The Confessions of St. Augustine
salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if
there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so
Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent than
over ninety-nine just persons that need no repentance. And with much
joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which
had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd's shoulder, and the groat
is restored to Thy treasury, the neighbours rejoicing with the woman
who found it; and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth
to tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy younger son, that he was
dead, and liveth again; had been lost, and is found. For Thou rejoicest
in us, and in Thy holy angels, holy through holy charity. For Thou art
ever the same; for all things which abide not the same nor for ever,
Thou for ever knowest in the same way.
What then takes place in the soul, when it is more delighted at finding
or recovering the things it loves, than if it had ever had them? yea,
and other things witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses,
crying out, "So is it." The conquering commander triumpheth; yet had he
not conquered unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the
battle, so much the more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses
the sailors, threatens shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death;
sky and sea are calmed, and they are exceeding joyed, as having been
exceeding afraid. A friend is sick, and his pulse threatens danger; all
who long for his recovery are sick in mind with him. He is restored,
though as yet he walks not with his former strength; yet there is such
joy, as was not, when before he walked sound and strong. Yea, the very
pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties, not those only
which fall upon us unlooked for, and against our wills, but even by
self-chosen, and pleasure-seeking trouble. Eating and drinking have no
pleasure, unless there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men,
given to drink, eat certain salt meats, to procure a troublesome heat,
which the drink allaying, causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the
affianced bride should not at once be given, lest as a husband he should
hold cheap whom, as betrothed, he sighed not after.
This law holds in foul and accursed joy; this in permitted and lawful
joy; this in the very purest perfection of friendship; this, in him who
was dead, and lived again; had been lost and was found. Every where the
greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O Lord
my God, whereas Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some things
around Thee evermore rejoice in Thee? What means this, that this portion
of things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and reconciled?
Is this their allotted measure? Is this all Thou hast assigned to them,
whereas from the highest heavens to the lowest earth, from the beginning
of the world to the end of ages, from the angel to the worm, from the
first motion to the last, Thou settest each in its place, and realisest
each in their season, every thing good after its kind? Woe is me! how
high art Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! and Thou
never departest, and we scarcely return to Thee.
Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us;
inflame, grow sweet unto us, let us now love, let us run. Do not many,
out of a deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee,
approach, and are enlightened, receiving that Light, which they who
receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons? But if they be less
known to the nations, even they that know them, joy less for them. For
when many joy together, each also has more exuberant joy for that they
are kindled and inflamed one by the other. Again, because those known to
many, influence the more towards salvation, and lead the way with many
to follow. And therefore do they also who preceded them much rejoice in
them, because they rejoice not in them alone. For far be it, that in Thy
tabernacle the persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor,
or the noble before the ignoble; seeing rather Thou hast chosen the weak
things of the world to confound the strong; and the base things of this
world, and the things despised hast Thou chosen, and those things which
are not, that Thou mightest bring to nought things that are. And yet
even that least of Thy apostles, by whose tongue Thou soundedst forth
these words, when through his warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride
conquered, was made to pass under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and
became a provincial of the great King; he also for his former name Saul,
was pleased to be called Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For
the enemy is more overcome in one, of whom he hath more hold; by whom
he hath hold of more. But the proud he hath more hold of, through their
nobility; and by them, of more through their authority. By how much the
more welcome then the heart of Victorinus was esteemed, which the devil
had held as an impregnable possession, the tongue of Victorinus,
with which mighty and keen weapon he had slain many; so much the more
abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for that our King hath bound the
strong man, and they saw his vessels taken from him and cleansed, and
made meet for Thy honour; and become serviceable for the Lord, unto
every good work.
But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of
Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; for for this very end had
he related it. But when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the
Emperor Julian a law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to
teach the liberal sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law,
chose rather to give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which
Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb; he seemed to me not more
resolute than blessed, in having thus found opportunity to wait on Thee
only. Which thing I was sighing for, bound as I was, not with another's
irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy held, and thence had
made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust
made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted, became
necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called
it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which
had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee,
O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my
former wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new,
and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me;
and by their discord, undid my soul.
Thus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh
lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself
verily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself,
than in that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now
for the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against
my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had
obtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly,
whither I willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just
punishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea,
that I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee,
for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too
was. But I still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy
banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should
fear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present
world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein
I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who
yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as
no one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is
better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his
limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even
after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured
that much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than
to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course
satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me
mastered. Nor had I any thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake,
thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee
light. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst
was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but
only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon," "presently," "leave
me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my
"little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy
law according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled
against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin
which was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of custom,
whereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but
deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver
me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only,
through Jesus Christ our Lord?
And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I
was bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery
of worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O
Lord, my helper and my redeemer. Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing
my wonted business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church,
whenever free from the business under the burden of which I groaned.
Alypius was with me, now after the third sitting released from his law
business, and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill
of speaking, if indeed teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in
consideration of our friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a
citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all;
who urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our
company, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not
drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made much
more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle
friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight our
request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known
to personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction
of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as
many hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning
wisdom.
Upon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there
came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as
being an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would
with us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that
upon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened
it, and contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he
thought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in teaching.
Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder that
he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he
was a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed himself before Thee our
God in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had
told him that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a
conversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian
monk: whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to
that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more