The Confessions of St. Augustine
evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if
not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, are good and merciful, and Thy
right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom
of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole gift
was, to nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where
through all those years, and out of what low and deep recess was my
free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy
easy yoke, and my shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my
Helper and my Redeemer? How sweet did it at once become to me, to want
the sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was
now a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou
true and highest sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them
enteredst in Thyself, sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and
blood; brighter than all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher
than all honour, but not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my
soul free from the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering
in filth, and scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue
spake freely to Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the
Lord my God.
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to
withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that
the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying
dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for
their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto
the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a
regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no
more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men,
other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among
ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending
from the valley of tears, and singing that song of degrees, Thou hadst
given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the subtle tongue,
which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of love
devour us, as it doth its meat.
Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words
as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants,
whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled
together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that
our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the abyss; and they
fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle tongues from
gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not extinguish
us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou hast hallowed
throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also find some to
commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now
so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was before
the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine, and observing
how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would
talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what
end had it served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my
purpose, and that our good should be evil spoken of.
Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs
began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply
with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were
injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had
troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that
burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to
intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see
how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou
knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary, and that
no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence taken by
those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the freedom of
Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time
were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured
manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of
this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been
overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy
servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart
fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the
chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most
merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most
horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water?
Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that
being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw
that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian,
his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any
other chain, was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now
essayed. For he would not, he said, be a Christian on any other terms
than on those he could not. However, he offered us courteously to remain
at his country-house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O Lord,
shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just, seeing Thou hast
already given him the lot of the righteous. For although, in our
absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily sickness, and
therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed
this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest
remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable
to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable
sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions
and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest
Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever
of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of Thy
Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in that
rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain.
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he
also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most
pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet
emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with any
Sacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom,
not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism, being
also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee in
perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in Africa, his whole
house having through him first been made Christian, didst Thou release
from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever that be,
which is signified by that bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my sweet
friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man: there he liveth.
For what other place is there for such a soul? There he liveth, whereof
he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not his ear
to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as
much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly
happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget
me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were
we then, comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship
permitted, that our conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to
become faithful, according to his measure, namely, of a married estate;
and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being so near, he was all
but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at length; for long and many
they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful liberty, that I might
sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart hath said unto Thee, I
have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric
Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done.
Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart.
And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What
I there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though
still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of
pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated with others, as what
with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my
Epistles bear witness. And when shall I have time to rehearse all Thy
great benefits towards us at that time, especially when hasting on to
yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it
to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me;
and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high
imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways;
and how Thou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the
name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which
he would not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For
rather would he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools,
which the Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the
Church, the antidote against serpents.
Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of
David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no
swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love,
resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to
us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age,
motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee
in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on
fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against the
pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world, nor can
any hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was
I angered at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not
those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote
which might have recovered them of their madness. How I would they
had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they were
there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read
the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought
upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in
tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear
my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they could hear,
without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I spake
it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the same
things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heard and saw me;
nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as when I spake by and
for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my soul.
I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in
Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice,
when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long
slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had
loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already
magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at
Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the
Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew
it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from