The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

again)——or a fillet, or a thumb-stall, but it is seen or felt.—— _Quanto id diligentias in liberis procreandis cavendum_, sayeth _Cardan._ All which being considered, and that you see ’tis morally impracticable for me to wind this round to where I set out—— I begin the chapter over again. C H A P. LXXVII I TOLD the Christian reader in the beginning of the chapter which preceded my uncle _Toby_’s apologetical oration,—though in a different trope from what I should make use of now, That the peace of _Utrecht_ was within an ace of creating the same shyness betwixt my uncle _Toby_ and his hobby-horse, as it did betwixt the queen and the rest of the confederating powers. There is an indignant way in which a man sometimes dismounts his horse, which, as good as says to him, “I’ll go afoot, Sir, all the days of my life before I would ride a single mile upon your back again.” Now my uncle _Toby_ could not be said to dismount his horse in this manner; for in strictness of language, he could not be said to dismount his horse at all——his horse rather flung him——and somewhat _viciously_, which made my uncle _Toby_ take it ten times more unkindly. Let this matter be settled by state-jockies as they like.——It created, I say, a sort of shyness betwixt my uncle _Toby_ and his hobby-horse.——He had no occasion for him from the month of _March_ to _November_, which was the summer after the articles were signed, except it was now and then to take a short ride out, just to see that the fortifications and harbour of _Dunkirk_ were demolished, according to stipulation. The _French_ were so backwards all that summer in setting about that affair, and Monsieur _Tugghe_, the deputy from the magistrates of _Dunkirk_, presented so many affecting petitions to the queen,—beseeching her majesty to cause only her thunderbolts to fall upon the martial works, which might have incurred her displeasure,—but to spare—to spare the mole, for the mole’s sake; which, in its naked situation, could be no more than an object of pity——and the queen (who was but a woman) being of a pitiful disposition,—and her ministers also, they not wishing in their hearts to have the town dismantled, for these private reasons, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *—— * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ; so that the whole went heavily on with my uncle _Toby;_ insomuch, that it was not within three full months, after he and the corporal had constructed the town, and put it in a condition to be destroyed, that the several commandants, commissaries, deputies, negociators, and intendants, would permit him to set about it.——Fatal interval of inactivity! The corporal was for beginning the demolition, by making a breach in the ramparts, or main fortifications of the town——No,—that will never do, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, for in going that way to work with the town, the _English_ garrison will not be safe in it an hour; because if the French are treacherous——They are as treacherous as devils, an’ please your honour, said the corporal——It gives me concern always when I hear it, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby;_—for they don’t want personal bravery; and if a breach is made in the ramparts, they may enter it, and make themselves masters of the place when they please:—Let them enter it, said the corporal, lifting up his pioneer’s spade in both his hands, as if he was going to lay about him with it,—let them enter, an’ please your honour, if they dare.——In cases like this, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, slipping his right hand down to the middle of his cane, and holding it afterwards truncheon-wise with his fore-finger extended,——’tis no part of the consideration of a commandant, what the enemy dare,—or what they dare not do; he must act with prudence. We will begin with the outworks both towards the sea and the land, and particularly with fort _Louis_, the most distant of them all, and demolish it first,—and the rest, one by one, both on our right and left, as we retreat towards the town;——then we’ll demolish the mole,—next fill up the harbour,—then retire into the citadel, and blow it up into the air: and having done that, corporal, we’ll embark for _England._——We are there, quoth the corporal, recollecting himself——Very true, said my uncle _Toby_—looking at the church. C H A P. LXXVIII A DELUSIVE, delicious consultation or two of this kind, betwixt my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_, upon the demolition of _Dunkirk_,—for a moment rallied back the ideas of those pleasures, which were slipping from under him:——still—still all went on heavily——the magic left the mind the weaker—STILLNESS, with SILENCE at her back, entered the solitary parlour, and drew their gauzy mantle over my uncle _Toby_’s head;—and LISTLESSNESS, with her lax fibre and undirected eye, sat quietly down beside him in his arm-chair.——No longer _Amberg_ and _Rhinberg_, and _Limbourg_, and _Huy_, and _Bonn_, in one year,—and the prospect of _Landen_, and _Trerebach_, and _Drusen_, and _Dendermond_, the next,—hurried on the blood:—No longer did saps, and mines, and blinds, and gabions, and palisadoes, keep out this fair enemy of man’s repose:——No more could my uncle _Toby_, after passing the _French_ lines, as he eat his egg at supper, from thence break into the heart of _France_,—cross over the _Oyes_, and with all _Picardie_ open behind him, march up to the gates of _Paris_, and fall asleep with nothing but ideas of glory:——No more was he to dream, he had fixed the royal standard upon the tower of the _Bastile_, and awake with it streaming in his head. ——Softer visions,—gentler vibrations stole sweetly in upon his slumbers;—the trumpet of war fell out of his hands,—he took up the lute, sweet instrument! of all others the most delicate! the most difficult!——how wilt thou touch it, my dear uncle _Toby_? C H A P. LXXIX NOW, because I have once or twice said, in my inconsiderate way of talking, That I was confident the following memoirs of my uncle _Toby_’s courtship of widow _Wadman_, whenever I got time to write them, would turn out one of the most complete systems, both of the elementary and practical part of love and love-making, that ever was addressed to the world——are you to imagine from thence, that I shall set out with a description of _what love is?_ whether part God and part Devil, as _Plotinus_ will have it—— ——Or by a more critical equation, and supposing the whole of love to be as ten——to determine with _Ficinus_, “_How many parts of it—the one,—and how many the other;_”—or whether it is _all of it one great Devil_, from head to tail, as _Plato_ has taken upon him to pronounce; concerning which conceit of his, I shall not offer my opinion:—but my opinion of _Plato_ is this; that he appears, from this instance, to have been a man of much the same temper and way of reasoning with doctor _Baynyard_, who being a great enemy to blisters, as imagining that half a dozen of ’em at once, would draw a man as surely to his grave, as a herse and six—rashly concluded, that the Devil himself was nothing in the world, but one great bouncing _Cantharidis._—— I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous liberty in arguing, but what _Nazianzen_ cried out (_that is, polemically_) to _Philagrius_—— “’Ευγε!” _O rare! ’tis fine reasoning, Sir indeed!_—“οτι φιλοσοφεισ ευ Παθεσ.” _and most nobly do you aim at truth, when you philosophize about it in your moods and passions._ Nor is it to be imagined, for the same reason, I should stop to inquire, whether love is a disease,——or embroil myself with _Rhasis_ and _Dioscorides_, whether the seat of it is in the brain or liver;—because this would lead me on, to an examination of the two very opposite manners, in which patients have been treated——the one, of _Aœtius_, who always begun with a cooling clyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers;—and followed on with thin potations of water-lilies and purslane—to which he added a pinch of snuff, of the herb _Hanea;_—and where _Aœtius_ durst venture it,—his topaz-ring. ——The other, that of _Gordonius_, who (in his cap. 15. _de Amore_) directs they should be thrashed, “_ad putorem usque_,”——till they stink again. These are disquisitions which my father, who had laid in a great stock of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy with in the progress of my uncle _Toby_’s affairs: I must anticipate thus much, That from his theories of love, (with which, by the way, he contrived to crucify my uncle _Toby_’s mind, almost as much as his amours themselves,)—he took a single step into practice;—and by means of a camphorated cerecloth, which he found means to impose upon the taylor for buckram, whilst he was making my uncle _Toby_ a new pair of breeches, he produced _Gordonius_’s effect upon my uncle _Toby_ without the disgrace. What changes this produced, will be read in its proper place: all that is needful to be added to the anecdote, is this——That whatever effect it had upon my uncle _Toby_,——it had a vile effect upon the house;——and if my uncle _Toby_ had not smoaked it down as he did, it might have had a vile effect upon my father too. C H A P. LXXX ——’TWILL come out of itself by and bye.——All I contend for is, that I am not obliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so long as I can go on with my story intelligibly, with the help of the word itself, without any other idea to it, than what I have in common with the rest of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before the time?——When I can get on no further,—and find myself entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth,—my Opinion will then come in, in course,—and lead me out. At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in telling the reader, my uncle _Toby fell in love:_ —Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is _fallen_ in love,—or that he is _deeply_ in love,—or up to the ears in love,—and sometimes even _over head and ears in it_,—carries an idiomatical kind of implication, that love is a thing _below_ a man:—this is recurring again to _Plato_’s opinion, which, with all his divinityship,—I hold to be damnable and heretical:—and so much for that. Let love therefore be what it will,—my uncle _Toby_ fell into it. ——And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptation—so wouldst thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy concupiscence covet any thing in this world, more concupiscible than widow _Wadman._ C H A P. LXXXI TO conceive this right,—call for pen and ink—here’s paper ready to your hand.——Sit down, Sir, paint her to your own mind——as like your mistress as you can——as unlike your wife as your conscience will let you—’tis all one to me——please but your own fancy in it. ——Was ever any thing in Nature so sweet!—so exquisite! ——Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle _Toby_ resist it? Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least, within thy covers, which MALICE will not blacken, and which IGNORANCE cannot misrepresent. C H A P. LXXXII AS _Susannah_ was informed by an express from Mrs. _Bridget_, of my uncle _Toby_’s falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened,—the contents of which express, _Susannah_ communicated to my mother the next day,—it has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle _Toby_’s amours a fortnight before their existence. I have an article of news to tell you, Mr. _Shandy_, quoth my mother, which will surprise you greatly.—— Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother broke silence.—— “—My brother _Toby_, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs. _Wadman._” ——Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie diagonally in his