The Confessions of St. Augustine
Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Thy Spirit; and
chiefly the Apostle Paul. Whereupon those difficulties vanished away,
wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his
discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets.
And the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same; and I
learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began; and whatsoever truth
I had read in those other books, I found here amid the praise of Thy
Grace; that whoso sees, may not so glory as if he had not received, not
only what he sees, but also that he sees (for what hath he, which he
hath not received?), and that he may be not only admonished to behold
Thee, who art ever the same, but also healed, to hold Thee; and that he
who cannot see afar off, may yet walk on the way, whereby he may arrive,
and behold, and hold Thee. For, though a man be delighted with the law
of God after the inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his
members which warreth against the law of his mind, and bringeth him
into captivity to the law of sin which is in his members? For, Thou art
righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and committed iniquity, and have
done wickedly, and Thy hand is grown heavy upon us, and we are justly
delivered over unto that ancient sinner, the king of death; because
he persuaded our will to be like his will whereby he abode not in Thy
truth. What shall wretched man do? who shall deliver him from the body
of his death, but only Thy Grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom
Thou hast begotten co-eternal, and formedst in the beginning of Thy
ways, in whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death,
yet killed he Him; and the handwriting, which was contrary to us, was
blotted out? This those writings contain not. Those pages present not
the image of this piety, the tears of confession, Thy sacrifice, a
troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite heart, the salvation of the
people, the Bridal City, the earnest of the Holy Ghost, the Cup of our
Redemption. No man sings there, Shall not my soul be submitted unto God?
for of Him cometh my salvation. For He is my God and my salvation, my
guardian, I shall no more be moved. No one there hears Him call, Come
unto Me, all ye that labour. They scorn to learn of Him, because He is
meek and lowly in heart; for these things hast Thou hid from the wise
and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is one thing,
from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace, and to find no
way thither; and in vain to essay through ways unpassable, opposed and
beset by fugitives and deserters, under their captain the lion and the
dragon: and another to keep on the way that leads thither, guarded by
the host of the heavenly General; where they spoil not who have deserted
the heavenly army; for they avoid it, as very torment. These things did
wonderfully sink into my bowels, when I read that least of Thy Apostles,
and had meditated upon Thy works, and trembled exceedingly.
BOOK VIII
O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy
mercies on me. Let my bones be bedewed with Thy love, and let them say
unto Thee, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord? Thou hast broken my bonds in
sunder, I will offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. And how
Thou hast broken them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when
they hear this, shall say, "Blessed be the Lord, in heaven and in earth,
great and wonderful is his name." Thy words had stuck fast in my heart,
and I was hedged round about on all sides by Thee. Of Thy eternal life I
was now certain, though I saw it in a figure and as through a glass. Yet
I had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence
was all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of
Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was
wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old leaven. The Way,
the Saviour Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going
through its straitness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and it seemed
good in my eyes, to go to Simplicianus, who seemed to me a good servant
of Thine; and Thy grace shone in him. I had heard also that from his
very youth he had lived most devoted unto Thee. Now he was grown into
years; and by reason of so great age spent in such zealous following of
Thy ways, he seemed to me likely to have learned much experience; and
so he had. Out of which store I wished that he would tell me (setting
before him my anxieties) which were the fittest way for one in my case
to walk in Thy paths.
For, I saw the church full; and one went this way, and another that way.
But I was displeased that I led a secular life; yea now that my desires
no longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of honour and profit,
a very grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage. For, in
comparison of Thy sweetness, and the beauty of Thy house which I loved,
those things delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with
the love of woman; nor did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he
advised me to something better, chiefly wishing that all men were as
himself was. But I being weak, chose the more indulgent place; and
because of this alone, was tossed up and down in all beside, faint and
wasted with withering cares, because in other matters I was constrained
against my will to conform myself to a married life, to which I was
given up and enthralled. I had heard from the mouth of the Truth,
that there were some eunuchs which had made themselves eunuchs for the
kingdom of heaven's sake: but, saith He, let him who can receive it,
receive it. Surely vain are all men who are ignorant of God, and could
not out of the good things which are seen, find out Him who is good. But
I was no longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it; and by the common
witness of all Thy creatures had found Thee our Creator, and Thy Word,
God with Thee, and together with Thee one God, by whom Thou createdst
all things. There is yet another kind of ungodly, who knowing God,
glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful. Into this also had
I fallen, but Thy right hand upheld me, and took me thence, and Thou
placedst me where I might recover. For Thou hast said unto man, Behold,
the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and, Desire not to seem wise; because
they who affirmed themselves to be wise, became fools. But I had now
found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I had, I ought to have
bought, and I hesitated.
To Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (a Bishop now) in
receiving Thy grace, and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him I
related the mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had read
certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Rhetoric
Professor of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had heard), had
translated into Latin, he testified his joy that I had not fallen upon
the writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies and deceits, after
the rudiments of this world, whereas the Platonists many ways led to the
belief in God and His Word. Then to exhort me to the humility of
Christ, hidden from the wise, and revealed to little ones, he spoke of
Victorinus himself, whom while at Rome he had most intimately known: and
of him he related what I will not conceal. For it contains great praise
of Thy grace, to be confessed unto Thee, how that aged man, most learned
and skilled in the liberal sciences, and who had read, and weighed
so many works of the philosophers; the instructor of so many noble
Senators, who also, as a monument of his excellent discharge of his
office, had (which men of this world esteem a high honour) both deserved
and obtained a statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that age a worshipper
of idols, and a partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all
the nobility of Rome were given up, and had inspired the people with the
love of
Anubis, barking Deity, and all
The monster Gods of every kind, who fought
'Gainst Neptune, Venus, and Minerva:
whom Rome once conquered, now adored, all which the aged Victorinus had
with thundering eloquence so many years defended;--he now blushed not
to be the child of Thy Christ, and the new-born babe of Thy fountain;
submitting his neck to the yoke of humility, and subduing his forehead
to the reproach of the Cross.
O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and come down, touched the
mountains and they did smoke, by what means didst Thou convey Thyself
into that breast? He used to read (as Simplicianus said) the holy
Scripture, most studiously sought and searched into all the Christian
writings, and said to Simplicianus (not openly, but privately and as
a friend), "Understand that I am already a Christian." Whereto he
answered, "I will not believe it, nor will I rank you among Christians,
unless I see you in the Church of Christ." The other, in banter,
replied, "Do walls then make Christians?" And this he often said, that
he was already a Christian; and Simplicianus as often made the same
answer, and the conceit of the "walls" was by the other as often
renewed. For he feared to offend his friends, proud daemon-worshippers,
from the height of whose Babylonian dignity, as from cedars of Libanus,
which the Lord had not yet broken down, he supposed the weight of enmity
would fall upon him. But after that by reading and earnest thought he
had gathered firmness, and feared to be denied by Christ before the holy
angels, should he now be afraid to confess Him before men, and appeared
to himself guilty of a heavy offence, in being ashamed of the Sacraments
of the humility of Thy Word, and not being ashamed of the sacrilegious
rites of those proud daemons, whose pride he had imitated and their
rites adopted, he became bold-faced against vanity, and shame-faced
towards the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus
(as himself told me), "Go we to the Church; I wish to be made a
Christian." But he, not containing himself for joy, went with him. And
having been admitted to the first Sacrament and become a Catechumen, not
long after he further gave in his name, that he might be regenerated by
baptism, Rome wondering, the Church rejoicing. The proud saw, and were
wroth; they gnashed with their teeth, and melted away. But the Lord
God was the hope of Thy servant, and he regarded not vanities and lying
madness.
To conclude, when the hour was come for making profession of his faith
(which at Rome they, who are about to approach to Thy grace, deliver,
from an elevated place, in the sight of all the faithful, in a set
form of words committed to memory), the presbyters, he said, offered
Victorinus (as was done to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to
be alarmed) to make his profession more privately: but he chose rather
to profess his salvation in the presence of the holy multitude. "For
it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had
publicly professed: how much less then ought he, when pronouncing Thy
word, to dread Thy meek flock, who, when delivering his own words,
had not feared a mad multitude!" When, then, he went up to make his
profession, all, as they knew him, whispered his name one to another
with the voice of congratulation. And who there knew him not? and there
ran a low murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude,
Victorinus! Victorinus! Sudden was the burst of rapture, that they saw
him; suddenly were they hushed that they might hear him. He pronounced
the true faith with an excellent boldness, and all wished to draw him
into their very heart; yea by their love and joy they drew him thither,
such were the hands wherewith they drew him.
Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the