The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

armies, curse him.” [Our armies swore terribly in _Flanders_, cried my uncle _Toby_,——but nothing to this.——For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.] “May St. John, the Præcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ’s apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him’ (_Obadiah_.) “May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him——May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him— “May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him,” (_Obadiah_) “or her,” (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots.) “May he (_Obadiah_) be damn’d wherever he be——whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.——May he be cursed in living, in dying.” [Here my uncle _Toby_, taking the advantage of a _minim_ in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.——Dr. _Slop_, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] “May he be cursed in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting! “May he” (_Obadiah_) “be cursed in all the faculties of his body! “May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!——May he be cursed in the hair of his head!——May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,” (that is a sad curse, quoth my father) “in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers! “May he be damn’d in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach! “May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,” (God in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle _Toby_) “in his thighs, in his genitals,” (my father shook his head) “and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe- nails! “May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him! “May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty”——(Here my uncle _Toby_, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew—w—w———something betwixt the interjectional whistle of _Hay-day!_ and the word itself.—— ——By the golden beard of _Jupiter_—and of _Juno_ (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick—to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)——all which beards, as _Varro_ tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;——every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by—by all these beards together then——I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever _Cid Hamet_ offered his——to have stood by, and heard my uncle _Toby_’s accompanyment. ——“curse him!”—continued Dr. _Slop_,—“and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him” (_Obadiah_) “unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,—so be it. Amen.” I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.—He is the father of curses, replied Dr. _Slop_.——So am not I, replied my uncle.——But he is cursed, and damn’d already, to all eternity, replied Dr. _Slop_. I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle _Toby_. Dr. _Slop_ drew up his mouth, and wasjust beginning to return my uncle _Toby_ the compliment of his Whu—u—u—or interjectional whistle——when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one——put an end to the affair. C H A P. V NOW don’t let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to swear them,——imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too. I’ll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:——though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing,——as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, &c. &c. the whole set of ’em are so hung round and _befetish’d_ with the bobs and trinkets of criticism,——or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a pity——for I have fetch’d it as far as from the coast of _Guiney_;—their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be prick’d and tortured to death by ’em. —And how did _Garrick_ speak the soliloquy last night?—Oh, against all rule, my lord,—most ungrammatically! betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together in _number, case_, and _gender_, he made a breach thus,—stopping, as if the point wanted settling;—and betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and three fifths by a stop watch, my lord, each time.—Admirable grammarian!——But in suspending his voice——was the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm?——Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?——I look’d only at the stop-watch, my lord.—Excellent observer! And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?——Oh! ’tis out of all plumb, my lord,——quite an irregular thing!—not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle.—I had my rule and compasses, &c. my lord, in my pocket.—Excellent critick! ——And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look at——upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of _Bossu_’s——’tis out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions.—Admirable connoisseur! ——And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back?—’Tis a melancholy daub! my lord; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group!——and what a price!——for there is nothing of the colouring of _Titian_—the expression of _Rubens_—the grace of _Raphael_—the purity of _Dominichino_—the _corregiescity_ of _Corregio_—the learning of _Poussin_—the airs of _Guido_—the taste of the _Carrachis_—or the grand contour of _Angelo._—Grant me patience, just Heaven!—Of all the cants which are canted in this canting world—though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst——the cant of criticism is the most tormenting! I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his author’s hands——be pleased he knows not why, and cares not wherefore. Great _Apollo!_ if thou art in a giving humour—give me—I ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire along with it——and send _Mercury_, with the _rules and compasses_, if he can be spared, with my compliments to—no matter. Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last past as originals——except _St. Paul’s thumb_——_God’s flesh and God’s fish_, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kings oaths, ’tis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh;—else I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of _Ernulphus_ a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!—it is thought to be no bad oath——and by itself passes very well—“_G—d damn you._”—Set it beside _Ernulphus_’s——“God almighty the Father damn you—God the Son damn you—God the Holy Ghost damn you”—you see ’tis nothing.—There is an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his invention—possess’d more of the excellencies of a swearer——had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulations,—that when _Ernulphus_ cursed—no part escaped him.—’Tis true there is something of a _hardness_ in his manner——and, as in _Michael Angelo_, a want of grace——but then there is such a greatness of _gusto!_ My father, who generally look’d upon every thing in a light very different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an original.——He considered rather _Ernulphus_’s anathema, as an institute of swearing, in which, as he suspected, upon the decline of _swearing_ in some milder pontificate, _Ernulphus_, by order of the succeeding pope, had with great learning and diligence collected together all the laws of it;—for the same reason that _Justinian_, in the decline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor _Tribonian_ to collect the _Roman_ or civil laws all together into one code or digest——lest, through the rust of time——and the fatality of all things committed to oral tradition—they should be lost to the world for ever. For this reason my father would oft-times affirm, there was not an oath from the great and tremendous oath of _William_ the conqueror (_By the splendour of God_) down to the lowest oath of a scavenger (_Damn your eyes_) which was not to be found in _Ernulphus._—In short, he would add—I defy a man to swear _out_ of it. The hypothesis is, like most of my father’s, singular and ingenious too;——nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns my own. C H A P. VI ——BLESS my soul!—my poor mistress is ready to faint——and her pains are gone—and the drops are done—and the bottle of julap is broke——and the nurse has cut her arm—(and I, my thumb, cried Dr. _Slop_,) and the child is where it was, continued _Susannah_,—and the midwife has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, and bruised her hip as black as your hat.—I’ll look at it, quoth Dr _Slop_.—There is no need of that, replied _Susannah_,—you had better look at my mistress—but the midwife would gladly first give you an account how things are, so desires you would go up stairs and speak to her this moment. Human nature is the same in all professions. The midwife had just before been put over Dr. _Slop_’s head—He had not digested it.—No, replied Dr. _Slop_, ’twould be full as proper if the midwife came down to me.—I like subordination, quoth my uncle _Toby_,—and but for it, after the reduction of _Lisle_, I know not what might have become of the garrison of _Ghent_, in the mutiny for bread, in the year Ten.—Nor, replied Dr. _Slop_, (parodying my uncle _Toby_’s hobby-horsical reflection; though full as hobby-horsical himself)——do I know, Captain _Shandy_, what might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and confusion I find all things are in at