The Lovers Assistant; Or, New Art of Love
Gentlemen think, that Erudition is unnecessary upon this Occasion. It
is well known that the [1]Rules of Art are necessary to the Conduct of
a Ship; for which reason, none but able and experienced Seamen are
preferred to the Command of one. Rules are necessary even to make a
good Coachman, as those Gentlemen who have the Ambition to excel this
way very well know. In the same manner is Art required to drive the
Chariot of Love well. Now it hath pleased _Venus_ to place me in the
Coach-Box: what a Captain is to a Ship, or the Driver to his Chariot,
that am I to Love. I own indeed Master _Cupid_ is a little wild, and
often stubborn; but he is only a Child, and of an Age to be
disciplined: And however fierce the Disposition of a Lad may be, a
judicious Schoolmaster knows very well how to correct it: For many a
Boy who hath afterwards turned out a Hero, hath when at School very
patiently submitted to the Lash, and quietly, at the Word of Command,
held out his Hands to be whipt [2]. Duke _William_ [3] himself, when a
Lad, very possibly submitted to Correction; and he [4] who was
hereafter to become the Terror of his Enemies, might in his Youth have
been afraid of his Tutor. Mr. _Pointz_ was his Preceptor: I am the
Preceptor of Love. Both these Youths were of a fierce Disposition,
both elevated [5] in their Birth. But as the stoutest Ox submits
himself to the Yoke, and the most fiery Horse to the Bridle, so shall
Love to me. Though he may bend his Bow against my Breast, and shake
his Torches at me; no matter: nay, the more he pierces me with his
Arrows, the more he burns me, the more severely will I be revenged of
him.
But here, Master _Apollo_, I will tell no lies to my Readers. I do not
pretend to have received any Inspiration from you, any more than from
Parson _Whitefield_ [6]: And as for Miss _Clio_ [7] and her eight
Sisters, I never visit them; nor have I even a Cap-Acquaintance with
them. I write from Experience only; and _Experto crede Roberto_ is my
Motto. I promise my Readers that I will tell them truth; and if I
must, for form sake, invoke any Muse, _Venus_ herself shall be the
Person [8]. Sweet Goddess! then be thou present, and smile at my
Undertaking. But as for you who cannot smile, I mean you, Prudes, with
your screw'd Faces, which may be considered as Signs hung forth before
the Door of Virtue, and which perhaps, like other Signs, promise what
is not to be found in the House; I desire neither your Favour nor your
Company. Good-natur'd Girls[9] are all I write to; and such I promise
them may read my Works without a Blush.
Know then, my good Scholar, that art unexperienced in the Art of Love,
that this Art consists of three principal Points: First, to select a
proper Mistress: Secondly, to win her Affections: And, Thirdly, to
preserve your mutual Affection. Of all these therefore we will treat;
or, to speak metaphorically, through these three Roads we will drive
the Chariot we have undertaken to guide.
First then as to the Choice of a Mistress, to whom you may say, _In
Thee alone my choice is fixed_. Do not believe such a one will fall
into your Lap. It will become you to look about sharp for her, and
with all your Eyes, I do assure you. And here my first Instruction
shall be, where she may most probably be found: For he is a bad
Huntsman who would beat about the _Royal Exchange_ for a Hare or a
Fox; and not a much better Gunner or Fisherman, who goes a shooting in
_Somerset-Gardens_, or attempts to angle in the magnificent Bason
there. As these all know the Places where their Game resort, so must
you.
Here then, I by no means advise you to make a long Voyage after a
foreign Mistress, as _Perseus_ did, who fetched _Andromeda_[10] from
the _Indies_; or _Paris_, whom nothing would serve but a _Grecian_
Mistress. Your own Country, my Friend, will produce Women which the
World cannot equal. Beauties are as plenty in the City of _London_ as
Apples in[11] _Herefordshire_, or Grains of Wheat[12] in _Hampshire_;
they are indeed as plenty as Fish in the Sea, or Birds in the Air;
nay, the Sky hath not more Stars than _London_ hath Beauties: for
_England_[13], not _Cyprus_, is the Queen of Love's favourite Island.
Whether you love green Fruit, and which is in the Bud only, or Beauty
in its fuller Bloom, or that which is arrived to perfect Ripeness;
nay, if nothing but Wisdom or Sagacity will serve your turn, of these
too Old _England_ will afford you a sufficient Plenty.
In the pleasant Month of _May_, repair to _Vaux-Hall_[14]. Here take
your Evening Walk, either round the verdant Scenes, where
Nightingales, the only Foreigners who give us their Songs for nothing,
warble their most delicious Notes. When your Limbs demand Repose, you
may enjoy it in an Alcove, from whence the embattel'd Troops of
_Venus_ will pass in review before you. Again, the lofty Dome of
_Ranelagh_ invites your Steps. Whether the illustrious Artist took his
Model from that House, which as a Reward for their Industry, or for
some little regard for their Honey, the benevolent Nature of Man hath
conferred on that laborious Animal the Bee: Or whether a more pious
Disposition chose this Form from the musical Instrument which summons
the whole Parish to Church: Or whether the wondrous Force of Genius,
unassisted by any Model, did not of itself strike out this wondrous
Architecture; let _Kent_ or _Benson_ inquire. Hither, from every
Corner of the Town, repair the loveliest Nymphs. Here too thou may'st
survey them, either walking or reposed on Benches at thy Ease. Nor is
the _Mall_ to be neglected, where once die brawny Arm of _Charles_
displayed its Strength, and beat his subtle Courtiers at the Play,
whence it derives its Name. Nor, _Kensington_, must thy Gardens be
passed by, once the Delight of mighty _Caroline_, and to the future
Age a Monument of her Taste. Here the Charmers draw in sweet Air, and
send it forth again in sweeter Sighs, as Tributes to the loved Memory
of that mighty Queen. As for the Ring, formerly the Scene of Beauty's
many Triumphs, it is now become a lonely deserted Place: Brilliants
and brilliant Eyes no longer sparkle there: No more the heedless Beau
falls by the random Glance, or well-pointed Fan. The Ring is now no
more: Yet _Ruckholt_, _Marybone_ and _The Wells_ survive; Places by no
means to be neglected by the Gallant: for Beauty may lurk beneath the
Straw Hat, and _Venus_ often clothes her lovely Limbs in Stuffs. Nay,
the very Courts of Law are not excluded; and the Scenes of Wrangling
are sometimes the Scenes of Love. In that Hall where _Thames_
sometimes overflowing, washes the Temple of _Venus Lucy_, the grave
Serjeant becomes a Victim to the Fair; and he who so well knows how to
defend others, cannot defend himself. Here the Special Pleader loses
all Power to Demurr, and finds beyond his Expectation a novel
Assignment spring up in the Cause. Him _Venus Lucy_[15] laughs at from
her neighbouring Temple; for the Council is now become the Client, and
squeezes an empty Hand harder than he ever did a full one. But above
all, the Theatres are the Place of Sport: for these will be most
fruitful to your Wishes. Here you will find one Object to love, and
another to toy with. Some, of whom a single Touch will suffice, and
others, in whom you will desire a stronger Tenure. Neither do the Ants
in pursuit of Grain, or the Bees in quest of Flowers, swarm in greater
Numbers than the Beauties to the Theatres. The variety of Charmers
here have often distracted my Choice. Hither they come to see, and to
be themselves seen; and many are the Love-Bargains here made.
And now, Friend, I will tell you a Story. _Romulus_ was the first
Person who ever made this use of the Theatre, when he ordered his
Soldiers to fall foul on the _Sabine_ Ladies, whom he invited to a
Play acted by his Command. Not that I would have you think, that
Theatre was like the Playhouse in _Convent-Garden_, enriched with
Scenes, Machines, and other Decorations. To say the truth, it was no
better than a Barn, or Booth. Here he assembled the _Sabine_ Girls,
and ordered his _Romans_ to chuse every Man his Miss. They did so, and
while the poor Girls thought no Harm, those Fellows felt strange
Emotions within. Now while a certain Dancer, called, _The Ludio_, was
performing _a Tambourine_, which I suppose took greatly at that time,
_Romulus_ on a sudden gave the Signal for falling on. This was
instantly obeyed. They all rushed in, laid their Hands upon the Girls,
and soon gave them sufficient Tokens of their Purpose.
As the Doves, who are the most timorous of Birds, fly from Eagles; or
as the young Lamb runs from Wolves, as soon as she sees them, so
terrified were these Ladies, at the Men rushing upon them, in this
unlawful manner. The Colour forsook their Cheeks at once. All were
equally in a Fright, though they discovered their Fear by different
Symptoms. Some of them tear their Hair, others sit in Amazement,
Terror strikes some dumb, others call in vain for the Assistance of
their Mammas. One cries out, another is shocked to death; one stands
still, another endeavours to get out of the House. But all their
Endeavours are vain; and perhaps indeed their Blushes heightened their
Beauty; they were all led off, and those who would not go were
carried. Methinks, I hear one of their Gallants thus addressing his
weeping Fair. _Why, my Dear, will you spoil those lovely Eyes with
Tears? I promise you, you shall be served no worse than your Mother
hath been before. I will only do to you, what your Father did to her._
Ah _Romulus! Romulus!_ no General ever better knew how to reward his
Soldiers; I promise you, that when I hear your Drum beating up for
Voluntiers, I will enlist under your Command.
Ever since that time, the Theatre hath been consecrated to Love, and
many a pretty Girl, since the _Sabines_, hath owed the Loss of her
Maidenhead to it.
Other Places of publick Meeting may likewise be frequented, as Horse
Races[16] and the Like. And especially public Shews, which never fail
of Women. Here get upon a crouded Scaffold, and sit next to the Girl
you like. Squeeze yourself as close to her as you can; for Custom here
countenances such squeezing whether the pretty Creatures will or no.
Here find some Opportunity to begin a Discourse; you will not be
driven to talk upon your Fingers, or by Signs, but may use your
Tongue[B]. Begin then with News, or the Chitchat of the Town. Nay, the
Shew itself will afford a Subject: for instance supposing it was my
Lord Mayor's Shew, you may ask her what Alderman that Coach, or those
Liveries belong to; and be sure to admire the same with herself: Do
not omit moreover, to give her an early Intimation of your Gallantry,
and that you are a Woman's Man. If it should happen that any one of
the Aldermen should be a greater Cuckold than the rest of his
Brethren; take care to titter at his Appearance; and while the
Pageants[17] are passing by, endeavour to find out a Resemblance of
Horns in some of them. All those Things have a remote Tendency to this
great point.
[Note B: These Verses are transposed from the Place in which they
stand in the Original, and this, I think, with Advantage to the
Connection.]
If a Grain of Snuff should happen to fall on the Lady's Bosom, wipe it
off with your Fingers; and if none fall, wipe off that none. Take
every Opportunity to be as officious in her Service as possible. If
she drop her Fan or Gloves, presently take them up; for this you will
have sure Reward in the very Fact, for you may at the same time lift
up her petticoat and see her Legs.
Be careful that the Person who sits behind her doth not press her
tender Back with his Knee. Small Matters captivate light Minds. Many a
Man hath drawn considerable Advantage from handing[18] a Lady to