The Interesting Narrative of the Life of Olaudah Equiano, Or Gustavus Vassa, The African
to me. I appealed to the Searcher of hearts, whether I did not wish to
love him more, and serve him better. Notwithstanding all this, the
reader may easily discern, if he is a believer, that I was still in
nature's darkness. At length I hated the house in which I lodged,
because God's most holy name was blasphemed in it; then I saw the word
of God verified, viz. 'Before they call, I will answer; and while they
are yet speaking, I will hear.'
I had a great desire to read the bible the whole day at home; but not
having a convenient place for retirement, I left the house in the day,
rather than stay amongst the wicked ones; and that day as I was
walking, it pleased God to direct me to a house where there was an old
sea-faring man, who experienced much of the love of God shed abroad in
his heart. He began to discourse with me; and, as I desired to love
the Lord, his conversation rejoiced me greatly; and indeed I had never
heard before the love of Christ to believers set forth in such a
manner, and in so clear a point of view. Here I had more questions to
put to the man than his time would permit him to answer; and in that
memorable hour there came in a dissenting minister; he joined our
discourse, and asked me some few questions; among others, where I
heard the gospel preached. I knew not what he meant by hearing the
gospel; I told him I had read the gospel: and he asked where I went to
church, or whether I went at all or not. To which I replied, 'I
attended St. James's, St. Martin's, and St. Ann's, Soho;'--'So,' said
he, 'you are a churchman.' I answered, I was. He then invited me to a
love-feast at his chapel that evening. I accepted the offer, and
thanked him; and soon after he went away, I had some further discourse
with the old Christian, added to some profitable reading, which made
me exceedingly happy. When I left him he reminded me of coming to the
feast; I assured him I would be there. Thus we parted, and I weighed
over the heavenly conversation that had passed between these two men,
which cheered my then heavy and drooping spirit more than any thing I
had met with for many months. However, I thought the time long in
going to my supposed banquet. I also wished much for the company of
these friendly men; their company pleased me much; and I thought the
gentlemen very kind, in asking me, a stranger, to a feast; but how
singular did it appear to me, to have it in a chapel! When the
wished-for hour came I went, and happily the old man was there, who
kindly seated me, as he belonged to the place. I was much astonished
to see the place filled with people, and no signs of eating and
drinking. There were many ministers in the company. At last they began
by giving out hymns, and between the singing the minister engaged in
prayer; in short, I knew not what to make of this sight, having never
seen any thing of the kind in my life before now. Some of the guests
began to speak their experience, agreeable to what I read in the
Scriptures; much was said by every speaker of the providence of God,
and his unspeakable mercies, to each of them. This I knew in a great
measure, and could most heartily join them. But when they spoke of a
future state, they seemed to be altogether certain of their calling
and election of God; and that no one could ever separate them from the
love of Christ, or pluck them out of his hands. This filled me with
utter consternation, intermingled with admiration. I was so amazed as
not to know what to think of the company; my heart was attracted and
my affections were enlarged. I wished to be as happy as them, and was
persuaded in my mind that they were different from the world 'that
lieth in wickedness,' 1 John v. 19. Their language and singing, &c.
did well harmonize; I was entirely overcome, and wished to live and
die thus. Lastly, some persons in the place produced some neat baskets
full of buns, which they distributed about; and each person
communicated with his neighbour, and sipped water out of different
mugs, which they handed about to all who were present. This kind of
Christian fellowship I had never seen, nor ever thought of seeing on
earth; it fully reminded me of what I had read in the holy scriptures,
of the primitive Christians, who loved each other and broke bread. In
partaking of it, even from house to house, this entertainment (which
lasted about four hours) ended in singing and prayer. It was the first
soul feast I ever was present at. This last twenty-four hours produced
me things, spiritual and temporal, sleeping and waking, judgment and
mercy, that I could not but admire the goodness of God, in directing
the blind, blasphemous sinner in the path that he knew not of, even
among the just; and instead of judgment he has shewed mercy, and will
hear and answer the prayers and supplications of every returning
prodigal:
O! to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrain'd to be!
After this I was resolved to win Heaven if possible; and if I perished
I thought it should be at the feet of Jesus, in praying to him for
salvation. After having been an eye-witness to some of the happiness
which attended those who feared God, I knew not how, with any
propriety, to return to my lodgings, where the name of God was
continually profaned, at which I felt the greatest horror. I paused in
my mind for some time, not knowing what to do; whether to hire a bed
elsewhere, or go home again. At last, fearing an evil report might
arise, I went home, with a farewell to card-playing and vain jesting,
&c. I saw that time was very short, eternity long, and very near, and
I viewed those persons alone blessed who were found ready at midnight
call, or when the Judge of all, both quick and dead, cometh.
The next day I took courage, and went to Holborn, to see my new and
worthy acquaintance, the old man, Mr. C----; he, with his wife, a
gracious woman, were at work at silk weaving; they seemed mutually
happy, and both quite glad to see me, and I more so to see them. I sat
down, and we conversed much about soul matters, &c. Their discourse
was amazingly delightful, edifying, and pleasant. I knew not at last
how to leave this agreeable pair, till time summoned me away. As I
was going they lent me a little book, entitled "The Conversion of an
Indian." It was in questions and answers. The poor man came over the
sea to London, to inquire after the Christian's God, who, (through
rich mercy) he found, and had not his journey in vain. The above book
was of great use to me, and at that time was a means of strengthening
my faith; however, in parting, they both invited me to call on them
when I pleased. This delighted me, and I took care to make all the
improvement from it I could; and so far I thanked God for such company
and desires. I prayed that the many evils I felt within might be done
away, and that I might be weaned from my former carnal acquaintances.
This was quickly heard and answered, and I was soon connected with
those whom the scripture calls the excellent of the earth. I heard the
gospel preached, and the thoughts of my heart and actions were laid
open by the preachers, and the way of salvation by Christ alone was
evidently set forth. Thus I went on happily for near two months; and I
once heard, during this period, a reverend gentleman speak of a man
who had departed this life in full assurance of his going to glory. I
was much astonished at the assertion; and did very deliberately
inquire how he could get at this knowledge. I was answered fully,
agreeable to what I read in the oracles of truth; and was told also,
that if I did not experience the new birth, and the pardon of my sins,
through the blood of Christ, before I died, I could not enter the
kingdom of heaven. I knew not what to think of this report, as I
thought I kept eight commandments out of ten; then my worthy
interpreter told me I did not do it, nor could I; and he added, that
no man ever did or could keep the commandments, without offending in
one point. I thought this sounded very strange, and puzzled me much
for many weeks; for I thought it a hard saying. I then asked my
friend, Mr. L----d, who was a clerk in a chapel, why the commandments
of God were given, if we could not be saved by them? To which he
replied, 'The law is a schoolmaster to bring us to Christ,' who alone
could and did keep the commandments, and fulfilled all their
requirements for his elect people, even those to whom he had given a
living faith, and the sins of those chosen vessels _were already_
atoned for and forgiven them whilst living; and if I did not
experience the same before my exit, the Lord would say at that great
day to me 'Go ye cursed,' &c. &c. for God would appear faithful in his
judgments to the wicked, as he would be faithful in shewing mercy to
those who were ordained to it before the world was; therefore Christ
Jesus seemed to be all in all to that man's soul. I was much wounded
at this discourse, and brought into such a dilemma as I never
expected. I asked him, if _he_ was to die that moment, whether he was
sure to enter the kingdom of God? and added, 'Do you _know_ that your
sins are forgiven you?' He answered in the affirmative. Then
confusion, anger, and discontent seized me, and I staggered much at
this sort of doctrine; it brought me to a stand, not knowing which to
believe, whether salvation by works or by faith only in Christ. I
requested him to tell me how I might know when my sins were forgiven
me. He assured me he could not, and that none but God alone could do
this. I told him it was very mysterious; but he said it was really
matter of fact, and quoted many portions of scripture immediately to
the point, to which I could make no reply. He then desired me to pray
to God to shew me these things. I answered, that I prayed to God every
day. He said, 'I perceive you are a churchman.' I answered I was. He
then entreated me to beg of God to shew me what I was, and the true
state of my soul. I thought the prayer very short and odd; so we
parted for that time. I weighed all these things well over, and could
not help thinking how it was possible for a man to know that his sins
were forgiven him in this life. I wished that God would reveal this
self same thing unto me. In a short time after this I went to
Westminster chapel; the Rev. Mr. P---- preached, from Lam. iii. 39. It
was a wonderful sermon; he clearly shewed that a living man had no
cause to complain for the punishment of his sins; he evidently
justified the Lord in all his dealings with the sons of men; he also
shewed the justice of God in the eternal punishment of the wicked and
impenitent. The discourse seemed to me like a two-edged sword cutting
all ways; it afforded me much joy, intermingled with many fears, about
my soul; and when it was ended, he gave it out that he intended, the
ensuing week, to examine all those who meant to attend the Lord's
table. Now I thought much of my good works, and at the same time was
doubtful of my being a proper object to receive the sacrament; I was
full of meditation till the day of examining. However, I went to the
chapel, and, though much distressed, I addressed the reverend
gentleman, thinking, if I was not right, he would endeavour to
convince me of it. When I conversed with him, the first thing he asked
me was, what I knew of Christ? I told him I believed in him, and had
been baptized in his name. 'Then,' said he, 'when were you brought to
the knowledge of God? and how were you convinced of sin?' I knew not
what he meant by these questions; I told him I kept eight commandments
out of ten; but that I sometimes swore on board ship, and sometimes
when on shore, and broke the sabbath. He then asked me if I could
read? I answered, 'Yes.'--'Then,' said he, 'do you not read in the