The Confessions of St. Augustine
But thus far was Alypius to be instructed. For forthwith, O Lord, Thou
succouredst his innocency, whereof Thou alone wert witness. For as he
was being led either to prison or to punishment, a certain architect met
them, who had the chief charge of the public buildings. Glad they
were to meet him especially, by whom they were wont to be suspected of
stealing the goods lost out of the market-place, as though to show him at
last by whom these thefts were committed. He, however, had divers times
seen Alypius at a certain senator's house, to whom he often went to pay
his respects; and recognising him immediately, took him aside by the
hand, and enquiring the occasion of so great a calamity, heard the whole
matter, and bade all present, amid much uproar and threats, to go with
him. So they came to the house of the young man who had done the
deed. There, before the door, was a boy so young as to be likely, not
apprehending any harm to his master, to disclose the whole. For he
had attended his master to the market-place. Whom so soon as Alypius
remembered, he told the architect: and he showing the hatchet to the
boy, asked him "Whose that was?" "Ours," quoth he presently: and being
further questioned, he discovered every thing. Thus the crime being
transferred to that house, and the multitude ashamed, which had begun
to insult over Alypius, he who was to be a dispenser of Thy Word, and an
examiner of many causes in Thy Church, went away better experienced and
instructed.
Him then I had found at Rome, and he clave to me by a most strong tie,
and went with me to Milan, both that he might not leave me, and might
practise something of the law he had studied, more to please his parents
than himself. There he had thrice sat as Assessor, with an uncorruptness
much wondered at by others, he wondering at others rather who could
prefer gold to honesty. His character was tried besides, not only with
the bait of covetousness, but with the goad of fear. At Rome he was
Assessor to the count of the Italian Treasury. There was at that time a
very powerful senator, to whose favours many stood indebted, many much
feared. He would needs, by his usual power, have a thing allowed him
which by the laws was unallowed. Alypius resisted it: a bribe was
promised; with all his heart he scorned it: threats were held out; he
trampled upon them: all wondering at so unwonted a spirit, which neither
desired the friendship, nor feared the enmity of one so great and so
mightily renowned for innumerable means of doing good or evil. And the
very judge, whose councillor Alypius was, although also unwilling
it should be, yet did not openly refuse, but put the matter off upon
Alypius, alleging that he would not allow him to do it: for in truth had
the judge done it, Alypius would have decided otherwise. With this one
thing in the way of learning was he well-nigh seduced, that he might
have books copied for him at Praetorian prices, but consulting justice,
he altered his deliberation for the better; esteeming equity whereby he
was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were allowed. These
are slight things, but he that is faithful in little, is faithful also
in much. Nor can that any how be void, which proceeded out of the mouth
of Thy Truth: If ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous Mammon,
who will commit to your trust true riches? And if ye have not been
faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which
is your own? He being such, did at that time cleave to me, and with me
wavered in purpose, what course of life was to be taken.
Nebridius also, who having left his native country near Carthage, yea
and Carthage itself, where he had much lived, leaving his excellent
family-estate and house, and a mother behind, who was not to follow him,
had come to Milan, for no other reason but that with me he might live in
a most ardent search after truth and wisdom. Like me he sighed, like
me he wavered, an ardent searcher after true life, and a most acute
examiner of the most difficult questions. Thus were there the mouths
of three indigent persons, sighing out their wants one to another, and
waiting upon Thee that Thou mightest give them their meat in due season.
And in all the bitterness which by Thy mercy followed our worldly
affairs, as we looked towards the end, why we should suffer all this,
darkness met us; and we turned away groaning, and saying, How long shall
these things be? This too we often said; and so saying forsook them not,
for as yet there dawned nothing certain, which these forsaken, we might
embrace.
And I, viewing and reviewing things, most wondered at the length of time
from that my nineteenth year, wherein I had begun to kindle with the
desire of wisdom, settling when I had found her, to abandon all the
empty hopes and lying frenzies of vain desires. And lo, I was now in
my thirtieth year, sticking in the same mire, greedy of enjoying things
present, which passed away and wasted my soul; while I said to myself,
"Tomorrow I shall find it; it will appear manifestly and I shall grasp
it; lo, Faustus the Manichee will come, and clear every thing! O you
great men, ye Academicians, it is true then, that no certainty can
be attained for the ordering of life! Nay, let us search the more
diligently, and despair not. Lo, things in the ecclesiastical books
are not absurd to us now, which sometimes seemed absurd, and may be
otherwise taken, and in a good sense. I will take my stand, where, as
a child, my parents placed me, until the clear truth be found out. But
where shall it be sought or when? Ambrose has no leisure; we have no
leisure to read; where shall we find even the books? Whence, or when
procure them? from whom borrow them? Let set times be appointed, and
certain hours be ordered for the health of our soul. Great hope has
dawned; the Catholic Faith teaches not what we thought, and vainly
accused it of; her instructed members hold it profane to believe God to
be bounded by the figure of a human body: and do we doubt to 'knock,'
that the rest 'may be opened'? The forenoons our scholars take up; what
do we during the rest? Why not this? But when then pay we court to our
great friends, whose favour we need? When compose what we may sell
to scholars? When refresh ourselves, unbending our minds from this
intenseness of care?
"Perish every thing, dismiss we these empty vanities, and betake
ourselves to the one search for truth! Life is vain, death uncertain; if
it steals upon us on a sudden, in what state shall we depart hence?
and where shall we learn what here we have neglected? and shall we not
rather suffer the punishment of this negligence? What, if death itself
cut off and end all care and feeling? Then must this be ascertained.
But God forbid this! It is no vain and empty thing, that the excellent
dignity of the authority of the Christian Faith hath overspread the
whole world. Never would such and so great things be by God wrought for
us, if with the death of the body the life of the soul came to an end.
Wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes, and give ourselves wholly
to seek after God and the blessed life? But wait! Even those things are
pleasant; they have some, and no small sweetness. We must not lightly
abandon them, for it were a shame to return again to them. See, it is
no great matter now to obtain some station, and then what should we more
wish for? We have store of powerful friends; if nothing else offer, and
we be in much haste, at least a presidentship may be given us: and a
wife with some money, that she increase not our charges: and this shall
be the bound of desire. Many great men, and most worthy of imitation,
have given themselves to the study of wisdom in the state of marriage."
While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my
heart this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the
Lord; and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not
daily to die in myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own
abode, and sought it, by fleeing from it. I thought I should be too
miserable, unless folded in female arms; and of the medicine of Thy
mercy to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As for
continency, I supposed it to be in our own power (though in myself I did
not find that power), being so foolish as not to know what is written,
None can be continent unless Thou give it; and that Thou wouldest give
it, if with inward groanings I did knock at Thine ears, and with a
settled faith did cast my care on Thee.
Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no
means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as
we had long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point,
so that it was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his
youth he had entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein;
rather had he felt remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth until
now most continently. But I opposed him with the examples of those who
as married men had cherished wisdom, and served God acceptably, and
retained their friends, and loved them faithfully. Of whose greatness of
spirit I was far short; and bound with the disease of the flesh, and its
deadly sweetness, drew along my chain, dreading to be loosed, and as if
my wound had been fretted, put back his good persuasions, as it were the
hand of one that would unchain me. Moreover, by me did the serpent
speak unto Alypius himself, by my tongue weaving and laying in his
path pleasurable snares, wherein his virtuous and free feet might be
entangled.
For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should stick
so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft as we
discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in my
defence when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference between
his momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life, which so
he might easily despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto if the
honourable name of marriage were added, he ought not to wonder why I
could not contemn that course; he began also to desire to be married;
not as overcome with desire of such pleasure, but out of curiosity. For
he would fain know, he said, what that should be, without which my life,
to him so pleasing, would to me seem not life but a punishment. For his
mind, free from that chain, was amazed at my thraldom; and through that
amazement was going on to a desire of trying it, thence to the trial
itself, and thence perhaps to sink into that bondage whereat he
wondered, seeing he was willing to make a covenant with death; and he
that loves danger, shall fall into it. For whatever honour there be in
the office of well-ordering a married life, and a family, moved us but
slightly. But me for the most part the habit of satisfying an insatiable
appetite tormented, while it held me captive; him, an admiring wonder
was leading captive. So were we, until Thou, O Most High, not forsaking
our dust, commiserating us miserable, didst come to our help, by
wondrous and secret ways.
Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was
promised, chiefly through my mother's pains, that so once married, the
health-giving baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced
that I was being daily fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy
promises, were being fulfilled in my faith. At which time verily, both
at my request and her own longing, with strong cries of heart she
daily begged of Thee, that Thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her
something concerning my future marriage; Thou never wouldest. She saw
indeed certain vain and fantastic things, such as the energy of the