The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

’Tis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when _Diego_ was in _Spain_, it was not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the _Frankfort_ road; it is enough to say, that of all restless desires, curiosity being the strongest——the _Strasburgers_ felt the full force of it; and that for three days and nights they were tossed to and fro in the _Frankfort_ road, with the tempestuous fury of this passion, before they could submit to return home.——When alas! an event was prepared for them, of all other, the most grievous that could befal a free people. As this revolution of the _Strasburgers_ affairs is often spoken of, and little understood, I will, in ten words, says _Slawkenbergius_, give the world an explanation of it, and with it put an end to my tale. Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by order of Mons. _Colbert_, and put in manuscript into the hands of _Lewis_ the fourteenth, in the year 1664. ’Tis as well known, that one branch out of many of that system, was the getting possession of _Strasburg_, to favour an entrance at all times into _Suabia_, in order to disturb the quiet of _Germany_——and that in consequence of this plan, _Strasburg_ unhappily fell at length into their hands. It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and such like revolutions—The vulgar look too high for them—Statesmen look too low——Truth (for once) lies in the middle. What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries one historian—The _Strasburgers_ deemed it a diminution of their freedom to receive an imperial garrison——so fell a prey to a _French_ one. The fate, says another, of the _Strasburgers_, may be a warning to all free people to save their money.——They anticipated their revenues——brought themselves under taxes, exhausted their strength, and in the end became so weak a people, they had not strength to keep their gates shut, and so the _French_ pushed them open. Alas! alas! cries _Slawkenbergius_, ’twas not the _French_,——’twas CURIOSITY pushed them open——The _French_ indeed, who are ever upon the catch, when they saw the _Strasburgers_, men, women and children, all marched out to follow the stranger’s nose——each man followed his own, and marched in. Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever since—but not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned; for it is owing to this only, that Noses have ever so run in their heads, that the _Strasburgers_ could not follow their business. Alas! alas! cries _Slawkenbergius_, making an exclamation—it is not the first——and I fear will not be the last fortress that has been either won——or lost by NOSES. The E N D of _Slawkenbergius_’s TALE. [8] As _Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis_ is extremely scarce, it may not be unacceptable to the learned reader to see the specimen of a few pages of his original; I will make no reflection upon it, but that his story-telling Latin is much more concise than his philosophic—and, I think, has more of Latinity in it. [9] _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ means the Benedictine nuns of _Cluny_, founded in the year 940, by _Odo_, abbé de _Cluny._ [10] Mr. _Shandy_’s compliments to orators——is very sensible that _Slawkenbergius_ has here changed his metaphor——which he is very guilty of:——that as a translator, Mr. _Shandy_ has all along done what he could to make him stick to it—but that here ’twas impossible. [11] Nonnulli ex nostratibus eadem loquendi formulâ utun. Quinimo & Logistæ & Canonistæ——Vid. Parce Barne Jas in d. L. Provincial. Constitut. de conjec. vid. Vol. Lib. 4. Titul. I. n. 7 quâ etiam in re conspir. Om de Promontorio Nas. Tichmak. ff. d. tit. 3. fol. 189. passim. Vid. Glos. de contrahend. empt. &c. necnon J. Scrudr. in cap. § refut. per totum. Cum his cons. Rever. J. Tubal, Sentent. & Prov. cap. 9. ff. 11, 12. obiter. V. & Librum, cui Tit. de Terris & Phras. Belg. ad finem, cum comment. N. Bardy Belg. Vid. Scrip. Argentotarens. de Antiq. Ecc. in Episc Archiv. fid coll. per Von Jacobum Koinshoven Folio Argent. 1583. præcip. ad finem. Quibus add. Rebuff in L. obvenire de Signif. Nom. ff. fol. & de jure Gent. & Civil. de protib. aliena feud. per federa, test. Joha. Luxius in prolegom. quem velim videas, de Analy. Cap. 1, 2, 3. Vid. Idea. [12] Haec mira, satisque horrenda. Planetarum coitio sub Scorpio Asterismo in nona cœli statione, quam Arabes religioni deputabant efficit _Martinum Lutherum_ sacrilegum hereticum, Christianæ religionis hostem acerrimum atque prophanum, ex horoscopi directione ad Martis coitum, religiosissimus obiit, ejus Anima scelestissima ad infernos navigavit—ab Alecto, Tisiphone & Megara flagellis igneis cruciata perenniter. ——Lucas Gaurieus in Tractatu astrologico de præteritis multorum hominum accidentibus per genituras examinatis. C H A P. XXXVI WITH all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my father’s fancy——with so many family prejudices—and ten decades of such tales running on for ever along with them——how was it possible with such exquisite——was it a true nose?——That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father had, could bear the shock at all below stairs——or indeed above stairs, in any other posture, but the very posture I have described? ——Throw yourself down upon the bed, a dozen times——taking care only to place a looking-glass first in a chair on one side of it, before you do it—But was the stranger’s nose a true nose, or was it a false one? To tell that before-hand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth decade, which immediately follows this. This tale, cried _Slawkenbergius_, somewhat exultingly, has been reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work; knowing right well, that when I shall have told it, and my reader shall have read it thro’—’twould be even high time for both of us to shut up the book; inasmuch, continues _Slawkenbergius_, as I know of no tale which could possibly ever go down after it. ’Tis a tale indeed! This sets out with the first interview in the inn at _Lyons_, when _Fernandez_ left the courteous stranger and his sister _Julia_ alone in her chamber, and is over-written. The I N T R I C A C I E S O F _Diego_ and _Julia._ Heavens! thou art a strange creature, _Slawkenbergius!_ what a whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened! how this can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of _Slawkenbergius_’s tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral, should please the world—translated shall a couple of volumes be.——Else, how this can ever be translated into good _English_, I have no sort of conception—There seems in some passages to want a sixth sense to do it rightly.——What can he mean by the lambent pupilability of slow, low, dry chat, five notes below the natural tone——which you know, madam, is little more than a whisper? The moment I pronounced the words, I could perceive an attempt towards a vibration in the strings, about the region of the heart.——The brain made no acknowledgment.——There’s often no good understanding betwixt ’em—I felt as if I understood it.——I had no ideas.——The movement could not be without cause.—I’m lost. I can make nothing of it—unless, may it please your worships, the voice, in that case being little more than a whisper, unavoidably forces the eyes to approach not only within six inches of each other—but to look into the pupils—is not that dangerous?——But it can’t be avoided—for to look up to the cieling, in that case the two chins unavoidably meet——and to look down into each other’s lap, the foreheads come to immediate contact, which at once puts an end to the conference——I mean to the sentimental part of it.——What is left, madam, is not worth stooping for. C H A P. XXXVII MY father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death had pushed him down, for a full hour and a half before he began to play upon the floor with the toe of that foot which hung over the bed-side; my uncle _Toby_’s heart was a pound lighter for it.——In a few moments, his left-hand, the knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon the handle of the chamber-pot, came to its feeling—he thrust it a little more within the valance—drew up his hand, when he had done, into his bosom—gave a hem! My good uncle _Toby_, with infinite pleasure, answered it; and full gladly would have ingrafted a sentence of consolation upon the opening it afforded: but having no talents, as I said, that way, and fearing moreover that he might set out with something which might make a bad matter worse, he contented himself with resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch. Now whether the compression shortened my uncle _Toby_’s face into a more pleasurable oval—or that the philanthropy of his heart, in seeing his brother beginning to emerge out of the sea of his afflictions, had braced up his muscles——so that the compression upon his chin only doubled the benignity which was there before, is not hard to decide.——My father, in turning his eyes, was struck with such a gleam of sun-shine in his face, as melted down the sullenness of his grief in a moment. He broke silence as follows: C H A P. XXXVIII DID ever man, brother _Toby_, cried my father, raising himself upon his elbow, and turning himself round to the opposite side of the bed, where my uncle _Toby_ was sitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin resting upon his crutch——did ever a poor unfortunate man, brother _Toby_, cried my father, receive so many lashes?——The most I ever saw given, quoth my uncle _Toby_ (ringing the bell at the bed’s head for _Trim_) was to a grenadier, I think in _Mackay_’s regiment. ——Had my uncle _Toby_ shot a bullet through my father’s heart, he could not have fallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly. Bless me! said my uncle _Toby_. C H A P. XXXIX WAS it _Mackay_’s regiment, quoth my uncle _Toby_, where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully whipp’d at _Bruges_ about the ducats?—O Christ! he was innocent! cried _Trim_, with a deep sigh.—And he was whipp’d, may it please your honour, almost to death’s door.—They had better have shot him outright, as he begg’d, and he had gone directly to heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour.——I thank thee, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_.——I never think of his, continued _Trim_, and my poor brother _Tom_’s misfortunes, for we were all three school-fellows, but I cry like a coward.——Tears are no proof of cowardice, _Trim._—I drop them oft-times myself, cried my uncle _Toby_.——I know your honour does, replied _Trim_, and so am not ashamed of it myself.—But to think, may it please your honour, continued _Trim_, a tear stealing into the corner of his eye as he spoke—to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies, and as honest as God could make them—the children of honest people, going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes in the world—and fall into such evils!—poor _Tom!_ to be tortured upon a rack for nothing—but marrying a Jew’s widow who sold sausages—honest _Dick Johnson_’s soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put into his knapsack!—O!—these are misfortunes, cried _Trim_,—pulling out his handkerchief—these are misfortunes, may it please your honour, worth lying down and crying over. —My father could not help blushing. ’Twould be a pity, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, thou shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy own—thou feelest it so tenderly for others.—Alack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his face——your honour knows I have neither wife or child——I can have no sorrows in this world.——My father could not help smiling.—As few as any