The Lovers Assistant; Or, New Art of Love
Coach, by gallanting her Fan, or even by taking up her Clog[19].
Nor will[20] _Tower-hill_, when the Tragic Scaffold is strewed with
Saw-Dust, be an improper Place to begin your Intrigue: for _Cupid_
himself always attends, and acts the Part of an Executioner on such
Occasions; many a poor Man having lost his Heart, while he hath
attended to another's losing his Head. While the Fair-One carelessly
laying her Hand on his, argues concerning the Criminal's Guilt, and
offers to lay a Wager that he will die well; the wounded Lover feels a
sudden Stroke, and is not better able to bear the Smart without a
Sigh.
[21]If it was the Custom of _England_ to imitate the _Romans_ in
insulting over the Conquered, what Spectacles might have formerly been
exhibited! How many _French_ Youths and Virgins might have followed
the Chariot-Wheels of our Monarchs! In that Cafe many a poor
_English_ Heart must have submitted to a _French_ Conquest, and Beauty
would have been triumphant in Chains. Nay, I prophesy we shall again
see those victorious Times. Our Mighty GEORGE now meditates new
Triumphs, and _France_[22] shall be punished as she ought. Rejoice, O
ye Shades[23], whose Bodies lie buried in the Plains of _Fontenoy_,
where _British_ Colours were polluted by _Gallic_ Hands. WILLIAM your
Avenger comes. The General in him shone forth in his first Campaign,
and while a Youth, he managed War beyond his Years. Let not his Age
therefore deter us from ranking him among our greatest Commanders. His
Warlike Genius springs forth and outruns his Years, impatient of the
sluggish Pace of Time. The _Swedish Charles_[24] was scarce beyond a
Child when he crushed two mighty enemies at once; _Charles_[25] the
_German_ Prince, yet but a Youth, what was he when he past the _Rhine_
and terrified the Host of _France_? Thy Father's Genius, WILLIAM, and
his Courage, shall inspire thy youthful Arms. With that Genius and
that Courage shalt thou conquer. Such Beginnings dost thou owe to the
mighty Name of thy illustrious Sire; that thou who art the Noblest of
all young Commanders mayst hereafter become the first among the old.
'Tis time to avenge the Injuries attempted to thy House, and to
maintain thy glorious Father's Rights. Thy Country's Father and thy
own, girts on thy Sword, and thy Cause is no less glorious than thy
Arms. In both is _France_ inferiour, and to both shall yield. I
prophesy, that thou shalt conquer, and to thy Conquest I dedicate my
votive Prayers, prepared hereafter to resound thy Praise; when we
shall see thee, most lovely Prince, returning, thy Glories far
outshining the Gold in which thou art attired. Thee shall Crouds of
Youths and beauteous Virgins hail from their crouded Windows as thou
passest, and universal Joy shall overspread each _British_ Face on
that Blest Day.
If then, my Scholar, thou shouldst happen to be placed in a Window
near some lovely Girl, who, fired with the Glories of the young
Conqueror, should enquire into all his matchless Labours[26], his
Wound at _Dettingen_; his Danger and Intrepidity at _Fontenoy_; his
Toils at home, in defiance of Cold and Fatigue; his Pursuit to
_Carlisle_; his Victory at _Culloden_; and many more which will then
be as well known; repeat all if thou canst, and if thy Memory fails,
go on nevertheless: for Invention cannot here outdo the Reality, and
thy Fictions shall recommend thee equal with Truth to her Ears.
Again, when thou dost sit down at table among the Women, thou may'st
reap other Pleasures besides those of Wine: For, to speak
figuratively, _Cupid_ with glowing Cheeks often presses the Horns of
_Bacchus_ in his tender Arms; and the Wings of the little God of Love
being wetted with Wine, he is unable to fly off: And if he happens to
shake his wet Wings, he may possibly sprinkle the Bosom of your
Mistress with Love.
In more intelligible Language, Wine fills our Minds with Courage, and
makes them susceptible of other warm Passions. Care flies away, and is
dissolved in much Liquor. Then comes Laughter, the poor Man becomes
bold, and Grief and Solicitude, and knitted Brows vanish. Then it is
that Simplicity, a rare Virtue in our Age, opens our Hearts, Wine
having divested us of Cunning. At this Season, many a watchful young
Fellow hath gained the Heart of his Mistress[27]. And Love hath sprung
from Wine, as the Flame doth from Fire.
However, do not confide too much at this time to the Light of a
Candle: for Night and Wine obstruct us in forming a true Judgment of
Beauty. _Paris_ beheld the Goddesses in open Daylight, when he gave
the Preference to _Venus_. Indeed by Candle-light, and in a Side-Box,
almost every one is a Beauty: Jewels, Clothes, and Women, are all best
discerned by the Light of the Sun.
And here if I should recount all the rural Haunts in which a Lover may
find his Game, I might write more Volumes than _Oldmixon_,
_Tunbridge_, and _Scarborough_, and _Cheltenham_, and _Holt_, and many
other Places shall be therefore omitted; but, Bath[28], thy sulphurous
Waters must not be past by. Hence Master _Dapperwit_ bringing home the
Wounds made by fair Eyes in his Bosom, cries out, on his Return, _The
Waters are not so wholesome as they are reported; I have received more
Harm than Good at the Place_.
Here rises the Temple[29] of the God (CNASH) whose Walls are hung
round with the Portraits of Beauties. The Apotheosis of this God hath
cost many a poor Man his Heart.
Thus far, my Scholar, I have endeavoured to instruct thee in what
Places thou art to hunt for thy Game, and where to spread thy Net. I
will now proceed to shew thee by what Means Puss is to be taken, when
you have found her Sitting.
_Mind all_, as my old Schoolmaster used to say; for I assure you my
instructions will be worthy the Attention of both the Great Vulgar and
the Small.
My first Lesson then is: Be confident. Believe every Woman is to be
come at. Do but spread your Net, and I warrant she runs into it.
Sooner shall the Birds be silent in the Spring, or the Frogs in the
Winter: Sooner shall the Greyhound run away from the Hare, than a
Woman shall resist the Youth who gently assails her. Though she skrews
up her Face ever so demurely, she will at length yield to his
Persuasions.
A dark Corner is as agreeable to a Girl, as to one of us, though we
cannot so well dissemble our Desires as she can; but if we should once
enter into a Confederacy against the Sex to leave off courting them,
they would soon begin to act the Part of Lovers, and come a wooing to
us.
And what is this but a natural Affection, common to the Females of
every other Species, who often make love to the Males? And give me
leave to tell the Ladies, that we are more able to command our
Affections, nor are our Desires so furious, and exceeding all Bounds,
as theirs.
The Story of _Byblis_[30] is too well known to be related, who being
in love with her Brother, punished her Crime with her own Hands, and
hanged herself in her Garters.
Miss _Myrrha_[31] loved her Papa with an Affection improper for a
Daughter; for which she was turned into a Tree. I do assure you the
Story is true; and the Tree now drops continual Tears for her Offence,
which we use as a Perfume; and they retain the Lady's Name.
In the shady Valleys of _Ida_[32], there was a white Bull, which was
the Glory of the Farmer to whom he belonged. This Bull had a beautiful
black Speck between his Horns, all the rest of his Body being as white
as Milk. With him the _Gnossian_ and _Cydonian_ Heifers were all in
love, and eagerly longed to be embraced by him in the tenderest manner
in which Bulls embrace the Fair Sex of Cows. _Pasiphae_, I am very
sorry to say it, conceived a Passion worse, if possible, than that of
Mrs. _Mary Hamilton_, for this Bull. Lady ---- is not more envied in
the Drawing-Room than was every handsome Heifer by this unfortunate
Woman. The Story is so well known that there is not a Freethinker[33]
in the Age who can refuse his Credit to it, though they believe
nothing which they cannot see and account for. This poor Girl is
reported to have mowed the sweetest Grass with her own Hands for her
beloved Bull. She likewise wandered about among the Cows, without the
least Regard to Mr. Alderman. _Minos_ her Husband; for a Bull had
totally supplanted him in her Esteem. Alas! _Pasiphae_, to what
purpose are the brocaded Petticoats? Your Gallant is not sensible of
your Finery. Why do you consult your Looking-Glass, in order to pursue
the Mountain-Herds? Or why with so much Art do you set your _Tete_? If
you will consult your Glass, let it inform you you are no Heifer. Ah!
how desirous are you to have those Horns on your own Forehead, which
you intend to graft on your Husband's! It would be better to preserve
your Virtue, and be constant to the Alderman, if you can like him: But
if you must make a Cuckold of him, do it at least with a young Fellow.
No; nothing but a Bull will suffice. She leaves the Alderman's House,
and flies away to the Groves and Mountains. To say the truth, I
believe she used to drink away her Senses; and that is the best Excuse
for her. Ah! how often hath she cast a jealous Eye on some Heifer! and
cried out, _Why should that vixen please my Love? Behold, says she,
how the Slut dances a Minuet on the Grass before him: Let me die, but
she is silly enough to think her Airs become her in my Love's Eyes._
At length she resolved to punish her Rivals. One Heifer she ordered
barbarously to be yoked to the Plough; another she condemned to be
sacrificed, and held the Entrails of the poor Victim in her Hand with
all the insulting Triumph of a Rival: _Now_, says she, having the
Entrails in her Hand, _now go and make yourself agreeable to my Dear_.
At one time she wishes to be _Europa_[34], at another _Io_: for one of
these was herself the Wife of a Bull, and the other made her Horse of
one.
Filled with these Thoughts, she contrived the strangest Method of
compleating her Desires. She sent for a Joiner of great Ingenuity, and
ordered him to make her a large Cow of Wood. Into this she conveyed
herself, and thus deceived Master Bull into her Embraces.
She conceived by this monstrous Coition, and brought forth an
Offspring, which by his partaking equally of the human and taurine
Form, betrayed her horrid Passion.
If the _Cretan_ Lady[35] had abstained from the Love of _Thyestes_,
(O! how Women disdain Constancy to their Husbands!) the Sun had not
stopt in the middle of his Career, and turned about his Face to the
East, that he might avoid the bloody Banquet. God be praised! the
Cuckolds of our Age are not so bloody in their Revenge.
The Daughter of _Nisus_[36], who stole her Papa's Hair, feeds hungry
Dogs in those Parts which first set her a longing for _Minos_.
_Agamemnon_, after returning safe from so many bloody Campaigns, and
from the dangerous Seas which he crossed, fell at last a dreadful
Victim to the Whore his Wife[37].
Who hath not wept at the sad Story of _Creusa_? consumed by the Flames
of a Sorceress, who afterwards drenched her Hands in the Blood of her
own Children[38].
_Phoenix_[39], the Son of _Amyntor_, hath often paid many a Tear for
his Amours, though he had not the wretched Fate of _Hippolytus_[40],
to be torn in pieces by wild Horses.
And thou, O _Phineus_[41]! why dost thou indulge that Jade _Harpalice_
by digging out the Eyes of thy Children? Believe me, Divine Vengeance
will hereafter inflict the same Punishment on thyself.
All these have been the Effects of Women's raging Desires, which are
so much more violent and mad than ours.
Come on then, and doubt not the Conquest of any Girl whatever: there
is not one in a thousand who will deny you.
And even those who will deny you, love to be put to the Question; if