The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman

hypothesis, by which means never man crucified TRUTH at the rate he did——had but just heard of the report as my uncle _Toby_ set out; and catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to _Yorick_, notwithstanding my mother was sitting by——not only, “That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was lust;” but that every evil and disorder in the world, of what kind or nature soever, from the first fall of _Adam_, down to my uncle _Toby_’s (inclusive), was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite. _Yorick_ was just bringing my father’s hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle _Toby_ entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father’s eloquence re-kindled against the passion——and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wroth——as soon as my uncle _Toby_ was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner. C H A P. XCII ——THAT provision should be made for continuing the race of so great, so exalted and godlike a Being as man—I am far from denying—but philosophy speaks freely of every thing; and therefore I still think and do maintain it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a passion which bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom, contemplations, and operations of the soul backwards——a passion, my dear, continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which couples and equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of our caverns and hiding-places more like satyrs and four-footed beasts than men. I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the _Prolepsis_), that in itself, and simply taken——like hunger, or thirst, or sleep——’tis an affair neither good or bad—or shameful or otherwise.——Why then did the delicacy of _Diogenes_ and _Plato_ so recalcitrate against it? and wherefore, when we go about to make and plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what reason is it, that all the parts thereof—the congredients—the preparations—the instruments, and whatever serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no language, translation, or periphrasis whatever? ——The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my father, raising his voice—and turning to my uncle _Toby_—you see, is glorious—and the weapons by which we do it are honourable——We march with them upon our shoulders——We strut with them by our sides——We gild them——We carve them——We in-lay them——We enrich them——Nay, if it be but a _scoundrel_ cannon, we cast an ornament upon the breach of it.— ——My uncle _Toby_ laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithet——and _Yorick_ was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to pieces—— ——When _Obadiah_ broke into the middle of the room with a complaint, which cried out for an immediate hearing. The case was this: My father, whether by ancient custom of the manor, or as impropriator of the great tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the Parish, and _Obadiah_ had led his cow upon a _pop-visit_ to him one day or other the preceding summer——I say, one day or other—because as chance would have it, it was the day on which he was married to my father’s house-maid——so one was a reckoning to the other. Therefore when _Obadiah_’s wife was brought to bed—_Obadiah_ thanked God—— ——Now, said _Obadiah_, I shall have a calf: so _Obadiah_ went daily to visit his cow. She’ll calve on _Monday_—on _Tuesday_—on _Wednesday_ at the farthest—— The cow did not calve——no—she’ll not calve till next week——the cow put it off terribly——till at the end of the sixth week _Obadiah_’s suspicions (like a good man’s) fell upon the Bull. Now the parish being very large, my father’s Bull, to speak the truth of him, was no way equal to the department; he had, however, got himself, somehow or other, thrust into employment—and as he went through the business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of him. ——Most of the townsmen, an’ please your worship, quoth _Obadiah_, believe that ’tis all the Bull’s fault—— ——But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning to Doctor _Slop._ It never happens: said Dr. _Slop_, but the man’s wife may have come before her time naturally enough——Prithee has the child hair upon his head?—added Dr. _Slop_—— ——It is as hairy as I am; said _Obadiah.——Obadiah_ had not been shaved for three weeks——Wheu - - u - - - - u - - - - - - - - cried my father; beginning the sentence with an exclamatory whistle——and so, brother _Toby_, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as ever p—ss’d, and might have done for _Europa_ herself in purer times——had he but two legs less, might have been driven into Doctors Commons and lost his character——which to a Town Bull, brother _Toby_, is the very same thing as his life—— L—d! said my mother, what is all this story about?—— A COCK and a BULL, said _Yorick_——And one of the best of its kind, I ever heard. END OF THE FOURTH VOLUME