The Confessions of St. Augustine
wounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken back I said,
"Who can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of Thine eyes."
Thou art the Truth who presidest over all, but I through my covetousness
would not indeed forego Thee, but would with Thee possess a lie; as no
man would in such wise speak falsely, as himself to be ignorant of the
truth. So then I lost Thee, because Thou vouchsafest not to be possessed
with a lie.
Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to
Angels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to return
unto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried this, and
fallen into the desire of curious visions, and been accounted worthy
to be deluded. For they, being high minded, sought Thee by the pride of
learning, swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts, and so
by the agreement of their heart, drew unto themselves the princes of the
air, the fellow-conspirators of their pride, by whom, through magical
influences, they were deceived, seeking a mediator, by whom they might
be purged, and there was none. For the devil it was, transforming
himself into an Angel of light. And it much enticed proud flesh, that he
had no body of flesh. For they were mortal, and sinners; but thou, Lord,
to whom they proudly sought to be reconciled, art immortal, and without
sin. But a mediator between God and man must have something like to God,
something like to men; lest being in both like to man, he should be
far from God: or if in both like God, too unlike man: and so not be a
mediator. That deceitful mediator then, by whom in Thy secret judgments
pride deserved to be deluded, hath one thing in common with man, that
is sin; another he would seem to have in common with God; and not being
clothed with the mortality of flesh, would vaunt himself to be immortal.
But since the wages of sin is death, this hath he in common with men,
that with them he should be condemned to death.
But the true Mediator, Whom in Thy secret mercy Thou hast showed to the
humble, and sentest, that by His example also they might learn that
same humility, that Mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus,
appeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just One; mortal with
men, just with God: that because the wages of righteousness is life and
peace, He might by a righteousness conjoined with God make void that
death of sinners, now made righteous, which He willed to have in common
with them. Hence He was showed forth to holy men of old; that so they,
through faith in His Passion to come, as we through faith of it passed,
might be saved. For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in
the middle between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God,
and together one God.
How hast Thou loved us, good Father, who sparedst not Thine only Son,
but deliveredst Him up for us ungodly! How hast Thou loved us, for whom
He that thought it no robbery to be equal with Thee, was made subject
even to the death of the cross, He alone, free among the dead, having
power to lay down His life, and power to take it again: for us to Thee
both Victor and Victim, and therefore Victor, because the Victim; for
us to Thee Priest and Sacrifice, and therefore Priest because the
Sacrifice; making us to Thee, of servants, sons by being born of Thee,
and serving us. Well then is my hope strong in Him, that Thou wilt heal
all my infirmities, by Him Who sitteth at Thy right hand and maketh
intercession for us; else should I despair. For many and great are my
infirmities, many they are, and great; but Thy medicine is mightier. We
might imagine that Thy Word was far from any union with man, and despair
of ourselves, unless He had been made flesh and dwelt among us.
Affrighted with my sins and the burden of my misery, I had cast in my
heart, and had purposed to flee to the wilderness: but Thou forbadest
me, and strengthenedst me, saying, Therefore Christ died for all, that
they which live may now no longer live unto themselves, but unto Him
that died for them. See, Lord, I cast my care upon Thee, that I may
live, and consider wondrous things out of Thy law. Thou knowest my
unskilfulness, and my infirmities; teach me, and heal me. He, Thine only
Son, in Whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, hath
redeemed me with His blood. Let not the proud speak evil of me; because
I meditate on my ransom, and eat and drink, and communicate it; and
poor, desired to be satisfied from Him, amongst those that eat and are
satisfied, and they shall praise the Lord who seek Him.
BOOK XI
Lord, since eternity is Thine, art Thou ignorant of what I say to Thee?
or dost Thou see in time, what passeth in time? Why then do I lay in
order before Thee so many relations? Not, of a truth, that Thou mightest
learn them through me, but to stir up mine own and my readers' devotions
towards Thee, that we may all say, Great is the Lord, and greatly to be
praised. I have said already; and again will say, for love of Thy
love do I this. For we pray also, and yet Truth hath said, Your Father
knoweth what you have need of, before you ask. It is then our affections
which we lay open unto Thee, confessing our own miseries, and Thy
mercies upon us, that Thou mayest free us wholly, since Thou hast begun,
that we may cease to be wretched in ourselves, and be blessed in Thee;
seeing Thou hast called us, to become poor in spirit, and meek, and
mourners, and hungering and athirst after righteousness, and merciful,
and pure in heart, and peace-makers. See, I have told Thee many things,
as I could and as I would, because Thou first wouldest that I should
confess unto Thee, my Lord God. For Thou art good, for Thy mercy
endureth for ever.
But how shall I suffice with the tongue of my pen to utter all Thy
exhortations, and all Thy terrors, and comforts, and guidances, whereby
Thou broughtest me to preach Thy Word, and dispense Thy Sacrament to Thy
people? And if I suffice to utter them in order, the drops of time are
precious with me; and long have I burned to meditate in Thy law, and
therein to confess to Thee my skill and unskilfulness, the day-break of
Thy enlightening, and the remnants of my darkness, until infirmity be
swallowed up by strength. And I would not have aught besides steal away
those hours which I find free from the necessities of refreshing my body
and the powers of my mind, and of the service which we owe to men, or
which though we owe not, we yet pay.
O Lord my God, give ear unto my prayer, and let Thy mercy hearken unto
my desire: because it is anxious not for myself alone, but would serve
brotherly charity; and Thou seest my heart, that so it is. I would
sacrifice to Thee the service of my thought and tongue; do Thou give me,
what I may offer Thee. For I am poor and needy, Thou rich to all that
call upon Thee; Who, inaccessible to care, carest for us. Circumcise
from all rashness and all lying both my inward and outward lips: let
Thy Scriptures be my pure delights: let me not be deceived in them, nor
deceive out of them. Lord, hearken and pity, O Lord my God, Light of the
blind, and Strength of the weak; yea also Light of those that see, and
Strength of the strong; hearken unto my soul, and hear it crying out of
the depths. For if Thine ears be not with us in the depths also, whither
shall we go? whither cry? The day is Thine, and the night is Thine; at
Thy beck the moments flee by. Grant thereof a space for our meditations
in the hidden things of Thy law, and close it not against us who knock.
For not in vain wouldest Thou have the darksome secrets of so many pages
written; nor are those forests without their harts which retire therein
and range and walk; feed, lie down, and ruminate. Perfect me, O
Lord, and reveal them unto me. Behold, Thy voice is my joy; Thy voice
exceedeth the abundance of pleasures. Give what I love: for I do love;
and this hast Thou given: forsake not Thy own gifts, nor despise Thy
green herb that thirsteth. Let me confess unto Thee whatsoever I shall
find in Thy books, and hear the voice of praise, and drink in Thee,
and meditate on the wonderful things out of Thy law; even from the
beginning, wherein Thou madest the heaven and the earth, unto the
everlasting reigning of Thy holy city with Thee.
Lord, have mercy on me, and hear my desire. For it is not, I deem, of
the earth, not of gold and silver, and precious stones, or gorgeous
apparel, or honours and offices, or the pleasures of the flesh, or
necessaries for the body and for this life of our pilgrimage: all which
shall be added unto those that seek Thy kingdom and Thy righteousness.
Behold, O Lord my God, wherein is my desire. The wicked have told me of
delights, but not such as Thy law, O Lord. Behold, wherein is my desire.
Behold, Father, behold, and see and approve; and be it pleasing in the
sight of Thy mercy, that I may find grace before Thee, that the inward
parts of Thy words be opened to me knocking. I beseech by our Lord Jesus
Christ Thy Son, the Man of Thy right hand, the Son of man, whom Thou
hast established for Thyself, as Thy Mediator and ours, through Whom
Thou soughtest us, not seeking Thee, but soughtest us, that we might
seek Thee,--Thy Word, through Whom Thou madest all things, and among
them, me also;--Thy Only-Begotten, through Whom Thou calledst to
adoption the believing people, and therein me also;--I beseech Thee by
Him, who sitteth at Thy right hand, and intercedeth with Thee for us,
in Whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. These do
I seek in Thy books. Of Him did Moses write; this saith Himself; this
saith the Truth.
I would hear and understand, how "In the Beginning Thou madest the
heaven and earth." Moses wrote this, wrote and departed, passed hence
from Thee to Thee; nor is he now before me. For if he were, I would hold
him and ask him, and beseech him by Thee to open these things unto me,
and would lay the ears of my body to the sounds bursting out of his
mouth. And should he speak Hebrew, in vain will it strike on my senses,
nor would aught of it touch my mind; but if Latin, I should know what
he said. But whence should I know, whether he spake truth? Yea, and if
I knew this also, should I know it from him? Truly within me, within, in
the chamber of my thoughts, Truth, neither Hebrew, nor Greek, nor Latin,
nor barbarian, without organs of voice or tongue, or sound of syllables,
would say, "It is truth," and I forthwith should say confidently to that
man of Thine, "thou sayest truly." Whereas then I cannot enquire of him,
Thee, Thee I beseech, O Truth, full of Whom he spake truth, Thee, my
God, I beseech, forgive my sins; and Thou, who gavest him Thy servant to
speak these things, give to me also to understand them.
Behold, the heavens and the earth are; they proclaim that they were
created; for they change and vary. Whereas whatsoever hath not been
made, and yet is, hath nothing in it, which before it had not; and
this it is, to change and vary. They proclaim also, that they made not
themselves; "therefore we are, because we have been made; we were not
therefore, before we were, so as to make ourselves." Now the evidence
of the thing, is the voice of the speakers. Thou therefore, Lord, madest
them; who art beautiful, for they are beautiful; who art good, for they
are good; who art, for they are; yet are they not beautiful nor good,
nor are they, as Thou their Creator art; compared with Whom, they are
neither beautiful, nor good, nor are. This we know, thanks be to Thee.
And our knowledge, compared with Thy knowledge, is ignorance.
But how didst Thou make the heaven and the earth? and what the engine of
Thy so mighty fabric? For it was not as a human artificer, forming one