The Brothers Karamazov
and his heart may be on fire with that ideal, genuinely on fire, just
as in his days of youth and innocence. Yes, man is broad, too broad,
indeed. I’d have him narrower. The devil only knows what to make of it!
What to the mind is shameful is beauty and nothing else to the heart.
Is there beauty in Sodom? Believe me, that for the immense mass of
mankind beauty is found in Sodom. Did you know that secret? The awful
thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the
devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man. But a
man always talks of his own ache. Listen, now to come to facts.”
Chapter IV.
The Confession Of A Passionate Heart—In Anecdote
“I was leading a wild life then. Father said just now that I spent
several thousand roubles in seducing young girls. That’s a swinish
invention, and there was nothing of the sort. And if there was, I
didn’t need money simply for _that_. With me money is an accessory, the
overflow of my heart, the framework. To-day she would be my lady,
to-morrow a wench out of the streets in her place. I entertained them
both. I threw away money by the handful on music, rioting, and gypsies.
Sometimes I gave it to the ladies, too, for they’ll take it greedily,
that must be admitted, and be pleased and thankful for it. Ladies used
to be fond of me: not all of them, but it happened, it happened. But I
always liked side-paths, little dark back-alleys behind the main
road—there one finds adventures and surprises, and precious metal in
the dirt. I am speaking figuratively, brother. In the town I was in,
there were no such back-alleys in the literal sense, but morally there
were. If you were like me, you’d know what that means. I loved vice, I
loved the ignominy of vice. I loved cruelty; am I not a bug, am I not a
noxious insect? In fact a Karamazov! Once we went, a whole lot of us,
for a picnic, in seven sledges. It was dark, it was winter, and I began
squeezing a girl’s hand, and forced her to kiss me. She was the
daughter of an official, a sweet, gentle, submissive creature. She
allowed me, she allowed me much in the dark. She thought, poor thing,
that I should come next day to make her an offer (I was looked upon as
a good match, too). But I didn’t say a word to her for five months. I
used to see her in a corner at dances (we were always having dances),
her eyes watching me. I saw how they glowed with fire—a fire of gentle
indignation. This game only tickled that insect lust I cherished in my
soul. Five months later she married an official and left the town,
still angry, and still, perhaps, in love with me. Now they live
happily. Observe that I told no one. I didn’t boast of it. Though I’m
full of low desires, and love what’s low, I’m not dishonorable. You’re
blushing; your eyes flashed. Enough of this filth with you. And all
this was nothing much—wayside blossoms _à la_ Paul de Kock—though the
cruel insect had already grown strong in my soul. I’ve a perfect album
of reminiscences, brother. God bless them, the darlings. I tried to
break it off without quarreling. And I never gave them away. I never
bragged of one of them. But that’s enough. You can’t suppose I brought
you here simply to talk of such nonsense. No, I’m going to tell you
something more curious; and don’t be surprised that I’m glad to tell
you, instead of being ashamed.”
“You say that because I blushed,” Alyosha said suddenly. “I wasn’t
blushing at what you were saying or at what you’ve done. I blushed
because I am the same as you are.”
“You? Come, that’s going a little too far!”
“No, it’s not too far,” said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not
a new one). “The ladder’s the same. I’m at the bottom step, and you’re
above, somewhere about the thirteenth. That’s how I see it. But it’s
all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Any one on the bottom step
is bound to go up to the top one.”
“Then one ought not to step on at all.”
“Any one who can help it had better not.”
“But can you?”
“I think not.”
“Hush, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so.
That rogue Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that she’d
devour you one day. There, there, I won’t! From this field of
corruption fouled by flies, let’s pass to my tragedy, also befouled by
flies, that is by every sort of vileness. Although the old man told
lies about my seducing innocence, there really was something of the
sort in my tragedy, though it was only once, and then it did not come
off. The old man who has reproached me with what never happened does
not even know of this fact; I never told any one about it. You’re the
first, except Ivan, of course—Ivan knows everything. He knew about it
long before you. But Ivan’s a tomb.”
“Ivan’s a tomb?”
“Yes.”
Alyosha listened with great attention.
“I was lieutenant in a line regiment, but still I was under
supervision, like a kind of convict. Yet I was awfully well received in
the little town. I spent money right and left. I was thought to be
rich; I thought so myself. But I must have pleased them in other ways
as well. Although they shook their heads over me, they liked me. My
colonel, who was an old man, took a sudden dislike to me. He was always
down upon me, but I had powerful friends, and, moreover, all the town
was on my side, so he couldn’t do me much harm. I was in fault myself
for refusing to treat him with proper respect. I was proud. This
obstinate old fellow, who was really a very good sort, kind-hearted and
hospitable, had had two wives, both dead. His first wife, who was of a
humble family, left a daughter as unpretentious as herself. She was a
young woman of four and twenty when I was there, and was living with
her father and an aunt, her mother’s sister. The aunt was simple and
illiterate; the niece was simple but lively. I like to say nice things
about people. I never knew a woman of more charming character than
Agafya—fancy, her name was Agafya Ivanovna! And she wasn’t bad-looking
either, in the Russian style: tall, stout, with a full figure, and
beautiful eyes, though a rather coarse face. She had not married,
although she had had two suitors. She refused them, but was as cheerful
as ever. I was intimate with her, not in ‘that’ way, it was pure
friendship. I have often been friendly with women quite innocently. I
used to talk to her with shocking frankness, and she only laughed. Many
women like such freedom, and she was a girl too, which made it very
amusing. Another thing, one could never think of her as a young lady.
She and her aunt lived in her father’s house with a sort of voluntary
humility, not putting themselves on an equality with other people. She
was a general favorite, and of use to every one, for she was a clever
dressmaker. She had a talent for it. She gave her services freely
without asking for payment, but if any one offered her payment, she
didn’t refuse. The colonel, of course, was a very different matter. He
was one of the chief personages in the district. He kept open house,
entertained the whole town, gave suppers and dances. At the time I
arrived and joined the battalion, all the town was talking of the
expected return of the colonel’s second daughter, a great beauty, who
had just left a fashionable school in the capital. This second daughter
is Katerina Ivanovna, and she was the child of the second wife, who
belonged to a distinguished general’s family; although, as I learnt on
good authority, she too brought the colonel no money. She had
connections, and that was all. There may have been expectations, but
they had come to nothing.
“Yet, when the young lady came from boarding-school on a visit, the
whole town revived. Our most distinguished ladies—two ‘Excellencies’
and a colonel’s wife—and all the rest following their lead, at once
took her up and gave entertainments in her honor. She was the belle of
the balls and picnics, and they got up _tableaux vivants_ in aid of
distressed governesses. I took no notice, I went on as wildly as
before, and one of my exploits at the time set all the town talking. I
saw her eyes taking my measure one evening at the battery commander’s,
but I didn’t go up to her, as though I disdained her acquaintance. I
did go up and speak to her at an evening party not long after. She
scarcely looked at me, and compressed her lips scornfully. ‘Wait a bit.
I’ll have my revenge,’ thought I. I behaved like an awful fool on many
occasions at that time, and I was conscious of it myself. What made it
worse was that I felt that ‘Katenka’ was not an innocent
boarding-school miss, but a person of character, proud and really
high-principled; above all, she had education and intellect, and I had
neither. You think I meant to make her an offer? No, I simply wanted to
revenge myself, because I was such a hero and she didn’t seem to feel
it.
“Meanwhile, I spent my time in drink and riot, till the
lieutenant-colonel put me under arrest for three days. Just at that
time father sent me six thousand roubles in return for my sending him a
deed giving up all claims upon him—settling our accounts, so to speak,
and saying that I wouldn’t expect anything more. I didn’t understand a
word of it at the time. Until I came here, Alyosha, till the last few
days, indeed, perhaps even now, I haven’t been able to make head or
tail of my money affairs with father. But never mind that, we’ll talk
of it later.
“Just as I received the money, I got a letter from a friend telling me
something that interested me immensely. The authorities, I learnt, were
dissatisfied with our lieutenant-colonel. He was suspected of
irregularities; in fact, his enemies were preparing a surprise for him.
And then the commander of the division arrived, and kicked up the devil
of a shindy. Shortly afterwards he was ordered to retire. I won’t tell
you how it all happened. He had enemies certainly. Suddenly there was a
marked coolness in the town towards him and all his family. His friends
all turned their backs on him. Then I took my first step. I met Agafya
Ivanovna, with whom I’d always kept up a friendship, and said, ‘Do you
know there’s a deficit of 4,500 roubles of government money in your
father’s accounts?’
“‘What do you mean? What makes you say so? The general was here not
long ago, and everything was all right.’
“‘Then it was, but now it isn’t.’
“She was terribly scared.
“‘Don’t frighten me!’ she said. ‘Who told you so?’
“‘Don’t be uneasy,’ I said, ‘I won’t tell any one. You know I’m as
silent as the tomb. I only wanted, in view of “possibilities,” to add,
that when they demand that 4,500 roubles from your father, and he can’t
produce it, he’ll be tried, and made to serve as a common soldier in
his old age, unless you like to send me your young lady secretly. I’ve
just had money paid me. I’ll give her four thousand, if you like, and
keep the secret religiously.’
“‘Ah, you scoundrel!’—that’s what she said. ‘You wicked scoundrel! How
dare you!’
“She went away furiously indignant, while I shouted after her once more
that the secret should be kept sacred. Those two simple creatures,
Agafya and her aunt, I may as well say at once, behaved like perfect
angels all through this business. They genuinely adored their ‘Katya,’
thought her far above them, and waited on her, hand and foot. But
Agafya told her of our conversation. I found that out afterwards. She
didn’t keep it back, and of course that was all I wanted.
“Suddenly the new major arrived to take command of the battalion. The
old lieutenant-colonel was taken ill at once, couldn’t leave his room
for two days, and didn’t hand over the government money. Dr. Kravchenko
declared that he really was ill. But I knew for a fact, and had known
for a long time, that for the last four years the money had never been