it.’
83.—“Perhaps, my Lords, I might collect still many other occasions that
give opportunity for humourous sallies: such as things said with
shyness, with admiration, with threats, out of season, with excessive
anger; besides these, certain other conditions that provoke laughter
when they occur: sometimes a kind of wondering taciturnity, sometimes
mere laughter itself when untimely. But methinks I have now said enough,
for I believe that pleasantry which takes the form of words does not
exceed the limits we have discussed.
“Then, as to that which is shown in action, although it has numberless
forms, it still is comprised under a few heads. But in both kinds the
main thing is to cheat expectation and reply otherwise than the hearer
looks for; and if the pleasantry is to find favour, it must needs be
seasoned with deceit or dissimulation or ridicule or censure or simile,
or whatever other style a man chooses to employ. And while pleasantries
provoke laughter, yet with this laughter they produce divers other
effects: for some contain a certain elegance and modest pleasantness,
others a hidden or an open sting, others have a taint of grossness,
others move to laughter as soon as they are heard, others the more they
are thought of, others make us blush as well as laugh, others rouse a
little anger. But in all methods we must consider our hearers’ state of
mind, for to the afflicted jocosity often brings greater affliction, and
there are certain maladies that are aggravated the more medicine is
employed.
“Hence if the Courtier pays heed to time, persons and his own rank, in
his banter and amusing talk, and uses them not too often (for in truth
it begets tedium to be harping on this all day, in all kinds of
converse, in season and out), he may be called a man of humour; taking
care also not to be so sharp and biting as to be thought spiteful,
assailing causelessly or with evident rancour: either those who are too
powerful, which is imprudent; or those who are too weak, which is cruel;
or those who are too wicked, which is useless; or saying things to
offend those he would not offend, which is ignorance. Yet there are some
who feel bound to speak and assail recklessly whenever they can, let the
consequence be what it may. And among these last, some there are who do
not scruple to tarnish the honour of a noble lady, for the sake of
saying something humourous; which is a very evil thing and worthy the
heaviest punishment, for in this regard ladies are to be numbered among
the weak, and so ought not to be assailed, since they have no weapons to
defend them.
“Besides these things, he who would be agreeable and amusing must have a
certain natural aptitude for all kinds of fun, and must adapt his
behaviour, gestures and face accordingly; and the graver and more
serious and impassive his face is, the more spicy and keen will he make
his sallies seem.
84.—“But you, messer Federico, who thought to take your ease under this
leafless tree and in my arid talk, I am sure you have repented of it and
think you have found your way to the Montefiore Inn.[304] Therefore it
will be well for you, like a practised postman, to rise somewhat earlier
than usual and take up your journey, in order to escape from a bad inn.”
“Nay,” replied messer Federico, “I have come to so good an inn that I
mean to tarry in it longer than I first intended. So I shall go on
taking my ease until you have finished the whole discourse appointed, of
which you have left out one part that you mentioned in the
beginning—that is, practical jokes; and it is not right for you to cheat
the company of this. But as you have taught us many fine things about
pleasantries, and have made us bold to use them by the example of so
many singular geniuses, great men, princes, kings, and popes,—so too in
practical jokes I think you will give us such daring that we shall
venture to try some even upon you.”
Then messer Bernardo said, laughing:
“You will not be the first; but perhaps you may not succeed, for I have
already endured so many of them that I am on my guard against
everything, like dogs who are afraid of cold water after once being
scalded with hot. However, since you will have me speak of this also, I
think I can despatch it in a few words.
85.—“It seems to me that practical joking is naught else but friendly
deceit in things that do not offend or that offend only a little. And
just as in pleasantry it arouses laughter to say something contrary to
expectation, so in practical joking it arouses laughter to do something
contrary to expectation. And the cleverer and more discreet these jokes
are, the more they please and are applauded; for he often gives offence
who tries to play a practical joke recklessly, and afterwards quarrels
and serious enmities arise in consequence.
“But the occasions that give opportunity for practical jokes are nearly
the same as in the case of pleasantries. So not to repeat them, I will
merely say that practical jokes are of two kinds, each of which kinds
might be further divided into classes. One kind is where anyone is
cleverly tricked in a fine and amusing manner; the other is where a net
is cast, as it were, and a little bait is offered, so that the victim
himself hastens to be tricked.
“Of the first kind was the joke that two great ladies, whom I do not
wish to name, lately had played upon them by means of a Spaniard called
Castillo.”[305]
Then my lady Duchess said:
“And why do you not wish to name them?”
Messer Bernardo replied:
“I would not have them take offence.”
My lady Duchess answered, laughing:
“It is not amiss to play jokes now and then even upon great lords.
Indeed I have heard of many being played upon Duke Federico, upon King
Alfonso of Aragon, upon Queen Isabella of Spain, and upon many other
great princes; and they not only did not take offence, but rewarded the
perpetrators liberally.”
Messer Bernardo replied:
“Not even for the hope of reward will I name those ladies.”
“As you please,” answered my lady Duchess.
Then messer Bernardo went on to say:
“It is not long since there arrived at the court (of I know whom) a
Bergamasque rustic on business for a courtier gentleman; and this rustic
was so well attired and elegantly appointed that, although he had been
only used to tend cattle and knew no other trade, anyone who did not
hear him speak would have taken him for a gallant cavalier. Now, being
told that a Spanish follower of Cardinal Borgia[306] had arrived, and
that he was called Castillo and was exceedingly clever, a musician, a
dancer, a _ballatore_,[307] and the most accomplished Courtier in all
Spain,—these two ladies were filled with extreme desire to speak with
him, and straightway sent for him. And after receiving him with
ceremony, they made him sit down and began to speak to him with the
greatest distinction before all the company; and there were few of those
present who did not know that the fellow was a Bergamasque cow-herd. So
when these ladies were seen entertaining him with so much respect and
honouring him so signally, the laughter was very hearty, the more so as
the good man spoke his native Bergamasque dialect all the while.[308]
But the gentlemen who played the trick had told these ladies in the
beginning that he was among other things a great joker, and spoke all
languages admirably and especially rustic Lombard. Thus they continually