The Decameron of Giovanni Boccaccio
enquired who this countess was, whereto quoth Buffalmacco, 'Good my
seed-pumpkin, she is a very great lady and there be few houses in the
world wherein she hath not some jurisdiction. To say nothing of
others, the Minor Friars themselves render her tribute, to the sound
of kettle-drums.[409] And I can assure you that, whenas she goeth
abroad, she maketh herself well felt,[410] albeit she abideth for the
most part shut up. Natheless, it is no great while since she passed by
your door, one night that she repaired to the Arno, to wash her feet
and take the air a little; but her most continual abiding-place is in
Draughthouseland.[411] There go ofttimes about store of her serjeants,
who all in token of her supremacy, bear the staff and the plummet, and
of her barons many are everywhere to be seen, such as Sirreverence of
the Gate, Goodman Turd, Hardcake,[412] Squitterbreech and others, who
methinketh are your familiars, albeit you call them not presently to
mind. In the soft arms, then, of this great lady, leaving be her of
Cacavincigli, we will, an expectation cheat us not, bestow you.'
[Footnote 408: _La Contessa di Civillari_, _i.e._ the public sewers.
Civillari, according to the commentators, was the name of an alley in
Florence, where all the ordure and filth of the neighbourhood was
deposited and stored in trenches for manure.]
[Footnote 409: _Nacchere_, syn. a loud crack of wind.]
[Footnote 410: Syn. smelt (_sentito_).]
[Footnote 411: _Laterina_, _i.e._ Latrina.]
[Footnote 412: Lit. Broom-handle (_Manico della Scopa_).]
The physician, who had been born and bred at Bologna, understood not
their canting terms and accordingly avouched himself well pleased with
the lady in question. Not long after this talk, the painters brought
him news that he was accepted to member of the company and the day
being come before the night appointed for their assembly, he had them
both to dinner. When they had dined, he asked them what means it
behoved him take to come thither; whereupon quoth Buffalmacco, 'Look
you, doctor, it behoveth you have plenty of assurance; for that, an
you be not mighty resolute, you may chance to suffer hindrance and do
us very great hurt; and in what it behoveth you to approve yourself
very stout-hearted you shall hear. You must find means to be this
evening, at the season of the first sleep, on one of the raised tombs
which have been lately made without Santa Maria Novella, with one of
your finest gowns on your back, so you may make an honourable figure
for your first appearance before the company and also because,
according to what was told us (we were not there after) the Countess
is minded, for that you are a man of gentle birth, to make you a
Knight of the Bath at her own proper costs and charges; and there you
must wait till there cometh for you he whom we shall send. And so you
may be apprised of everything, there will come for you a black horned
beast, not overbig, which will go capering about the piazza before you
and making a great whistling and bounding, to terrify you; but, when
he seeth that you are not to be daunted, he will come up to you
quietly. Then do you, without any fear, come down from the tomb and
mount the beast, naming neither God nor the Saints; and as soon as you
are settled on his back, you must cross your hands upon your breast,
in the attitude of obeisance, and touch him no more. He will then set
off softly and bring you to us; but if you call upon God or the
Saints or show fear, I must tell you that he may chance to cast you
off or strike you into some place where you are like to stink for it;
wherefore, an your heart misgive you and unless you can make sure of
being mighty resolute, come not thither, for you would but do us a
mischief, without doing yourself any good.'[413]
[Footnote 413: Lit. "do _yourself_ a mischief, without doing _us_ any
good"; but the sequel shows that the contrary is meant, as in the
text.]
Quoth the physician, 'I see you know me not yet; maybe you judge of me
by my gloves and long gown. If you knew what I did aforetimes at
Bologna anights, when I went a-wenching whiles with my comrades, you
would marvel. Cock's faith, there was such and such a night when, one
of them refusing to come with us, (more by token that she was a scurvy
little baggage, no higher than my fist,) I dealt her, to begin with,
good store of cuffs, then, taking her up bodily, I dare say I carried
her a crossbowshot and wrought so that needs must she come with us.
Another time I remember me that, without any other in my company than
a serving-man of mine, I passed yonder alongside the Cemetery of the
Minor Friars, a little after the Ave Maria, albeit there had been a
woman buried there that very day, and felt no whit of fear; wherefore
misdoubt you not of this, for I am but too stout of heart and lusty.
Moreover, I tell you that, to do you credit at my coming thither, I
will don my gown of scarlet, wherein I was admitted doctor, and we
shall see if the company rejoice not at my sight and an I be not made
captain out of hand. You shall e'en see how the thing will go, once I
am there, since, without having yet set eyes on me, this countess hath
fallen so enamoured of me that she is minded to make me a Knight of
the Bath. It may be knighthood will not sit so ill on me nor shall I
be at a loss to carry it off with worship! Marry, only leave me do.'
'You say very well,' answered Buffalmacco; 'but look you leave us not
in the lurch and not come or not be found at the trysting-place,
whenas we shall send for you; and this I say for that the weather is
cold and you gentlemen doctors are very careful of yourselves
thereanent.' 'God forbid!' cried Master Simone. 'I am none of your
chilly ones. I reck not of the cold; seldom or never, whenas I rise of
a night for my bodily occasions, as a man will bytimes, do I put me on
more than my fur gown over my doublet. Wherefore I will certainly be
there.'
Thereupon they took leave of him and whenas it began to grow towards
night, Master Simone contrived to make some excuse or other to his
wife and secretly got out his fine gown; then, whenas it seemed to him
time, he donned it and betook himself to Santa Maria Novella, where he
mounted one of the aforesaid tombs and huddling himself up on the
marble, for that the cold was great, he proceeded to wait the coming
of the beast. Meanwhile Buffalmacco, who was tall and robust of his
person, made shift to have one of those masks that were wont to be
used for certain games which are not held nowadays, and donning a
black fur pelisse, inside out, arrayed himself therein on such wise
that he seemed a very bear, save that his mask had a devil's face and
was horned. Thus accoutred, he betook himself to the new Piazza of
Santa Maria, Bruno following him to see how the thing should go. As
soon as he perceived that the physician was there, he fell a-capering
and caracoling and made a terrible great blustering about the piazza,
whistling and howling and bellowing as he were possessed of the devil.
When Master Simone, who was more fearful than a woman, heard and saw
this, every hair of his body stood on end and he fell a-trembling all
over, and it was now he had liefer been at home than there.
Nevertheless, since he was e'en there, he enforced himself to take
heart, so overcome was he with desire to see the marvels whereof the
painters had told him.
After Buffalmacco had raged about awhile, as hath been said, he made a
show of growing pacified and coming up to the tomb whereon was the
physician, stood stock-still. Master Simone, who was all a-tremble for
fear, knew not what to do, whether to mount or abide where he was.
However, at last, fearing that the beast should do him a mischief, an
he mounted him not, he did away the first fear with the second and
coming down from the tomb, mounted on his back, saying softly, 'God
aid me!' Then he settled himself as best he might and still trembling
in every limb, crossed his hands upon his breast, as it had been
enjoined him; whereupon Buffalmacco set off at an amble towards Santa
Maria della Scala and going on all fours, brought him hard by the
Nunnery of Ripole. In those days there were dykes in that quarter,
wherein the tillers of the neighbouring lands let empty the jakes, to
manure their fields withal; whereto whenas Buffalmacco came nigh, he
went up to the brink of one of them and taking the opportunity, laid
hold of one of the physician's legs and jerking him off his back,
pitched him clean in, head foremost. Then he fell a-snorting and
snarling and capering and raged about awhile; after which he made off
alongside Santa Maria della Scala till he came to Allhallows Fields.
There he found Bruno, who had taken to flight, for that he was unable
to restrain his laughter; and with him, after they had made merry
together at Master Simone's expense, he addressed himself to see from
afar what the bemoiled physician should do.
My lord leech, finding himself in that abominable place, struggled to
arise and strove as best he might to win forth thereof; and after
falling in again and again, now here and now there, and swallowing
some drachms of the filth, he at last succeeded in making his way out
of the dyke, in the woefullest of plights, bewrayed from head to foot
and leaving his bonnet behind him. Then, having wiped himself as best
he might with his hands and knowing not what other course to take, he
returned home and knocked till it was opened to him. Hardly was he
entered, stinking as he did, and the door shut again ere up came Bruno
and Buffalmacco, to hear how he should be received of his wife, and
standing hearkening, they heard the lady give him the foulest rating
was ever given poor devil, saying, 'Good lack, what a pickle thou art
in! Thou hast been gallanting it to some other woman and must needs
seek to cut a figure with thy gown of scarlet! What, was not I enough
for thee? Why, man alive, I could suffice to a whole people, let alone
thee. Would God they had choked thee, like as they cast thee whereas
thou deservedst to be thrown! Here's a fine physician for you, to have
a wife of his own and go a-gadding anights after other folk's
womankind!' And with these and many other words of the same fashion
she gave not over tormenting him till midnight, what while the
physician let wash himself from head to foot.
Next morning up came Bruno and Buffalmacco, who had painted all their
flesh under their clothes with livid blotches, such as beatings use to
make, and entering the physician's house, found him already arisen.
Accordingly they went in to him and found the whole place full of
stench, for that they had not yet been able so to clean everything
that it should not stink there. Master Simone, seeing them enter, came
to meet them and bade God give them good day; whereto the two rogues,
as they had agreed beforehand, replied with an angry air, saying,
'That say we not to you; nay, rather, we pray God give you so many ill
years that you may die a dog's death, as the most disloyal man and the
vilest traitor alive; for it was no thanks to you that, whereas we
studied to do you pleasure and worship, we were not slain like dogs.
As it is, thanks to your disloyalty, we have gotten so many buffets
this past night that an ass would go to Rome for less, without
reckoning that we have gone in danger of being expelled the company
into which we had taken order for having you received. An you believe
us not, look at our bodies and see how they have fared.' Then, opening
their clothes in front, they showed him, by an uncertain light, their
breasts all painted and covered them up again in haste.
The physician would have excused himself and told of his mishaps and
how and where he had been cast; but Buffalmacco said, 'Would he had