The Lives of the Twelve Caesars, Complete
a very splendid marriage for the daughter of his enemy Vitellius, and
gave her, besides, a suitable fortune and equipage. Being in a great
consternation after he was forbidden the court in the time of Nero, and
asking those about him, what he should do? or, whither he should go? one
of those whose office it was to introduce people to the emperor,
thrusting him out, bid him go to Morbonia [756]. But when this same
person came afterwards to beg his pardon, he only vented his resentment
in nearly the same words. He was so far from being influenced by
suspicion or fear to seek the destruction of any one, that, when his
friends advised him to beware of Metius Pomposianus, because it was
commonly believed, on his nativity being cast, that he was destined by
fate to the empire, he made him consul, promising for him, that he would
not forget the benefit conferred.
XV. It will scarcely be found, that so much as one innocent person
suffered in his reign, unless in his absence, and without his knowledge,
or, at least, contrary to his inclination, and when he was imposed upon.
Although Helvidius Priscus [757] was the only man who presumed to salute
him on his return from Syria by his private name of Vespasian, and, when
he came to be praetor, omitted any mark of honour to him, or even any
mention of him in his edicts, yet he was not angry, until Helvidius
proceeded to inveigh against him with the most scurrilous language.
(456) Though he did indeed banish him, and afterwards ordered him to be
put to death, yet he would gladly have saved him notwithstanding, and
accordingly dispatched messengers to fetch back the executioners; and he
would have saved him, had he not been deceived by a false account
brought, that he had already perished. He never rejoiced at the death of
any man; nay he would shed tears, and sigh, at the just punishment of the
guilty.
XVI. The only thing deservedly blameable in his character was his love
of money. For not satisfied with reviving the imposts which had been
repealed in the time of Galba, he imposed new and onerous taxes,
augmented the tribute of the provinces, and doubled that of some of them.
He likewise openly engaged in a traffic, which is discreditable [758]
even to a private individual, buying great quantities of goods, for the
purpose of retailing them again to advantage. Nay, he made no scruple of
selling the great offices of the state to candidates, and pardons to
persons under prosecution, whether they were innocent or guilty. It is
believed, that he advanced all the most rapacious amongst the procurators
to higher offices, with the view of squeezing them after they had
acquired great wealth. He was commonly said, “to have used them as
sponges,” because it was his practice, as we may say, to wet them when
dry, and squeeze them when wet. It is said that he was naturally
extremely covetous, and was upbraided with it by an old herdsman of his,
who, upon the emperor’s refusing to enfranchise him gratis, which on his
advancement he humbly petitioned for, cried out, “That the fox changed
his hair, but not his nature.” On the other hand, some are of opinion,
that he was urged to his rapacious proceedings by necessity, and the
extreme poverty of the treasury and exchequer, of which he took public
notice in the beginning of his reign; declaring that “no less than four
hundred thousand millions of sesterces were wanting to carry on the
government.” This is the more likely to be true, because he applied to
the best purposes what he procured by bad means.
XVII. His liberality, however, to all ranks of people, was excessive.
He made up to several senators the estate required (457) by law to
qualify them for that dignity; relieving likewise such men of consular
rank as were poor, with a yearly allowance of five hundred thousand
sesterces [759]; and rebuilt, in a better manner than before, several
cities in different parts of the empire, which had been damaged by
earthquakes or fires.
XVIII. He was a great encourager of learning and the liberal arts. He
first granted to the Latin and Greek professors of rhetoric the yearly
stipend of a hundred thousand sesterces [760] each out of the exchequer.
He also bought the freedom of superior poets and artists [761], and gave
a noble gratuity to the restorer of the Coan of Venus [762], and to
another artist who repaired the Colossus [763]. Some one offering to
convey some immense columns into the Capitol at a small expense by a
mechanical contrivance, he rewarded him very handsomely for his
invention, but would not accept his service, saying, “Suffer me to find
maintenance for the poor people.” [764]
XIX. In the games celebrated when the stage-scenery of (458) the theatre
of Marcellus [765] was repaired, he restored the old musical
entertainments. He gave Apollinaris, the tragedian, four hundred
thousand sesterces, and to Terpinus and Diodorus, the harpers, two
hundred thousand; to some a hundred thousand; and the least he gave to
any of the performers was forty thousand, besides many golden crowns. He
entertained company constantly at his table, and often in great state and
very sumptuously, in order to promote trade. As in the Saturnalia he
made presents to the men which they were to carry away with them, so did
he to the women upon the calends of March [766]; notwithstanding which,
he could not wipe off the disrepute of his former stinginess. The
Alexandrians called him constantly Cybiosactes; a name which had been
given to one of their kings who was sordidly avaricious. Nay, at his
funeral, Favo, the principal mimic, personating him, and imitating, as
actors do, both his manner of speaking and his gestures, asked aloud of
the procurators, “how much his funeral and the procession would cost?”
And being answered “ten millions of sesterces,” he cried out, “give him
but a hundred thousand sesterces, and they might throw his body into the
Tiber, if they would.”
XX. He was broad-set, strong-limbed, and his features gave the idea of a
man in the act of straining himself. In consequence, one of the city
wits, upon the emperor’s desiring him “to say something droll respecting
himself,” facetiously answered, “I will, when you have done relieving
your bowels.” [767] He enjoyed a good state of health, though he used no
other means to preserve it, than repeated friction, as much (459) as he
could bear, on his neck and other parts of his body, in the tennis-court
attached to the baths, besides fasting one day in every month.
XXI. His method of life was commonly this. After he became emperor, he
used to rise very early, often before daybreak. Having read over his
letters, and the briefs of all the departments of the government offices;
he admitted his friends; and while they were paying him their
compliments, he would put on his own shoes, and dress himself with his
own hands. Then, after the dispatch of such business as was brought
before him, he rode out, and afterwards retired to repose, lying on his
couch with one of his mistresses, of whom he kept several after the death
of Caenis [768]. Coming out of his private apartments, he passed to the
bath, and then entered the supper-room. They say that he was never more
good-humoured and indulgent than at that time: and therefore his
attendants always seized that opportunity, when they had any favour to
ask.
XXII. At supper, and, indeed, at other times, he was extremely free and
jocose. For he had humour, but of a low kind, and he would sometimes use
indecent language, such as is addressed to young girls about to be
married. Yet there are some things related of him not void of ingenious
pleasantry; amongst which are the following. Being once reminded by
Mestrius Florus, that plaustra was a more proper expression than plostra,
he the next day saluted him by the name of Flaurus [769]. A certain lady
pretending to be desperately enamoured of him, he was prevailed upon to
admit her to his bed; and after he had gratified her desires, he gave her
[770] four hundred (460) thousand sesterces. When his steward desired to
know how he would have the sum entered in his accounts, he replied, “For
Vespasian’s being seduced.”
XXIII. He used Greek verses very wittily; speaking of a tall man, who
had enormous parts:
Makxi bibas, kradon dolichoskion enchos;
Still shaking, as he strode, his vast long spear.
And of Cerylus, a freedman, who being very rich, had begun to pass
himself off as free-born, to elude the exchequer at his decease, and
assumed the name of Laches, he said:
----O Lachaes, Lachaes,
Epan apothanaes, authis ex archaes esae Kaerylos.
Ah, Laches, Laches! when thou art no more,
Thou’lt Cerylus be called, just as before.
He chiefly affected wit upon his own shameful means of raising money, in
order to wipe off the odium by some joke, and turn it into ridicule. One
of his ministers, who was much in his favour, requesting of him a
stewardship for some person, under pretence of his being his brother, he
deferred granting him his petition, and in the meantime sent for the
candidate, and having squeezed out of him as much money as he had agreed
to give to his friend at court, he appointed him immediately to the
office. The minister soon after renewing his application, “You must,”
said he, “find another brother; for the one you adopted is in truth
mine.”
Suspecting once, during a journey, that his mule-driver had alighted to
shoe his mules, only in order to have an opportunity for allowing a
person they met, who was engaged in a law-suit, to speak to him, he asked
him, “how much he got for shoeing his mules?” and insisted on having a
share of the profit. When his son Titus blamed him for even laying a tax
upon urine, he applied to his nose a piece of the money he received in
the first instalment, and asked him, “if it stunk?” And he replying no,
“And yet,” said he, “it is derived from urine.”
Some deputies having come to acquaint him that a large statue, which
would cost a vast sum, was ordered to be erected for him at the public
expense, he told them to pay it down immediately, (461) holding out the
hollow of his hand, and saying, “there was a base ready for the statue.”
Not even when he was under the immediate apprehension and peril of death,
could he forbear jesting. For when, among other prodigies, the mausoleum
of the Caesars suddenly flew open, and a blazing star appeared in the
heavens; one of the prodigies, he said, concerned Julia Calvina, who was
of the family of Augustus [771]; and the other, the king of the
Parthians, who wore his hair long. And when his distemper first seized
him, “I suppose,” said he, “I shall soon be a god.” [772]
XXIV. In his ninth consulship, being seized, while in Campania, with a
slight indisposition, and immediately returning to the city, he soon
afterwards went thence to Cutiliae [773], and his estates in the country
about Reate, where he used constantly to spend the summer. Here, though
his disorder much increased, and he injured his bowels by too free use of
the cold waters, he nevertheless attended to the dispatch of business,
and even gave audience to ambassadors in bed. At last, being taken ill
of a diarrhoea, to such a degree that he was ready to faint, he cried
out, “An emperor ought to die standing upright.” In endeavouring to
rise, he died in the hands of those who were helping him up, upon the
eighth of the calends of July [24th June] [774], being sixty-nine years,
one month, and seven days old.
XXV. All are agreed that he had such confidence in the calculations on
his own nativity and that of his sons, that, after several conspiracies
against him, he told the senate, that either his sons would succeed him,