The Confessions of St. Augustine
human spirit, busied thereon, brought together; and these she told me
of, not with that confidence she was wont, when Thou showedst her any
thing, but slighting them. For she could, she said, through a certain
feeling, which in words she could not express, discern betwixt Thy
revelations, and the dreams of her own soul. Yet the matter was pressed
on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the fit age; and, as
pleasing, was waited for.
And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent
turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living
apart from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus
obtained; we were to bring whatever we might severally procure, and
make one household of all; so that through the truth of our friendship
nothing should belong especially to any; but the whole thus derived from
all, should as a whole belong to each, and all to all. We thought there
might be some often persons in this society; some of whom were very
rich, especially Romanianus our townsman, from childhood a very familiar
friend of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs had
brought up to court; who was the most earnest for this project; and
therein was his voice of great weight, because his ample estate far
exceeded any of the rest. We had settled also that two annual officers,
as it were, should provide all things necessary, the rest being
undisturbed. But when we began to consider whether the wives, which
some of us already had, others hoped to have, would allow this, all that
plan, which was being so well moulded, fell to pieces in our hands, was
utterly dashed and cast aside. Thence we betook us to sighs, and groans,
and our steps to follow the broad and beaten ways of the world; for many
thoughts were in our heart, but Thy counsel standeth for ever. Out
of which counsel Thou didst deride ours, and preparedst Thine own;
purposing to give us meat in due season, and to fill our souls with
blessing.
Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn
from my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto
her was torn and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric, vowing
unto Thee never to know any other man, leaving with me my son by her.
But unhappy I, who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay,
inasmuch as not till after two years was I to obtain her I sought not
being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust, procured another,
though no wife, that so by the servitude of an enduring custom, the
disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in its vigour, or
even augmented, into the dominion of marriage. Nor was that my wound
cured, which had been made by the cutting away of the former, but after
inflammation and most acute pain, it mortified, and my pains became less
acute, but more desperate.
To Thee be praise, glory to Thee, Fountain of mercies. I was becoming
more miserable, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was continually ready to
pluck me out of the mire, and to wash me thoroughly, and I knew it
not; nor did anything call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal
pleasures, but the fear of death, and of Thy judgment to come; which
amid all my changes, never departed from my breast. And in my disputes
with my friends Alypius and Nebridius of the nature of good and evil, I
held that Epicurus had in my mind won the palm, had I not believed that
after death there remained a life for the soul, and places of requital
according to men's deserts, which Epicurus would not believe. And I
asked, "were we immortal, and to live in perpetual bodily pleasure,
without fear of losing it, why should we not be happy, or what else
should we seek?" not knowing that great misery was involved in this very
thing, that, being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that light
of excellence and beauty, to be embraced for its own sake, which the eye
of flesh cannot see, and is seen by the inner man. Nor did I, unhappy,
consider from what source it sprung, that even on these things, foul as
they were, I with pleasure discoursed with my friends, nor could I,
even according to the notions I then had of happiness, be happy without
friends, amid what abundance soever of carnal pleasures. And yet these
friends I loved for themselves only, and I felt that I was beloved of
them again for myself only.
O crooked paths! Woe to the audacious soul, which hoped, by forsaking
Thee, to gain some better thing! Turned it hath, and turned again, upon
back, sides, and belly, yet all was painful; and Thou alone rest.
And behold, Thou art at hand, and deliverest us from our wretched
wanderings, and placest us in Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say,
"Run; I will carry you; yea I will bring you through; there also will I
carry you."
BOOK VII
Deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth, and I was passing
into early manhood; the more defiled by vain things as I grew in years,
who could not imagine any substance, but such as is wont to be seen with
these eyes. I thought not of Thee, O God, under the figure of a human
body; since I began to hear aught of wisdom, I always avoided this; and
rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother,
Thy Catholic Church. But what else to conceive of Thee I knew not. And
I, a man, and such a man, sought to conceive of Thee the sovereign,
only, true God; and I did in my inmost soul believe that Thou wert
incorruptible, and uninjurable, and unchangeable; because though not
knowing whence or how, yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that that which
may be corrupted must be inferior to that which cannot; what could not
be injured I preferred unhesitatingly to what could receive injury; the
unchangeable to things subject to change. My heart passionately cried
out against all my phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to beat
away from the eye of my mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around
it. And lo, being scarce put off, in the twinkling of an eye they
gathered again thick about me, flew against my face, and beclouded
it; so that though not under the form of the human body, yet was I
constrained to conceive of Thee (that incorruptible, uninjurable, and
unchangeable, which I preferred before the corruptible, and injurable,
and changeable) as being in space, whether infused into the world, or
diffused infinitely without it. Because whatsoever I conceived, deprived
of this space, seemed to me nothing, yea altogether nothing, not even
a void, as if a body were taken out of its place, and the place should
remain empty of any body at all, of earth and water, air and heaven, yet
would it remain a void place, as it were a spacious nothing.
I then being thus gross-hearted, nor clear even to myself, whatsoever
was not extended over certain spaces, nor diffused, nor condensed, nor
swelled out, or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions,
I thought to be altogether nothing. For over such forms as my eyes are
wont to range, did my heart then range: nor yet did I see that this same
notion of the mind, whereby I formed those very images, was not of this
sort, and yet it could not have formed them, had not itself been some
great thing. So also did I endeavour to conceive of Thee, Life of my
life, as vast, through infinite spaces on every side penetrating
the whole mass of the universe, and beyond it, every way, through
unmeasurable boundless spaces; so that the earth should have Thee, the
heaven have Thee, all things have Thee, and they be bounded in Thee, and
Thou bounded nowhere. For that as the body of this air which is above
the earth, hindereth not the light of the sun from passing through it,
penetrating it, not by bursting or by cutting, but by filling it wholly:
so I thought the body not of heaven, air, and sea only, but of the earth
too, pervious to Thee, so that in all its parts, the greatest as the
smallest, it should admit Thy presence, by a secret inspiration, within
and without, directing all things which Thou hast created. So I guessed,
only as unable to conceive aught else, for it was false. For thus should
a greater part of the earth contain a greater portion of Thee, and a
less, a lesser: and all things should in such sort be full of Thee,
that the body of an elephant should contain more of Thee, than that of
a sparrow, by how much larger it is, and takes up more room; and thus
shouldest Thou make the several portions of Thyself present unto the
several portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large,
petty to the petty. But such art not Thou. But not as yet hadst Thou
enlightened my darkness.
It was enough for me, Lord, to oppose to those deceived deceivers, and
dumb praters, since Thy word sounded not out of them;--that was enough
which long ago, while we were yet at Carthage, Nebridius used to
propound, at which all we that heard it were staggered: "That said
nation of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing
mass over against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou
refused to fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have
done Thee some hurt,' then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and
corruption: but it could do Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought
for Thy fighting with it; and fighting in such wise, as that a certain
portion or member of Thee, or offspring of Thy very Substance, should be
mingled with opposed powers, and natures not created by Thee, and be
by them so far corrupted and changed to the worse, as to be turned
from happiness into misery, and need assistance, whereby it might be
extricated and purified; and that this offspring of Thy Substance was
the soul, which being enthralled, defiled, corrupted, Thy Word, free,
pure, and whole, might relieve; that Word itself being still corruptible
because it was of one and the same Substance. So then, should they
affirm Thee, whatsoever Thou art, that is, Thy Substance whereby
Thou art, to be incorruptible, then were all these sayings false and
execrable; but if corruptible, the very statement showed it to be false
and revolting." This argument then of Nebridius sufficed against those
who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged stomach; for
they had no escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue, thus
thinking and speaking of Thee.
But I also as yet, although I held and was firmly persuaded that Thou
our Lord the true God, who madest not only our souls, but our bodies,
and not only our souls and bodies, but all beings, and all things, wert
undefilable and unalterable, and in no degree mutable; yet understood I
not, clearly and without difficulty, the cause of evil. And yet whatever
it were, I perceived it was in such wise to be sought out, as should not
constrain me to believe the immutable God to be mutable, lest I should
become that evil I was seeking out. I sought it out then, thus far free
from anxiety, certain of the untruth of what these held, from whom I
shrunk with my whole heart: for I saw, that through enquiring the origin
of evil, they were filled with evil, in that they preferred to think
that Thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it.
And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was the
cause of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering ill. But
I was not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to draw my
soul's vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged therein, and
endeavouring often, I was plunged back as often. But this raised me a
little into Thy light, that I knew as well that I had a will, as that I
lived: when then I did will or nill any thing, I was most sure that no
other than myself did will and nill: and I all but saw that there
was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my will, I saw that