The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

gone along with it.——————Right, answered _Kysarcius;_ and of this, brother _Didius_, we have an instance in a decree of the decretals of Pope _Leo_ the IIId.——But my brother’s child, cried my uncle _Toby_, has nothing to do with the Pope——’tis the plain child of a Protestant gentleman, christen’d _Tristram_ against the wills and wishes both of his father and mother, and all who are a-kin to it.—— If the wills and wishes, said _Kysarcius_, interrupting my uncle _Toby_, of those only who stand related to Mr. _Shandy_’s child, were to have weight in this matter, Mrs. _Shandy_, of all people, has the least to do in it.——My uncle _Toby_ lay’d down his pipe, and my father drew his chair still closer to the table, to hear the conclusion of so strange an introduction. ——It has not only been a question, Captain _Shandy_, amongst the[17] best lawyers and civilians in this land, continued _Kysarcius, “Whether the mother be of kin to her child,”_—but, after much dispassionate enquiry and jactitation of the arguments on all sides—it has been adjudged for the negative—namely, _“That the mother is not of kin to her child.”_[18] My father instantly clapp’d his hand upon my uncle _Toby_’s mouth, under colour of whispering in his ear;—the truth was, he was alarmed for _Lillabullero_—and having a great desire to hear more of so curious an argument—he begg’d my uncle _Toby_, for heaven’s sake, not to disappoint him in it.—My uncle _Toby_ gave a nod—resumed his pipe, and contenting himself with whistling _Lillabullero_ inwardly——_Kysarcius, Didius_, and _Triptolemus_ went on with the discourse as follows: This determination, continued _Kysarcius_, how contrary soever it may seem to run to the stream of vulgar ideas, yet had reason strongly on its side; and has been put out of all manner of dispute from the famous case, known commonly by the name of the Duke of _Suffolk_’s case.——It is cited in _Brook_, said _Triptolemus_——And taken notice of by Lord _Coke_, added _Didius._—And you may find it in _Swinburn_ on Testaments, said _Kysarcius._ The case, Mr. _Shandy_, was this: In the reign of _Edward_ the Sixth, _Charles_ duke of _Suffolk_ having issue a son by one venter, and a daughter by another venter, made his last will, wherein he devised goods to his son, and died; after whose death the son died also——but without will, without wife, and without child—his mother and his sister by the father’s side (for she was born of the former venter) then living. The mother took the administration of her son’s goods, according to the statute of the 21st of _Harry_ the Eighth, whereby it is enacted, That in case any person die intestate the administration of his goods shall be committed to the next of kin. The administration being thus (surreptitiously) granted to the mother, the sister by the father’s side commenced a suit before the Ecclesiastical Judge, alledging, 1st, That she herself was next of kin; and 2dly, That the mother was not of kin at all to the party deceased; and therefore prayed the court, that the administration granted to the mother might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of kin to the deceased, by force of the said statute. Hereupon, as it was a great cause, and much depending upon its issue—and many causes of great property likely to be decided in times to come, by the precedent to be then made——the most learned, as well in the laws of this realm, as in the civil law, were consulted together, whether the mother was of kin to her son, or no.—Whereunto not only the temporal lawyers——but the church lawyers—the juris-consulti—the jurisprudentes—the civilians—the advocates—the commissaries—the judges of the consistory and prerogative courts of _Canterbury_ and _York_, with the master of the faculties, were all unanimously of opinion, That the mother was not of[19] kin to her child.—— And what said the duchess of _Suffolk_ to it? said my uncle _Toby_. The unexpectedness of my uncle _Toby_’s question, confounded _Kysarcius_ more than the ablest advocate——He stopp’d a full minute, looking in my uncle _Toby_’s face without replying——and in that single minute _Triptolemus_ put by him, and took the lead as follows. ’Tis a ground and principle in the law, said _Triptolemus_, that things do not ascend, but descend in it; and I make no doubt ’tis for this cause, that however true it is, that the child may be of the blood and seed of its parents——that the parents, nevertheless, are not of the blood and seed of it; inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the child, but the child by the parents—For so they write, _Liberi sunt de sanguine patris & matris, sed pater & mater non sunt de sanguine liberorum._ ——But this, _Triptolemus_, cried Didius, proves too much—for from this authority cited it would follow, not only what indeed is granted on all sides, that the mother is not of kin to her child—but the father likewise.——It is held, said _Triptolemus_, the better opinion; because the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet are they but (_una caro_[20]) one flesh; and consequently no degree of kindred——or any method of acquiring one _in nature._——There you push the argument again too far, cried _Didius_——for there is no prohibition _in nature_, though there is in the Levitical law——but that a man may beget a child upon his grandmother——in which case, supposing the issue a daughter, she would stand in relation both of——But who ever thought, cried _Kysarcius_, of laying with his grandmother?——The young gentleman, replied _Yorick_, whom _Selden_ speaks of——who not only thought of it, but justified his intention to his father by the argument drawn from the law of retaliation.—“You laid, Sir, with my mother,” said the lad—“why may not I lay with yours?”——’Tis the _Argumentum commune_, added _Yorick._——’Tis as good, replied _Eugenius_, taking down his hat, as they deserve. The company broke up. [17] Vide Swinburn on Testaments, Part 7. §8. [18] Vide Brook Abridg. Tit. Administr. N. 47. [19] Mater non numeratur inter consanguineos, Bald. in ult. C. de Verb. signific. [20] Vide Brook Abridg. tit. Administr. N .47. C H A P. LXV —AND pray, said my uncle _Toby_, leaning upon _Yorick_, as he and my father were helping him leisurely down the stairs——don’t be terrified, madam, this stair-case conversation is not so long as the last——And pray, _Yorick_, said my uncle _Toby_, which way is this said affair of _Tristram_ at length settled by these learned men? Very satisfactorily, replied _Yorick;_ no mortal, Sir, has any concern with it——for Mrs. _Shandy_ the mother is nothing at all a-kin to him——and as the mother’s is the surest side——Mr. _Shandy_, in course is still less than nothing——In short, he is not as much a-kin to him, Sir, as I am.—— ——That may well be, said my father, shaking his head. ——Let the learned say what they will, there must certainly, quoth my uncle _Toby_, have been some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess of _Suffolk_ and her son. The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth _Yorick_, to this hour. C H A P. LXVI THOUGH my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learned discourses——’twas still but like the anointing of a broken bone——The moment he got home, the weight of his afflictions returned upon him but so much the heavier, as is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips from under us.—He became pensive—walked frequently forth to the fish-pond—let down one loop of his hat——sigh’d often——forbore to snap—and, as the hasty sparks of temper, which occasion snapping, so much assist perspiration and digestion, as _Hippocrates_ tells us—he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them, had not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health rescued by a fresh train of disquietudes left him, with a legacy of a thousand pounds, by my aunt _Dinah._ My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the right end, he instantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out mostly to the honour of his family.—A hundred-and-fifty odd projects took possession of his brains by turns—he would do this, and that and t’other—He would go to _Rome_——he would go to law——he would buy stock——he would buy _John Hobson_’s farm—he would new fore front his house, and add a new wing to make it even——There was a fine water-mill on this side, and he would build a wind-mill on the other side of the river in full view to answer it—But above all things in the world, he would inclose the great _Ox-moor_, and send out my brother _Bobby_ immediately upon his travels. But as the sum was finite, and consequently could not do every thing——and in truth very few of these to any purpose—of all the projects which offered themselves upon this occasion, the two last seemed to make the deepest impression; and he would infallibly have determined upon both at once, but for the small inconvenience hinted at above, which absolutely put him under a necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other. This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though ’tis certain my father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my brother’s education, and like a prudent man had actually determined to carry it into execution, with the first money that returned from the second creation of actions in the _Missisippi_-scheme, in which he was an adventurer——yet the _Ox-moor_, which was a fine, large, whinny, undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the _Shandy_-estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise to some account. But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of things, as made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice of their claims——like a wise man he had refrained entering into any nice or critical examination about them: so that upon the dismission of every other project at this crisis——the two old projects, the OX-MOOR and my BROTHER, divided him again; and so equal a match were they for each other, as to become the occasion of no small contest in the old gentleman’s mind—which of the two should be set o’going first. ——People may laugh as they will—but the case was this. It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before marriage—not only for the sake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of exercise and change of so much air—but simply for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of having been abroad—_tantum valet_, my father would say, _quantum sonat._ Now as this was a reasonable, and in course a most christian indulgence——to deprive him of it, without why or wherefore——and thereby make an example of him, as the first _Shandy_ unwhirl’d about _Europe_ in a post-chaise, and only because he was a heavy lad——would be using him ten times worse than a _Turk._ On the other hand, the case of the _Ox-moor_ was full as hard. Exclusive of the original purchase-money, which was eight hundred pounds——it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in a law-suit about fifteen years before—besides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation. It had been moreover in possession of the _Shandy_-family ever since the middle of the last century; and though it lay full in view before the house, bounded on one extremity by the water-mill, and on the other by the projected wind-mill spoken of above—and for all these reasons seemed to have the fairest title of any part of the estate to the care and protection of the family—yet by an unaccountable fatality, common