The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman
thy heart condemns thee not, which is the case the apostle
supposes,——the rule will be infallible;”—[Here Dr. _Slop_ fell
asleep]—“_thou wilt have confidence towards God_;——that is, have just
grounds to believe the judgment thou hast past upon thyself, is the
judgment of God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous
sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being, to
whom thou art finally to give an account of thy actions.
“_Blessed is the man_, indeed, then, as the author of the book of
_Ecclesiasticus_ expresses it, _who is not pricked with the multitude
of his sins: Blessed is the man_ “_whose heart hath not condemned him;
whether he be rich, or whether he be poor, if he have a good heart_ (a
heart thus guided and informed) _he shall at all times rejoice in a
chearful countenance; his mind shall tell him more than seven watch-men
that sit above upon a tower on high.”_—[A tower has no strength, quoth
my uncle _Toby_, unless ’tis flank’d.]—“in the darkest doubts it shall
conduct him safer than a thousand casuists, and give the state he lives
in, a better security for his behaviour than all the causes and
restrictions put together, which law-makers are forced to
multiply:—_Forced_, I say, as things stand; human laws not being a
matter of original choice, but of pure necessity, brought in to fence
against the mischievous effects of those consciences which are no law
unto themselves; well intending, by the many provisions made,—that in
all such corrupt and misguided cases, where principles and the checks
of conscience will not make us upright,—to supply their “force, and, by
the terrors of gaols and halters, oblige us to it.”
[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to
be preached at the Temple,——or at some Assize.—I like the
reasoning,—and am sorry that Dr. _Slop_ has fallen asleep before the
time of his conviction:—for it is now clear, that the Parson, as I
thought at first, never insulted St. _Paul_ in the least;—nor has there
been, brother, the least difference between them.——A great matter, if
they had differed, replied my uncle _Toby_,—the best friends in the
world may differ sometimes.——True,—brother _Toby_ quoth my father,
shaking hands with him,—we’ll fill our pipes, brother, and then _Trim_
shall go on.
Well,——what dost thou think of it? said my father, speaking to Corporal
_Trim_, as he reached his tobacco-box.
I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watch-men upon the
tower, who, I suppose, are all centinels there,—are more, an’ please
your Honour, than were necessary;—and, to go on at that rate, would
harrass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves
his men, will never do, if he can help it, because two centinels, added
the Corporal, are as good as twenty.—I have been a commanding officer
myself in the _Corps de Garde_ a hundred times, continued _Trim_,
rising an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke,—and all the time I
had the honour to serve his Majesty King _William_, in relieving the
most considerable posts, I never left more than two in my life.——Very
right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_,—but you do not consider, _Trim_,
that the towers, in _Solomon_’s days, were not such things as our
bastions, flanked and defended by other works;—this, _Trim_, was an
invention since _Solomon_’s death; nor had they horn-works, or ravelins
before the curtin, in his time;——or such a fossé as we make with a
cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and counterscarps
pallisadoed along it, to guard against a _Coup de main_:—So that the
seven men upon the tower were a party, I dare say, from the _Corps de
Garde_, set there, not only to look out, but to defend it.—They could
be no more, an’ please your Honour, than a Corporal’s Guard.—My father
smiled inwardly, but not outwardly—the subject being rather too
serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest of.—So putting
his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted,—he contented
himself with ordering _Trim_ to read on. He read on as follows:
“To have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings
with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right
and wrong:——The first of these will comprehend the duties of
religion;—the second, those of morality, which are so inseparably
connected together, that you cannot divide these two _tables_, even in
imagination, (tho’ the attempt is often made in practice) without
breaking and mutually destroying them both.
“I said the attempt is often made; and so it is;——there being nothing
“more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and
indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as
the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral
character,——or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous
to the uttermost mite.
“When there is some appearance that it is so,—tho’ one is unwilling
even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty,
yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am
persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of
his motive.
“Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will
be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest,
his pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will
give us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great
distress.
“I will illustrate this by an example.
“I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call
in,”—[There is no need, cried Dr. _Slop_, (waking) to call in any
physician in this case]—“to be neither of them men of much religion: I
hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with
so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt. Well;—notwithstanding
this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one:—and what is dearer
still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.
“Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why,
in the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of
them will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage;—I
consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life:—I know their
success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters.—In
a word, I’m persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting
themselves more.
“But put it otherwise, namely, “that interest lay, for once, on the
other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain
to his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the
world;—or that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate
by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art:—In this case,
what hold have I of either of them?—Religion, the strongest of all
motives, is out of the question;—Interest, the next most powerful
motive in the world, is strongly against me:——What have I left to cast
into the opposite scale to balance this temptation?——Alas! I have
nothing,——nothing but what is lighter than a bubble——I must lie at the
mercy of HONOUR, or some such capricious principle—Strait security for
two of the most valuable blessings!—my property and myself.
“As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without
religion;—so, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be expected
from “religion without morality; nevertheless, ’tis no prodigy to see a
man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the
highest notion of himself in the light of a religious man.
“He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable,—but even
wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud
against the infidelity of the age,——is zealous for some points of
religion,——goes twice a day to church,—attends the sacraments,—and
amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion,—shall cheat
his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man,
and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find that such a
man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with
spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of
piety,—though, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.
“_This likewise is a sore evil under the sun_; and I believe, there
is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more
serious mischiefs.——For a general proof of this,—examine the history of
the _Romish_ church;”—[Well what can you make of that? cried Dr.
_Slop_]—“see what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,”——[They
may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr. _Slop_]——have all been
sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.
“In how many kingdoms of the world”—[Here _Trim_ kept waving his
right-hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it
backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.]
“In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this
misguided saint-errant, spared neither age or merit, or sex, or
condition?—and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set
him loose from justice and humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly
trampled upon both,—“heard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor
pitied their distresses.”
[I have been in many a battle, an’ please your Honour, quoth _Trim_,
sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this,—I would not have
drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls,——to have been made a
general officer.——Why? what do you understand of the affair? said Dr.
_Slop_, looking towards _Trim_, with something more of contempt than
the Corporal’s honest heart deserved.——What do you know, friend, about
this battle you talk of?—I know, replied _Trim_, that I never refused
quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it;——but to a woman or
a child, continued _Trim_, before I would level my musket at them, I
would lose my life a thousand times.——Here’s a crown for thee, _Trim_,
to drink with _Obadiah_ to-night, quoth my uncle _Toby_, and I’ll give
_Obadiah_ another too.—God bless your Honour, replied _Trim_,——I had
rather these poor women and children had it.——thou art an honest
fellow, quoth my uncle _Toby._——My father nodded his head, as much as
to say—and so he is.——
But prithee, _Trim_, said my father, make an end,—for I see thou hast
but a leaf or two left.
Corporal _Trim_ read on.]
“If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not
sufficient,—consider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion
are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions
which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves.
“To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of
the Inquisition.”—[God help my poor brother _Tom._]—“Behold _Religion_,
with _Mercy_ and _Justice_ chained down under her feet,——there sitting
ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of
torment. Hark!—hark! what a piteous groan!”—[Here _Trim_’s face turned
as pale as ashes.]——“See the melancholy wretch who uttered it”—[Here
the tears began to trickle down]——“just brought forth to undergo the
anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied
system of cruelty has been able to invent.”—[D—n them all, quoth
_Trim_, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.]—“Behold
this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,—his body so wasted
with sorrow and confinement.”—[Oh! ’tis my brother, cried poor _Trim_
in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground,
and clapping his hands together—I fear ’tis poor _Tom._ My father’s and
my uncle _Toby_’s heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellow’s
distress; even _Slop_ himself acknowledged pity for him.——Why, _Trim_,