The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

——I’ll put him, however, into breeches, said my father,—let the world say what it will. C H A P. LIX THERE are a thousand resolutions, Sir, both in church and state, as well as in matters, Madam, of a more private concern;—which, though they have carried all the appearance in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty, hare-brained, and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding this, (and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we should have found it was so) weighed, poized, and perpended——argued upon——canvassed through——entered into, and examined on all sides with so much coolness, that the GODDESS OF COOLNESS herself (I do not take upon me to prove her existence) could neither have wished it, or done it better. Of the number of these was my father’s resolution of putting me into breeches; which, though determined at once,—in a kind of huff, and a defiance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been _pro’d_ and _conn’d_, and judicially talked over betwixt him and my mother about a month before, in two several _beds of justice_, which my father had held for that purpose. I shall explain the nature of these beds of justice in my next chapter; and in the chapter following that, you shall step with me, Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in what kind of manner my father and my mother debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches,—from which you may form an idea, how they debated all lesser matters. C H A P. LX THE ancient _Goths_ of _Germany_, who (the learned _Cluverius_ is positive) were first seated in the country between the _Vistula_ and the _Oder_, and who afterwards incorporated the _Herculi_, the _Bugians_, and some other _Vandallick_ clans to ’em—had all of them a wise custom of debating every thing of importance to their state, twice, that is,—once drunk, and once sober:——Drunk—that their councils might not want vigour;——and sober—that they might not want discretion. Now my father being entirely a water-drinker,—was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose;——and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination,——he fixed and set apart the first _Sunday_ night in the month, and the _Saturday_ night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * These my father, humorously enough, called his _beds of justice;_——for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times. I must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the _Goths_ and _Vandals_ did it——or, if he can, may it be always for his body’s health; and to do it, as my father did it,—am I sure it would be always for his soul’s. My way is this:—— In all nice and ticklish discussions,—(of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book)—where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back——I write one-half _full_,—and t’other _fasting;_——or write it all full,—and correct it fasting;——or write it fasting,—and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing:——So that with a less variation from my father’s plan, than my father’s from the _Gothick_—I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice,—and no way inferior to him in his second.——These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature,—of which,—be her’s the honour.——All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.—— Now, when I write full,—I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live;——that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors of the world.——I count not the number of my scars,—nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to ante-date my stabs.——In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fulness of my heart, as my stomach.—— But when, an’ please your honours, I indite fasting, ’tis a different history.——I pay the world all possible attention and respect,—and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you.——So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured _Shandean_ book, which will do all your hearts good—— ——And all your heads too,—provided you understand it. C H A P. LXI WE should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my mother’s, as he opened the debate——We should begin to think, Mrs. _Shandy_, of putting this boy into breeches.—— We should so,—said my mother.——We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully.—— I think we do, Mr. _Shandy_,—said my mother. ——Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunicks.—— ——He does look very well in them,—replied my mother.—— ——And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of ’em.—— ——It would so,—said my mother:——But indeed he is growing a very tall lad,—rejoined my father. ——He is very tall for his age, indeed,—said my mother.—— ——I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.—— I cannot conceive, for my life, said my mother.—— Humph!——said my father. (The dialogue ceased for a moment.) ——(I am very short myself,—continued my father gravely. You are very short, Mr _Shandy_,—said my mother. Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother’s,—and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half. ——When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he’ll look like a beast in ’em. He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother. ——And ’twill be lucky, if that’s the worst on’t, added my father. It will be very lucky, answered my mother. I suppose, replied my father,—making some pause first,—he’ll be exactly like other people’s children.—— Exactly, said my mother.—— ——Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate stopp’d again. ——They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again.— They will last him, said my mother, the longest. But he can have no linings to ’em, replied my father.—— He cannot, said my mother. ’Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father. Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.—— ——Except dimity,—replied my father:——’Tis best of all,—replied my mother. ——One must not give him his death, however,—interrupted my father. By no means, said my mother:——and so the dialogue stood still again. I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.—— ——There is no occasion for any, said my mother.—— I mean in his coat and waistcoat,—cried my father. ——I mean so too,—replied my mother. ——Though if he gets a gig or top——Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them,—they should have where to secure it.—— Order it as you please, Mr. _Shandy_, replied my mother.—— ——But don’t you think it right? added my father, pressing the point home to her. Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. _Shandy._—— ——There’s for you! cried my father, losing his temper——Pleases me!——You never will distinguish, Mrs. _Shandy_, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.——This was on the _Sunday_ night:——and further this chapter sayeth not. C H A P. LXII AFTER my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother,—he consulted _Albertus Rubenius_ upon it; and _Albertus Rubenius_ used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother: For as _Rubenius_ had wrote a quarto _express, De re Vestiaria Veterum_,—it was _Rubenius_’s business to have given my father some lights.—On the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard,—as of extracting a single word out of _Rubenius_ upon the subject. Upon every other article of ancient dress, _Rubenius_ was very communicative to my father;—gave him a full satisfactory account of The Toga, or loose gown. The Chlamys. The Ephod. The Tunica, or Jacket. The Synthesis. The Pænula. The Lacema, with its Cucullus. The Paludamentum. The Prætexta. The Sagum, or soldier’s jerkin. The Trabea: of which, according to _Suetonius_, there was three kinds.— ——But what are all these to the breeches? said my father. _Rubenius_ threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the _Romans._—— There was, The open shoe. The close shoe. The slip shoe. The wooden shoe. The soc. The buskin. And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which _Juvenal_ takes notice of. There were, The clogs. The pattins. The pantoufles. The brogues. The sandals, with latchets to them. There was, The felt shoe. The linen shoe. The laced shoe. The braided shoe. The calceus incisus. And The calceus rostratus. _Rubenius_ shewed my father how well they all fitted,—in what manner they laced on,—with what points, straps, thongs, latchets, ribbands, jaggs, and ends.—— ——But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my father. _Albertus Rubenius_ informed my father that the _Romans_ manufactured stuffs of various fabrics,——some plain,—some striped,—others diapered throughout the whole contexture of the wool, with silk and gold——That linen did not begin to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire, when the _Egyptians_ coming to settle amongst them, brought it into vogue. ——That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour (next to purple, which was appropriated to the great offices) they most affected, and wore on their birth-days and public rejoicings.——That it appeared from the best historians of those times, that they frequently sent their clothes to the fuller, to be clean’d and whitened:——but that the inferior people, to avoid that expence, generally wore brown clothes, and of a something coarser texture,—till towards the beginning of _Augustus_’s reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of habiliment was lost, but the _Latus Clavus._ And what was the _Latus Clavus?_ said my father. _Rubenius_ told him, that the point was still litigating amongst the learned:——That _Egnatius, Sigonius, Bossius Ticinensis, Bayfius Budæus, Salmasius, Lipsius, Lazius, Isaac Casaubon_, and _Joseph Scaliger_, all differed from each other,—and he from them: That some took it to be the button,—some the coat itself,—others only the colour of it;—That the great _Bayfuis_ in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 12—honestly