The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman
second reason, which I have the honour to offer to the world in support
of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon
sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the time supposed,—and it is this.
——That, in order to render the _Tristra-pædia_ complete,—I wrote the
chapter myself.
C H A P. XXVII
MY father put on his spectacles—looked,—took them off,—put them into
the case—all in less than a statutable minute; and without opening his
lips, turned about and walked precipitately down stairs: my mother
imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him
return with a couple of folios under his arm, and _Obadiah_ following
him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted ’twas an herbal,
and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might consult upon the
case at his ease.
——If it be but right done,—said my father, turning to the _Section—de
sede vel subjecto circumcisionis_,—for he had brought up _Spenser de
Legibus Hebræorum Ritualibus_—and _Maimonides_, in order to confront
and examine us altogether.——
——If it be but right done, quoth he:—only tell us, cried my mother,
interrupting him, what herbs?——For that, replied my father, you must
send for Dr. _Slop._
My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as
follows,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *—Very well,—said my father, * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *—nay, if
it has that convenience——and so without stopping a moment to settle it
first in his mind, whether the _Jews_ had it from the _Egyptians_, or
the _Egyptians_ from the _Jews_,—he rose up, and rubbing his forehead
two or three times across with the palm of his hand, in the manner we
rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has trod lighter upon us than
we foreboded,—he shut the book, and walked down stairs.—Nay, said he,
mentioning the name of a different great nation upon every step as he
set his foot upon it—if the EGYPTIANS,—the SYRIANS,—the
PHOENICIANS,—the ARABIANS,—the CAPPADOCIANS,——if the COLCHI, and
TROGLODYTES did it——if SOLON and PYTHAGORAS submitted,—what is
TRISTRAM?——Who am I, that I should fret or fume one moment about the
matter?
C H A P. XXVIII
DEAR _Yorick_, said my father smiling (for _Yorick_ had broke his rank
with my uncle _Toby_ in coming through the narrow entry, and so had
stept first into the parlour)—this _Tristram_ of ours, I find, comes
very hardly by all his religious rites.—Never was the son of _Jew,
Christian, Turk_, or _Infidel_ initiated into them in so oblique and
slovenly a manner.—But he is no worse, I trust, said _Yorick._—There
has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in
some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was
formed.—That, you are a better judge of than I, replied
_Yorick._—Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:—the
trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,—or the opposite of their
ascendents have not hit it, as they should,—or the lords of the
genitures (as they call them) have been at _bo-peep_,—or something has
been wrong above, or below with us.
’Tis possible, answered _Yorick._—But is the child, cried my uncle
_Toby_, the worse?—The _Troglodytes_ say not, replied my father. And
your theologists, _Yorick_, tell us—Theologically? said _Yorick_,—or
speaking after the manner of apothecaries?[25]—statesmen?[26]—or
washer-women?[27]
——I’m not sure, replied my father,—but they tell us, brother _Toby_,
he’s the better for it.——Provided, said _Yorick_, you travel him into
_Egypt._—Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when
he sees the _Pyramids._——
Now every word of this, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is _Arabic_ to me.——I
wish, said _Yorick_, ’twas so, to half the world.
—ILUS,[28] continued my father, circumcised his whole army one
morning.—Not without a court martial? cried my uncle _Toby._——Though
the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle _Toby_’s
remark, but turning to _Yorick_,—are greatly divided still who _Ilus_
was;—some say _Saturn;_—some the Supreme Being;—others, no more than a
brigadier general under _Pharaoh-neco._——Let him be who he will, said
my uncle _Toby_, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.
The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different
reasons for it:—others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the
opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the
greatest part of them.—But then again, our best polemic divines—I wish
there was not a polemic divine, said _Yorick_, in the kingdom;—one
ounce of practical divinity—is worth a painted ship-load of all their
reverences have imported these fifty years.—Pray, Mr. _Yorick_, quoth
my uncle _Toby_,—do tell me what a polemic divine is?——The best
description, captain _Shandy_, I have ever read, is of a couple of ’em,
replied _Yorick_, in the account of the battle fought single hands
betwixt _Gymnast_ and captain _Tripet;_ which I have in my pocket.——I
beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle _Toby_ earnestly.—You shall, said
_Yorick._—And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,—and I know
the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his
supper,—I beg, brother, you’ll give him leave to come in.—With all my
soul, said my father.——_Trim_ came in, erect and happy as an emperor;
and having shut the door, _Yorick_ took a book from his right-hand
coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.
[25] Χαλεπῆς νόσου, καὶ δυσιάτου ἀπαλλαγὴν, ἣν ἄνθρακα καλοῦσιν.—PHILO
[26] Τὰ τεμνόμενα τῶν ἐθνῶν τολυγονώτατα, καὶ πολυανθρωπότατα εἶναι.
[27] Καθαριότητος εἵνεκεν.—BOCHART.
[28] Ὁ Ἶλος, τὰ αἰδοῖα περιτέμνεται, ταὐτὸ ποιῆσαι καὶ τοὺς ἅμ’ αυτῷ
συμμάχους καταναγκάσας.—SANCHUNIATHO.
C H A P. XXIX
——“which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there, divers
of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room for the
assailant: all this did _Gymnast_ very well remark and consider; and
therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as
he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his
short sword by this thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, and
performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of
his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft into the air,
and placed both his feet together upon the saddle, standing upright,
with his back turned towards his horse’s head,—Now, (said he) my case
goes forward. Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was, he
fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left-hand, failed
not to carry his body perfectly round, just into his former position,
without missing one jot.——Ha! said _Tripet_, I will not do that at this
time,—and not without cause. Well, said _Gymnast_, I have failed,—I
will undo this leap; then with a marvellous strength and agility,
turning towards the right-hand, he fetched another striking gambol as
before; which done, he set his right hand thumb upon the bow of the
saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the air, poising and
upholding his whole weight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb,
and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the fourth,
reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back,
without _touching any thing_, he brought himself betwixt the horse’s
two ears, and then giving himself a jerking swing, he seated himself
upon the crupper—”
(This can’t be fighting, said my uncle _Toby._——The corporal shook his
head at it.——Have patience, said _Yorick._)
“Then (_Tripet_) pass’d his right leg over his saddle, and placed
himself _en croup._—But, said he, ’twere better for me to get into the
saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before
him, and there-upon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his
body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and strait
found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat; then
springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him about like a
wind-mill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and
demi-pommadas.”—Good God! cried _Trim_, losing all patience,—one home
thrust of a bayonet is worth it all.——I think so too, replied
_Yorick._——
I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father.
C H A P. XXX
——No,—I think I have advanced nothing, replied my father, making answer
to a question which _Yorick_ had taken the liberty to put to him,—I
have advanced nothing in the _Tristra-pædia_, but what is as clear as
any one proposition in _Euclid._—Reach me, _Trim_, that book from off
the scrutoir:—it has oft-times been in my mind, continued my father, to
have read it over both to you, _Yorick_, and to my brother _Toby_, and
I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done it long
ago:——shall we have a short chapter or two now,—and a chapter or two
hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get through the
whole? My uncle _Toby_ and _Yorick_ made the obeisance which was
proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the compliment,
laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at the same time.——The
company smiled. _Trim_, quoth my father, has paid the full price for
staying out the _entertainment._——He did not seem to relish the play,
replied _Yorick._——’Twas a Tom-fool-battle, an’ please your reverence,
of captain _Tripet_ ’s and that other officer, making so many
summersets, as they advanced;——the _French_ come on capering now and
then in that way,—but not quite so much.
My uncle _Toby_ never felt the consciousness of his existence with more
complacency than what the corporal’s, and his own reflections, made him
do at that moment;——he lighted his pipe,——_Yorick_ drew his chair
closer to the table,—_Trim_ snuff’d the candle,—my father stirr’d up
the fire,—took up the book,—cough’d twice, and begun.
C H A P. XXXI
THE first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the leaves,—are a
little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the
subject,——for the present we’ll pass them by: ’tis a prefatory
introduction, continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I am
not determined which name to give it) upon political or civil
government; the foundation of which being laid in the first conjunction
betwixt male and female, for procreation of the species——I was
insensibly led into it.——’Twas natural, said _Yorick._
The original of society, continued my father, I’m satisfied is, what
_Politian_ tells us, _i.e._ merely conjugal; and nothing more than the
getting together of one man and one woman;—to which, (according to
_Hesiod_) the philosopher adds a servant:—but supposing in the first
beginning there were no men servants born——he lays the foundation of
it, in a man,—a woman—and a bull.——I believe ’tis an ox, quoth
_Yorick_, quoting the passage ([Greek text])——A bull must have given
more trouble than his head was worth.—But there is a better reason
still, said my father (dipping his pen into his ink); for the ox being
the most patient of animals, and the most useful withal in tilling the
ground for their nourishment,—was the properest instrument, and emblem
too, for the new joined couple, that the creation could have associated
with them.—And there is a stronger reason, added my uncle _Toby_, than
them all for the ox.—My father had not power to take his pen out of his
ink-horn, till he had heard my uncle _Toby_’s reason.—For when the
ground was tilled, said my uncle _Toby_, and made worth inclosing, then
they began to secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of
fortification.——True, true, dear _Toby_, cried my father, striking out
the bull, and putting the ox in his place.