The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

like a continual firing in the imagination,——and this something, the corporal, whose principal strength lay in invention, supplied by an entire new system of battering of his own,—without which, this had been objected to by military critics, to the end of the world, as one of the great _desiderata_ of my uncle _Toby_’s apparatus. This will not be explained the worse, for setting off, as I generally do, at a little distance from the subject. C H A P. LXVII WITH two or three other trinkets, small in themselves, but of great regard, which poor _Tom_, the corporal’s unfortunate brother, had sent him over, with the account of his marriage with the _Jew_’s widow——there was A _Montero_-cap and two _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes. The _Montero_-cap I shall describe by and bye.—The _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes had nothing particular in them, they were fitted up and ornamented as usual, with flexible tubes of _Morocco_ leather and gold wire, and mounted at their ends, the one of them with ivory,—the other with black ebony, tipp’d with silver. My father, who saw all things in lights different from the rest of the world, would say to the corporal, that he ought to look upon these two presents more as tokens of his brother’s nicety, than his affection.——Tom did not care, _Trim_, he would say, to put on the cap, or to smoke in the tobacco-pipe of a _Jew._——God bless your honour, the corporal would say (giving a strong reason to the contrary)—how can that be? The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine _Spanish_ cloth, dyed in grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue, slightly embroidered,—and seemed to have been the property of a _Portuguese_ quarter-master, not of foot, but of horse, as the word denotes. The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its own sake, as the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it on but upon GALA-days; and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all controverted points, whether military or culinary, provided the corporal was sure he was in the right,—it was either his _oath_,—his _wager_,—or his _gift._ ——’Twas his gift in the present case. I’ll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to give away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honour’s satisfaction. The completion was no further off, than the very next morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the _Lower Deule_, to the right, and the gate St. _Andrew_,—and on the left, between St. _Magdalen_’s and the river. As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war,—the most gallant and obstinate on both sides,—and I must add the most bloody too, for it cost the allies themselves that morning above eleven hundred men,—my uncle _Toby_ prepared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity. The eve which preceded, as my uncle _Toby_ went to bed, he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old campaigning trunk, which stood by his bedside, to be taken out and laid upon the lid of it, ready for the morning;—and the very first thing he did in his shirt, when he had stepped out of bed, my uncle _Toby_, after he had turned the rough side outwards,—put it on:——This done, he proceeded next to his breeches, and having buttoned the waist-band, he forthwith buckled on his sword-belt, and had got his sword half way in,—when he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on,—so took it off:——In essaying to put on his regimental coat and waistcoat, my uncle _Toby_ found the same objection in his wig,—so that went off too:—So that what with one thing and what with another, as always falls out when a man is in the most haste,—’twas ten o’clock, which was half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle _Toby_ sallied out. C H A P. LXVIII MY uncle _Toby_ had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedge, which separated his kitchen-garden from his bowling-green, when he perceived the corporal had begun the attack without him.—— Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporal’s apparatus; and of the corporal himself in the height of his attack, just as it struck my uncle _Toby_, as he turned towards the sentry-box, where the corporal was at work,——for in nature there is not such another,——nor can any combination of all that is grotesque and whimsical in her works produce its equal. The corporal——— ——Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of genius,——for he was your kinsman: Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness,—for he was your brother.—Oh corporal! had I thee, but now,—now, that I am able to give thee a dinner and protection,—how would I cherish thee! thou should’st wear thy Montero-cap every hour of the day, and every day of the week.—and when it was worn out, I would purchase thee a couple like it:——But alas! alas! alas! now that I can do this in spite of their reverences—the occasion is lost—for thou art gone;—thy genius fled up to the stars from whence it came;—and that warm heart of thine, with all its generous and open vessels, compressed into a _clod of the valley!_ ——But what——what is this, to that future and dreaded page, where I look towards the velvet pall, decorated with the military ensigns of thy master—the first—the foremost of created beings;——where, I shall see thee, faithful servant! laying his sword and scabbard with a trembling hand across his coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to the door, to take his mourning horse by the bridle, to follow his hearse, as he directed thee;——where—all my father’s systems shall be baffled by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall behold him, as he inspects the lackered plate, twice taking his spectacles from off his nose, to wipe away the dew which nature has shed upon them——When I see him cast in the rosemary with an air of disconsolation, which cries through my ears,——O _Toby!_ in what corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow? ——Gracious powers! which erst have opened the lips of the dumb in his distress, and made the tongue of the stammerer speak plain—when I shall arrive at this dreaded page, deal not with me, then, with a stinted hand. C H A P. LXIX THE corporal, who the night before had resolved in his mind to supply the grand _desideratum_, of keeping up something like an incessant firing upon the enemy during the heat of the attack,—had no further idea in his fancy at that time, than a contrivance of smoking tobacco against the town, out of one of my uncle _Toby_’s six field-pieces, which were planted on each side of his sentry-box; the means of effecting which occurring to his fancy at the same time, though he had pledged his cap, he thought it in no danger from the miscarriage of his projects. Upon turning it this way, and that, a little in his mind, he soon began to find out, that by means of his two _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes, with the supplement of three smaller tubes of wash-leather at each of their lower ends, to be tagg’d by the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holes, and sealed with clay next the cannon, and then tied hermetically with waxed silk at their several insertions into the _Morocco_ tube,—he should be able to fire the six field-pieces all together, and with the same ease as to fire one.——— ——Let no man say from what taggs and jaggs hints may not be cut out for the advancement of human knowledge. Let no man, who has read my father’s first and second _beds of justice_, ever rise up and say again, from collision of what kinds of bodies light may or may not be struck out, to carry the arts and sciences up to perfection.——Heaven! thou knowest how I love them;——thou knowest the secrets of my heart, and that I would this moment give my shirt——Thou art a fool, _Shandy_, says _Eugenius_, for thou hast but a dozen in the world,—and ’twill break thy set.—— No matter for that, _Eugenius;_ I would give the shirt off my back to be burnt into tinder, were it only to satisfy one feverish enquirer, how many sparks at one good stroke, a good flint and steel could strike into the tail of it.——Think ye not that in striking these _in_,—he might, per-adventure, strike something _out?_ as sure as a gun.—— ——But this project, by the bye. The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing _his_ to perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his cannon, with charging them to the top with tobacco,—he went with contentment to bed. C H A P. LXX THE corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle _Toby_, in order to fix his apparatus, and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle _Toby_ came. He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close up together in front of my uncle _Toby_’s sentry-box, leaving only an interval of about a yard and a half betwixt the three, on the right and left, for the convenience of charging, &c.—and the sake possibly of two batteries, which he might think double the honour of one. In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his post:——He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand,—and the ebony pipe tipp’d with silver, which appertained to the battery on the left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the other——and with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, was the corporal, with his Montero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against the counter-guard, which faced the counterscarp, where the attack was to be made that morning. His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a single puff or two;—but the pleasure of the _puffs_, as well as the _puffing_, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my uncle _Toby_ joined him. ’Twas well for my father, that my uncle _Toby_ had not his will to make that day. C H A P. LXXI MY uncle _Toby_ took the ivory pipe out of the corporal’s hand,—looked at it for half a minute, and returned it. In less than two minutes, my uncle _Toby_ took the pipe from the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth——then hastily gave it back a second time. The corporal redoubled the attack,——my uncle _Toby_ smiled,——then looked grave,——then smiled for a moment,——then looked serious for a long time;——Give me hold of the ivory pipe, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_——my uncle _Toby_ put it to his lips,——drew it back directly,——gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge;——never did my uncle _Toby_’s mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.——My uncle _Toby_ retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.——— ——Dear uncle _Toby_! don’t go into the sentry-box with the pipe,—there’s no trusting a man’s self with such a thing in such a corner. C H A P. LXXII I BEG the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle _Toby_’s ordnance behind the scenes,——to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way;——that done, my dear friend _Garrick_, we’ll snuff the candles bright,—sweep the stage with a new broom,—draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle _Toby_ dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a-kin to love,—and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle _Toby_ in these, to trace these family likenesses, betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your