The Girl on the Boat · OmniClassics

The Girl on the Boat BY P. G. WODEHOUSE HERBERT JENKINS LIMITED 3 YORK STREET LONDON S.W.1 A HERBERT JENKINS BOOK _Tenth printing, completing 95,781 copies_ Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and London WHAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT It was Sam Marlowe’s fate to fall in love with a girl on the R.M.S. “Atlantic” (New York to Southampton) who had ideals. She was looking for a man just like Sir Galahad, and refused to be put off with any inferior substitute. A lucky accident on the first day of the voyage placed Sam for the moment in the Galahad class, but he could not stay the pace. He follows Billie Bennett “around,” scheming, blundering and hoping, so does the parrot faced young man Bream Mortimer, Sam’s rival. There is a somewhat hectic series of events at Windles, a country house in Hampshire, where Billie’s ideals still block the way and Sam comes on in spite of everything. Then comes the moment when Billie.... It is a Wodehouse novel in every sense of the term. ONE MOMENT! Before my friend Mr. Jenkins—wait a minute, Herbert—before my friend Mr. Jenkins formally throws this book open to the public, I should like to say a few words. You, sir, and you, and you at the back, if you will kindly restrain your impatience.... There is no need to jostle. There will be copies for all. Thank you. I shall not detain you long. I wish to clear myself of a possible charge of plagiarism. You smile. Ah! but you don’t know. You don’t realise how careful even a splendid fellow like myself has to be. You wouldn’t have me go down to posterity as Pelham the Pincher, would you? No! Very well, then. By the time this volume is in the hands of the customers, everybody will, of course, have read Mr. J. Storer Clouston’s “The Lunatic at Large Again.” (Those who are chumps enough to miss it deserve no consideration.) Well, both the hero of “The Lunatic” and my “Sam Marlowe” try to get out of a tight corner by hiding in a suit of armour in the hall of a country-house. Looks fishy, yes? And yet I call on Heaven to witness that I am innocent, innocent. And, if the word of Northumberland Avenue Wodehouse is not sufficient, let me point out that this story and Mr. Clouston’s appeared simultaneously in serial form in their respective magazines. This proves, I think, that at these cross-roads, at any rate, there has been no dirty work. All right, Herb., you can let ’em in now. P. G. WODEHOUSE. Constitutional Club, Northumberland Avenue. Contents WHAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT ONE MOMENT! I. A DISTURBING MORNING II. GALLANT RESCUE BY WELL-DRESSED YOUNG MAN III. SAM PAVES THE WAY IV. SAM CLICKS V. PERSECUTION OF EUSTACE VI. SCENE AT A SHIP’S CONCERT VII. SUNDERED HEARTS VIII. SIR MALLABY OFFERS A SUGGESTION IX. ROUGH WORK AT A DINNER TABLE X. TROUBLE AT WINDLES XI. MR. BENNETT HAS A BAD NIGHT XII. THE LURID PAST OF JOHN PETERS XIII. SHOCKS ALL ROUND XIV. STRONG REMARKS BY A FATHER XV. DRAMA AT A COUNTRY HOUSE XVI. WEBSTER, FRIEND IN NEED XVII. A CROWDED NIGHT The Girl on the Boat CHAPTER I. A DISTURBING MORNING Through the curtained windows of the furnished flat which Mrs. Horace Hignett had rented for her stay in New York, rays of golden sunlight peeped in like the foremost spies of some advancing army. It was a fine summer morning. The hands of the Dutch clock in the hall pointed to thirteen minutes past nine; those of the ormolu clock in the sitting-room to eleven minutes past ten; those of the carriage clock on the bookshelf to fourteen minutes to six. In other words, it was exactly eight; and Mrs. Hignett acknowledged the fact by moving her head on the pillow, opening her eyes, and sitting up in bed. She always woke at eight precisely. Was this Mrs. Hignett _the_ Mrs. Hignett, the world-famous writer on Theosophy, the author of “The Spreading Light,” “What of the Morrow,” and all the rest of that well-known series? I’m glad you asked me. Yes, she was. She had come over to America on a lecturing tour. About this time there was a good deal of suffering in the United States, for nearly every boat that arrived from England was bringing a fresh swarm of British lecturers to the country. Novelists, poets, scientists, philosophers, and plain, ordinary bores; some herd instinct seemed to affect them all simultaneously. It was like one of those great race movements of the Middle Ages. Men and women of widely differing views on religion, art, politics, and almost every other subject; on this one point the intellectuals of Great Britain were single-minded, that there was easy money to be picked up on the lecture-platforms of America, and that they might just as well grab it as the next person. Mrs. Hignett had come over with the first batch of immigrants; for, spiritual as her writings were, there was a solid streak of business sense in this woman, and she meant to get hers while the getting was good. She was half way across the Atlantic with a complete itinerary booked, before ninety per cent. of the poets and philosophers had finished sorting out their clean collars and getting their photographs taken for the passport. She had not left England without a pang, for departure had involved sacrifices. More than anything else in the world she loved her charming home, Windles, in the county of Hampshire, for so many years the seat of the Hignett family. Windles was as the breath of life to her. Its shady walks, its silver lake, its noble elms, the old grey stone of its walls—these were bound up with her very being. She felt that she belonged to Windles, and Windles to her. Unfortunately, as a matter of cold, legal accuracy, it did not. She did but hold it in trust for her son, Eustace, until such time as he should marry and take possession of it himself. There were times when the thought of Eustace marrying and bringing a strange woman to Windles chilled Mrs. Hignett to her very marrow. Happily, her firm policy of keeping her son permanently under her eye at home and never permitting him to have speech with a female below the age of fifty, had averted the peril up till now. Eustace had accompanied his mother to America. It was his faint snores which she could hear in the adjoining room as, having bathed and dressed, she went down the hall to where breakfast awaited her. She smiled tolerantly. She had never desired to convert her son to her own early-rising habits, for, apart from not allowing him to call his soul his own, she was an indulgent mother. Eustace would get up at half-past nine, long after she had finished breakfast, read her correspondence, and started her duties for the day. Breakfast was on the table in the sitting-room, a modest meal of rolls, porridge, and imitation coffee. Beside the pot containing this hell-brew, was a little pile of letters. Mrs. Hignett opened them as she ate. The majority were from disciples and dealt with matters of purely theosophical interest. There was an invitation from the Butterfly Club, asking her to be the guest of honour at their weekly dinner. There was a letter from her brother Mallaby—Sir Mallaby Marlowe, the eminent London lawyer—saying that his son Sam, of whom she had never approved, would be in New York shortly, passing through on his way back to England, and hoping that she would see something of him. Altogether a dull mail. Mrs. Hignett skimmed through it without interest, setting aside one or two of the letters for Eustace, who acted as her unpaid secretary, to answer later in the day. She had just risen from the table, when there was a sound of voices in the hall, and presently the domestic staff, a gaunt Irish lady of advanced years, entered the room. “Ma’am, there was a gentleman.” Mrs. Hignett was annoyed. Her mornings were sacred. “Didn’t you tell him I was not to be disturbed?” “I did not. I loosed him into the parlour.” The staff remained for a moment in melancholy silence, then resumed. “He says he’s your nephew. His name’s Marlowe.” Mrs. Hignett experienced no diminution of her annoyance. She had not seen her nephew Sam for ten years, and would have been willing to extend the period. She remembered him as an untidy small boy who once or twice, during his school holidays, had disturbed the cloistral peace of Windles with his beastly presence. However, blood being thicker than water, and all that sort of thing, she supposed she would have to give him five minutes. She went into the sitting-room, and found there a young man who looked more or less like all other young men, though perhaps rather fitter than most. He had grown a good deal since she had last met him, as men so often do between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five, and was now about six feet in height, about forty inches round the chest, and in weight about thirteen stone. He had a brown and amiable face, marred at the moment by an expression of discomfort somewhat akin to that of a cat in a strange alley. “Hullo, Aunt Adeline!” he said awkwardly. “Well, Samuel!” said Mrs. Hignett. There was a pause. Mrs. Hignett, who was not fond of young men and disliked having her mornings broken into, was thinking that he had not improved in the slightest degree since their last meeting; and Sam, who imagined that he had long since grown to man’s estate and put off childish things, was embarrassed to discover that his aunt still affected him as of old. That is to say, she made him feel as if he had omitted to shave and, in addition to that, had swallowed some drug which had caused him to swell unpleasantly, particularly about the hands and feet. “Jolly morning,” said Sam, perseveringly. “So I imagine. I have not yet been out.” “Thought I’d look in and see how you were.” “That was very kind of you. The morning is my busy time, but ... yes, that was very kind of you!” There was another pause. “How do you like America?” said Sam. “I dislike it exceedingly.” “Yes? Well, of course, some people do. Prohibition and all that. Personally, it doesn’t affect me. I can take it or leave it alone. I like America myself,” said Sam. “I’ve had a wonderful time. Everybody’s treated me like a rich uncle. I’ve been in Detroit, you know, and they practically gave me the city and asked me if I’d like another to take home in my pocket. Never saw anything like it. I might have been the missing heir! I think America’s the greatest invention on record.” “And what brought you to America?” said Mrs. Hignett, unmoved by this rhapsody. “Oh, I came over to play golf. In a tournament, you know.” “Surely at your age,” said Mrs. Hignett, disapprovingly, “you could be better occupied. Do you spend your whole time playing golf?” “Oh, no! I play cricket a bit and shoot a bit and I swim a good lot and I still play football occasionally.” “I wonder your father does not insist on your doing some useful work.” “He is beginning to harp on the subject rather. I suppose I shall take a stab at it sooner or later. Father says I ought to get married, too.” “He is perfectly right.” “I suppose old Eustace will be getting hitched up one of these days?” said Sam. Mrs. Hignett started violently. “Why do you say that?” “Eh?” “What makes you say that?” “Oh, well, he’s a romantic sort of fellow. Writes poetry, and all that.” “There is no likelihood at all of Eustace marrying. He is of a shy and retiring temperament, and sees few women. He is almost a recluse.” Sam was aware of this, and had frequently regretted it. He had always been fond of his cousin in that half-amused and rather patronising way in which men of thews and sinews are fond of the weaker brethren who run more to pallor and intellect; and he had always felt that if