The Confessions of St. Augustine
that enlightened every man that cometh into the world. Take heed what
you say, and blush for shame: draw near unto Him and be enlightened,
and your faces shall not be ashamed. Myself when I was deliberating
upon serving the Lord my God now, as I had long purposed, it was I who
willed, I who nilled, I, I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor nilled
entirely. Therefore was I at strife with myself, and rent asunder by
myself. And this rent befell me against my will, and yet indicated, not
the presence of another mind, but the punishment of my own. Therefore it
was no more I that wrought it, but sin that dwelt in me; the punishment
of a sin more freely committed, in that I was a son of Adam.
For if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills,
there shall now be not two only, but many. If a man deliberate whether
he should go to their conventicle or to the theatre, these Manichees
cry out, Behold, here are two natures: one good, draws this way; another
bad, draws back that way. For whence else is this hesitation between
conflicting wills? But I say that both be bad: that which draws to them,
as that which draws back to the theatre. But they believe not that
will to be other than good, which draws to them. What then if one of us
should deliberate, and amid the strife of his two wills be in a strait,
whether he should go to the theatre or to our church? would not these
Manichees also be in a strait what to answer? For either they must
confess (which they fain would not) that the will which leads to our
church is good, as well as theirs, who have received and are held by the
mysteries of theirs: or they must suppose two evil natures, and two evil
souls conflicting in one man, and it will not be true, which they say,
that there is one good and another bad; or they must be converted to the
truth, and no more deny that where one deliberates, one soul fluctuates
between contrary wills.
Let them no more say then, when they perceive two conflicting wills
in one man, that the conflict is between two contrary souls, of two
contrary substances, from two contrary principles, one good, and the
other bad. For Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check, and convict them;
as when, both wills being bad, one deliberates whether he should kill
a man by poison or by the sword; whether he should seize this or that
estate of another's, when he cannot both; whether he should purchase
pleasure by luxury, or keep his money by covetousness; whether he go to
the circus or the theatre, if both be open on one day; or thirdly, to
rob another's house, if he have the opportunity; or, fourthly, to commit
adultery, if at the same time he have the means thereof also; all these
meeting together in the same juncture of time, and all being equally
desired, which cannot at one time be acted: for they rend the mind
amid four, or even (amid the vast variety of things desired) more,
conflicting wills, nor do they yet allege that there are so many divers
substances. So also in wills which are good. For I ask them, is it good
to take pleasure in reading the Apostle? or good to take pleasure in
a sober Psalm? or good to discourse on the Gospel? They will answer to
each, "it is good." What then if all give equal pleasure, and all at
once? Do not divers wills distract the mind, while he deliberates which
he should rather choose? yet are they all good, and are at variance till
one be chosen, whither the one entire will may be borne, which before
was divided into many. Thus also, when, above, eternity delights us, and
the pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same soul
which willeth not this or that with an entire will; and therefore is
rent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of truth it sets this
first, but out of habit sets not that aside.
Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely
than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly
broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O
Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling
the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not
bursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and
bind me the faster. For I said with myself, "Be it done now, be it done
now." And as I spake, I all but enacted it: I all but did it, and did
it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by,
and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it,
and somewhat less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet
came not at it, nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to
death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed
more with me than the better whereto I was unused: and the very moment
wherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me,
the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back,
nor turned me away, but held me in suspense.
The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses,
still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly,
"Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with
thee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful
for thee for ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said,
"this or that," what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it
away from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest!
what shame! And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly
showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind
my back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back
on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and
shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called;
a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without
them?"
But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my
face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste
dignity of Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring
me to come and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace
me, her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so
many young men and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age,
grave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not
barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband,
O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as would she
say, "Canst not thou what these youths, what these maidens can? or can
they either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The
Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and
so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw
Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He
will receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed exceedingly, for that
I yet heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she
again seemed to say, "Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members
on the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights,
but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God." This controversy in my
heart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting close by my side,
in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion.
But when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul
drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart;
there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which
that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from
Alypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of
weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a
burden to me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived something of
it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice
appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained
where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I
know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears;
and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee.
And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto
Thee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry for
ever? Remember not our former iniquities, for I felt that I was held by
them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, "tomorrow,
and tomorrow?" Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my
uncleanness?
So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart,
when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl,
I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and
read." Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently
whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor
could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent
of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from
God to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I
had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel,
he received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him:
Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have
treasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was
forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place
where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the
Apostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that
section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not
in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye
on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in
concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at
the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into
my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.
Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume,
and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was
wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see
what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had
read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, him that is weak in
the faith, receive; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me.
And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and
purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always
very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he
joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we
relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth,
and blesseth Thee, Who are able to do above that which we ask or think;
for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she
was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou
convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope
of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed
me unto her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst convert
her mourning into joy, much more plentiful than she had desired, and
in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required, by having
grandchildren of my body.
BOOK IX
O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid:
Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice
of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my bones
say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou me,
and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and what am I? What