The Lovers Assistant; Or, New Art of Love
you are disappointed therefore, your Repulse will be attended with no
Danger.
But why should you apprehend any Disappointment, when every new Amour
pleases them, and they all hanker after the Lovers and Husbands of
other Women?
This I am afraid is too natural in all things. The Corn in our
Neighbour's Field seems always to flourish beyond our own, and we
think our own Cow gives less Milk than his.
However, before you attack any Lady, make first sure of her Maid; for
she will pave the Way to your Addresses.
If the Lady have many Females about her Person, take care to secure
her who is most in the Confidence of her Mistress; and who will
faithfully betray to you all her private Conversation.
When you have found this Confidant out, corrupt her with Promises and
Intreaties; for she can soon bring you to the End of your Desires, if
she pleases.
Let her watch the Opportunity, (Physicians will tell you the Use of
attending proper Seasons) when the Mind of your Mistress is easy, and
apt for your Purpose.
This Season, I apprehend, is when she is in the best Humour; for Love
then becomes luxuriant in her Mind, as Corn doth in a rich Soil.
When the Heart is full of Gladness, and bound up by no Vexation, it
is open; and then the Compliments of a Lover will easily find an
Admission.
Remember, _Troy_ was defended while it remained in a sullen Mood, and
opened its Gates to the armed Horse, when it was full of Good-Humour,
and drunk with Joy.
Yet every Vexation should not deter you; for if your Mistress should
be uneasy at the Falshood of her Husband, then is a proper time to
attack her, and to assist her in revenging the Injury.
When your Mistress is in this Humour, let _Abigail_ while combing her
Hair at the Toilette in a Morning, stir her up to Vengeance. This will
under-hand promote your Voyage; for while you openly manage your
Sails, she works under the Water with her Oars.
Now let Abigail with a soft Sigh mutter to her self: _Ah! poor Lady, I
am afraid it is not in your power alone to revenge your Husband's
Perfidy!_
Then let her introduce a Discourse of you; let her say something in
your Favour, and swear that you are gone distracted and dying for
Love.
But no Time must be lost; lest the Passions she hath raised should
again subside; and Resentment intervene by Delay, and freeze up her
Love as Ice doth Water.
And here perhaps you will ask a Question, Whether it is prudent to
kiss the Agent herself. This is not easy to answer: for it is a mere
Cast of the Dye, whether you succeed the better of the worse for it.
One Woman is by Enjoyment made a more industrious Solicitor, another
becomes just the reverse. One thinks of procuring the Pleasures she
hath tasted for her Mistress, another of securing them herself.
The Event is doubtful; and though she may be easy enough to be had, my
Advice is, abstain from the Confidant; for I will not imitate the
Empyric in striking bold Strokes; nor will I lead my Scholars over a
Precipice. I give no Advice but what is safe, nor shall any Youth by
following my Precepts run himself into _Rosamond's Pond_.
If therefore the Girl who goes between you and your Mistress, pleases
you in her Person as well as in her Diligence; enjoy the Mistress
first, and the Maid falls of course; but never begin with the latter.
One thing however I must admonish you, (if my Art deserves any
Credit, and my Words are to be regarded as any thing better than Wind)
EITHER NEVER ATTEMPT THE CONFIDANT, OR GO THOROUGH STITCH WITH HER:
for by making her _particeps criminis_ you take away her Evidence.
This Doctrine you may learn from all other Sportsmen: for if a Bird
escapes with Birdlime on his Wings, or a Boar breaks through the
Toils, or a Fish gets off from the Hook; they are all sure to alarm
their Companions, and spoil the Sport of the Fowler, the Hunter, or
the Fisher. If once therefore you attempt her, press her to it with
all your Vigour, and never leave her till you have enjoyed her.
For when once she is involved in the same Guilt with yourself, you are
sure she will not betray you. Nay, you may be assured further, that
she will betray every Word and Action of her Mistress to you.
But take particular care not to blab any of the Secrets she discloses
to you: for while her Mistress hath no Suspicion of her Confidant, she
will be able to lay her entirely open to your Knowledge.
And now, to resume that Matter, believe me, he is deceived, who thinks
that none but the Farmer and Mariner are obliged to regard the Season:
for as it is not proper at all times to commit the Corn to the
fallacious Fields, nor to trust your Vessel at all times to the green
Ocean; so neither is it always safe to attack a tender Girl, for she
will be taken at one time who will resist at another. If it be for
instance her Birth-day[42], perhaps, her Grandmother hath instructed
her to be particularly cautious on that day; so if it be the Day of
the Week on which _Childermas_ hath happened to fall that Year; or
King _Charles's_ Martyrdom: defer the attack at all such Seasons. For
to speak in Sea-Language, then is dirty Weather[43], then it blows a
Hurricane; and if you weigh Anchor at that Season, you will be scarce
able to keep your keel downwards.
Above all avoid your Mistress's Birth-day; nor will it be more prudent
in you to visit her first on the Morning of _Valentine's_ Day[44], you
will pay more for being her Valentine than it is worth. Indeed all
Seasons which give them any Hint of receiving Presents should be
carefully avoided: for be never so cautious and sneaking, have it of
you she will. They all very well know the Art of squeezing a Lover who
longs to squeeze them.
Mr.[C] _Deards_ will make his Appearance in his Silk Night-Gown, and
unbundle his Packet in your Presence. The Lady will then desire you
to look over his Trinkets, (she can do no less, you know, in
Compliment to your Taste:) then she will make you a Present of a Kiss,
and afterwards desire you to buy it.
[Note C: An eminent Joyner in _London_.]
"I promise you, my Dear," says she, "if you will but buy me this
single Jewel, I will not ask another of you the Lord knows how long;
but I have really a present Occasion for this, and besides it is the
cheapest Thing I ever saw."
If you pretend to have no Money about you, the Answer is, O, my Dear,
you may give your Note: Mr. _Deards_ will take your Note. So that you
may repent having learnt to write your Name. Then she adds, _O la, I
had almost forgot, it is my Birth-day, I am sure you will make me a
Present on my Birth-day_: for they can be born every Day in the Year
to serve their Purpose. Or else she pretends to have lost a Drop from
her Ear-Ring; this Loss makes her miserable, and sure, says she, _if
you loved me, you would repair that Loss_.
Nay, some are not so honest as to desire a Present, they only borrow;
but they are sure never to restore. By this Means you lose the Thing,
without having the Merit of bestowing it.
In short, if I had ten Mouths, with ten Tongues in each, all would not
suffice to display all the Arts by which Harlots pick the Pockets of
their Cullies.
Begin then your Amour with an Epistle; let that break the Ice for you,
and make the first Discovery of your Flame.
In this you may insert all your little Blandishments, and Expressions
of Fondness, nor be ashamed, however high your Quality is, to add the
strongest Entreaties.
Remember that many a Rebel's Son hath had his Life spared at the
Supplication of his Father; nay, the Wrath of Heaven itself is often
averted by Prayer.
It is moreover my Advice to you, to be liberal of your Promises; for
what Injury can you receive by Promising? This is a Treasure in which
any Man may be rich.
Nor can your Mistress complain that she is absolutely cheated, if you
can bring her to believe your Promises. A lifely Faith hath supported
many a Man for a long Time: For though our Faith may sometimes deceive
us, it is however a great and commodious Virtue.
Beware of giving: For when once your Mistress hath the Present in her
Clutches, she may answer jilting you to her Prudence. She hath gained
at least what she is in possession of, and cannot be said to have lost
any thing by the Bargain.
On the contrary, keep her still in Expectation. Seem always about to
give, but never part with a Shilling: For in this Manner doth a barren
Soil often deceive its Owner. Thus, that he may not be a Loser, the
Gamester pushes on his ill Luck, and one flattering Throw makes him
eager to have the Box again in his Hands.
Indeed the great Business is to enjoy your Mistress before she hath
touched you. If she once yield to you gratis, she will continue to
bestow her Favours still gratis, in Hopes of being at last rewarded
for all her past Favours.
Epistolize therefore first; flatter and sooth her with tender Lines.
Let these probe her Mind, and open the Way for your Addresses.
You know the Story of _Cydippe_[45], who was outwitted by a Letter
inclosed in an Apple; by which Means she was made to speak Words she
never intended.
I would advise the young Gentlemen of the _Temple_, to study the Arts
of Persuasion, on other Accounts, besides that of defending
Sheep-stealers at an Assizes: For a pretty Girl may be as easily
captivated by Eloquence, as a Judge or Jury; and surely she is a much
nobler Prize.
But here conceal your Art, and do not carry your Eloquence in your
Face: And above all Things, beware of hard Words; for who but an empty
Coxcomb ever made a verbose Declamation to his Mistress? By such
Methods you may raise her Abhorrence more probably than her Love.
Let your Passion appear credible, and disclose it in easy and common
Language; it may be as tender and warm as you please; but preserve the
Stile of Conversation.
If she should not receive your Letter, but send it back unopened, hope
for better Success another Time, and maintain your Purpose.
Time brings the Stubborn Steer to bend his Neck to the Yoke, and the
Horse to endure the Bridle.
Iron Bonds and Ploughshares are worn out by constant Use. What is
harder than a Rock? or what is softer than Water? And yet hard Rocks
are hollowed by soft Water.
_Penelope_ herself in Time might have been conquered. You see _Troy_,
though it defended itself so long, was however taken at last.
If she reads your Letters, but is unwilling to answer them, do not
attempt to compel her. If she but reads your Fondness, it is
sufficient.
If she will read, in Time she will answer what she reads. All these
Matters will be brought about in their own good Time.
Perhaps the first Answer she sends you will be a cruel one, and may
desire you to quit all future Solicitations.
She fears to be taken at her Word, and hopes you will not grant her
Request. Follow her, and in Time you will obtain your Wishes.
If you meet her Chair, and the Curtains should be drawn, approach it
as it were by Accident; and when you discover her there, whisper
something tender in her Ear; but whisper softly, lest the Chairman, or
any other impertinent Person, should over-hear you.
When she walks in the _Mall_, dangle after her, and interrupt her Walk
with your Conversation.
Here you will have an Opportunity of seeing her Shape, and shewing her
yours, by sometimes walking behind, and sometimes before her.
But for the most Part keep even pace with her, whether she trips along
briskly, or only saunters.
Sometimes she will take a longer Walk, as far perhaps as the second or
Third Stone. Hither follow her, and take every Opportunity of getting
up close to her Side.
Never let her go to the Play without attending her: No Matter what the
Play is, she will bring sufficient Entertainment for you with her.