The Decameron of Giovanni Boccaccio
companions of his, which, if (albeit it is nowise unseemly) it offer
certain expressions which you think shame to use, is natheless so
laughable that I will e'en tell it.
As you may all have heard, there come oftentimes to our city governors
from the Marches of Ancona, who are commonly mean-spirited folk and so
paltry and sordid of life that their every fashion seemeth nought
other than a lousy cadger's trick; and of this innate paltriness and
avarice, they bring with them judges and notaries, who seem men taken
from the plough-tail or the cobbler's stall rather than from the
schools of law. Now, one of these being come hither for Provost, among
the many judges whom he brought with him was one who styled himself
Messer Niccola da San Lepidio and who had more the air of a tinker
than of aught else, and he was set with other judges to hear criminal
causes. As it oft happeneth that, for all the townsfolk have nought in
the world to do at the courts of law, yet bytimes they go thither, it
befell that Maso del Saggio went thither one morning, in quest of a
friend of his, and chancing to cast his eyes whereas this said Messer
Niccola sat, himseemed that here was a rare outlandish kind of wild
fowl. Accordingly, he went on to examine him from head to foot, and
albeit he saw him with the miniver bonnet on his head all black with
smoke and grease and a paltry inkhorn at his girdle, a gown longer
than his mantle and store of other things all foreign to a man of good
breeding and manners, yet of all these the most notable, to his
thinking, was a pair of breeches, the backside whereof, as the judge
sat, with his clothes standing open in front for straitness, he
perceived came halfway down his legs. Thereupon, without tarrying
longer to look upon him, he left him with whom he went seeking and
beginning a new quest, presently found two comrades of his, called one
Ribi and the other Matteuzzo, men much of the same mad humour as
himself, and said to them, 'As you tender me, come with me to the law
courts, for I wish to show you the rarest scarecrow you ever saw.'
Accordingly, carrying them to the court house, he showed them the
aforesaid judge and his breeches, whereat they fell a-laughing, as
soon as they caught sight of him afar off; then, drawing nearer to the
platform whereon my lord judge sat, they saw that one might lightly
pass thereunder and that, moreover, the boards under his feet were so
broken that one might with great ease thrust his hand and arm between
them; whereupon quoth Maso to his comrades, 'Needs must we pull him
off those breeches of his altogether, for that it may very well be
done.' Each of the others had already seen how;[381] wherefore, having
agreed among themselves what they should say and do, they returned
thither next morning, when, the court being very full of folk,
Matteuzzo, without being seen of any, crept under the bench and posted
himself immediately beneath the judge's feet. Meanwhile, Maso came up
to my lord judge on one side and taking him by the skirt of his gown,
whilst Ribi did the like on the other side, began to say, 'My lord,
my lord, I pray you for God's sake, ere yonder scurvy thief on the
other side of you go elsewhere, make him restore me a pair of
saddle-bags whereof he hath saith indeed he did it not; but I saw him,
not a month ago, in act to have them resoled.' Ribi on his side cried
out with all his might, 'Believe him not, my lord; he is an arrant
knave, and for that he knoweth I am come to lay a complaint against
him for a pair of saddle-bags whereof he hath robbed me, he cometh now
with his story of the boothose, which I have had in my house this many
a day. An you believe me not, I can bring you to witness my next-door
neighbor Trecca and Grassa the tripewoman and one who goeth gathering
the sweepings from Santa Masia at Verjaza, who saw him when he came
back from the country.
[Footnote 381: _i.e._ how they might do this.]
Maso on the other hand suffered not Ribi to speak, but bawled his
loudest, whereupon the other but shouted the more. The judge stood up
and leaned towards them, so he might the better apprehend what they
had to say, wherefore Matteuzzo, watching his opportunity, thrust his
hand between the crack of the boards and laying hold of Messer
Niccola's galligaskins by the breech, tugged at them amain. The
breeches came down incontinent, for that the judge was lean and lank
of the crupper; whereupon, feeling this and knowing not what it might
be, he would have sat down again and pulled his skirts forward to
cover himself; but Maso on the one side and Ribi on the other still
held him fast and cried out, 'My lord, you do ill not to do me justice
and to seek to avoid hearing me and get you gone otherwhere; there be
no writs granted in this city for such small matters as this.' So
saying, they held him fast by the clothes on such wise that all who
were in the court perceived that his breeches had been pulled down.
However, Matteuzzo, after he had held them awhile, let them go and
coming forth from under the platform, made off out of the court and
went his way without being seen; whereupon quoth Ribi, himseeming he
had done enough, 'I vow to God I will appeal to the syndicate!' Whilst
Maso, on his part, let go the mantle and said, 'Nay, I will e'en come
hither again and again until such time as I find you not hindered as
you seem to be this morning.' So saying, they both made off as
quickliest they might, each on his own side, whilst my lord judge
pulled up his breeches in every one's presence, as if he were arisen
from sleep; then, perceiving how the case stood, he enquired whither
they were gone who were at difference anent the boothose and the
saddle-bags; but they were not to be found, whereupon he began to
swear by Cock's bowels that need must he know and learn if it were the
wont at Florence to pull down the judges' breeches, whenas they sat on
the judicial bench. The Provost, on his part, hearing of this, made a
great stir; but, his friends having shown him that this had only been
done to give him notice that the Florentines right well understood
how, whereas he should have brought judges, he had brought them sorry
patches, to have them better cheap, he thought it best to hold his
peace, and so the thing went no farther for the nonce."
THE SIXTH STORY
[Day the Eighth]
BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO, HAVING STOLEN A PIG FROM CALANDRINO,
MAKE HIM TRY THE ORDEAL WITH GINGER BOLUSES AND SACK AND
GIVE HIM (INSTEAD OF THE GINGER) TWO DOG-BALLS COMPOUNDED
WITH ALOES, WHEREBY IT APPEARETH THAT HE HIMSELF HATH HAD
THE PIG AND THEY MAKE HIM PAY BLACKMAIL, AN HE WOULD NOT
HAVE THEM TELL HIS WIFE
No sooner had Filostrato despatched his story, which had given rise to
many a laugh, than the queen bade Filomena follow on, whereupon she
began: "Gracious ladies, even as Filostrato was led by the mention of
Maso to tell the story which you have just heard from him, so neither
more nor less am I moved by that of Calandrino and his friends to tell
you another of them, which methinketh will please you.
Who Calandrino, Bruno and Buffalmacco were I need not explain to you,
for that you have already heard it well enough; wherefore, to proceed
with my story, I must tell you that Calandrino owned a little farm at
no great distance from Florence, that he had had to his wife's dowry.
From this farm, amongst other things that he got thence, he had every
year a pig, and it was his wont still to betake himself thither, he
and his wife, and kill the pig and have it salted on the spot. It
chanced one year that, his wife being somewhat ailing, he went himself
to kill the pig, which Bruno and Buffalmacco hearing and knowing that
his wife was not gone to the farm with him, they repaired to a priest,
very great friend of theirs and a neighbor of Calandrino, to sojourn
some days with him. Now Calandrino had that very morning killed the
pig and seeing them with the priest, called to them saying, 'You are
welcome. I would fain have you see what a good husband[382] I am.'
Then carrying them into the house, he showed them the pig, which they
seeing to be a very fine one and understanding from Calandrino that he
meant to salt it down for his family, 'Good lack,' quoth Bruno to him,
'what a ninny thou art! Sell it and let us make merry with the price,
and tell thy wife that it hath been stolen from thee.' 'Nay, answered
Calandrino, 'she would never believe it and would drive me out of the
house. Spare your pains, for I will never do it.' And many were the
words, but they availed nothing.
[Footnote 382: _i.e._ in the old sense of "manager" (_massajo_).]
Calandrino invited them to supper, but with so ill a grace that they
refused to sup there and took their leave of him; whereupon quoth
Bruno and Buffalmacco, 'What sayest thou to stealing yonder pig from
him to-night?' 'Marry,' replied the other, 'how can we do it?' Quoth
Bruno, 'I can see how well enough, an he remove it not from where it
was but now.' 'Then,' rejoined his companion, 'let us do it. Why
should we not? And after we will make merry over it with the parson
here.' The priest answered that he would well, and Bruno said, 'Here
must some little art be used. Thou knowest, Buffalmacco, how
niggardly Calandrino is and how gladly he drinketh when others pay;
let us go and carry him to the tavern, where the priest shall make
believe to pay the whole scot in our honor nor suffer him to pay
aught. Calandrino will soon grow fuddled and then we can manage it
lightly enough, for that he is alone in the house.' As he said, so
they did and Calandrino seeing that the priest suffered none to pay,
gave himself up to drinking and took in a good load, albeit it needed
no great matter to make him drunk. It was pretty late at night when
they left the tavern and Calandrino, without troubling himself about
supper, went straight home, where, thinking to have shut the door, he
left it open and betook himself to bed. Buffalmacco and Bruno went off
to sup with the priest and after supper repaired quietly to
Calandrino's house, carrying with them certain implements wherewithal
to break in whereas Bruno had appointed it; but, finding the door
open, they entered and unhooking the pig, carried it off to the
priest's house, where they laid it up and betook themselves to sleep.
On the morrow, Calandrino, having slept off the fumes of the wine,
arose in the morning and going down, missed his pig and saw the door
open; whereupon he questioned this one and that if they knew who had
taken it and getting no news of it, began to make a great outcry,
saying, 'Woe is me, miserable wretch that I am!' for that the pig had
been stolen from him. As soon as Bruno and Buffalmacco were risen,
they repaired to Calandrino's house, to hear what he would say anent
the pig, and he no sooner saw them than he called out to them, well
nigh weeping, and said, 'Woe's me, comrades mine; my pig hath been
stolen from me!' Whereupon Bruno came up to him and said softly, 'It
is a marvel that thou hast been wise for once.' 'Alack,' replied
Calandrino, 'indeed I say sooth.' 'That's the thing to say,' quoth
Bruno. 'Make a great outcry, so it may well appear that it is e'en as
thou sayst.' Therewithal Calandrino bawled out yet loudlier, saying,
'Cock's body, I tell thee it hath been stolen from me in good
earnest!' 'Good, good,' replied Bruno; 'that's the way to speak; cry
out lustily, make thyself well heard, so it may seem true.' Quoth
Calandrino, 'Thou wouldst make me give my soul to the Fiend! I tell
thee and thou believest me not. May I be strung up by the neck an it
have not been stolen from me!' 'Good lack!' cried Bruno. 'How can that
be? I saw it here but yesterday. Thinkest thou to make me believe that