The Lovers Assistant; Or, New Art of Love
Here keep your Eyes always intent on her only, and admire every Thing
about her. By your Eyes, and by Signs, you may inform her of many
Things.
Be sure to applaud greatly any amorous wanton Dance; and be no less
favourable to those Scenes where the Business of Love is transacted,
and almost brought to a Conclusion on the Stage: Many of which occur
in _Congreve_, _Vanbrugh_, and _Wycherly_.
If she rises between the Acts, rise also; if she sits, as sometimes
Ladies do, to express their Contempt for the Audience, do you likewise
keep your Seat. In a Word, conduct yourself entirely according to her
Example and Pleasure.
Now with regard to your Person: Do not imitate some finical _Petit
Matre_ in his _Toupet_, much less in more detestable Effeminacies.
Tuck your Hair rather under your Hat, like the rough Fox-hunter, who
traverses Hill and Dale to the Musick of the Horn.
A careless Air in Dress becomes a Man. Colonel _Theseus_[46] carried
off Miss _Ariadne_ in a Campaign Wig without a single Curl in it.
In the same Manner did Captain _Hippolytus_ march off with Miss
_Phaedra_, though his Shock Head of Hair never had any Powder in it:
nay, Lady _Venus_ herself chose young _Jack Adonis_ in a Jockey Coat
and Buckskin Breeches.
Cleanliness however is agreeable: Let your Face be burnt with the Sun;
but let your Cloaths be well made, and without a Spot on them.
Wash your Mouth, and clean your Teeth often; let your Beard be close
shaved, and your Nails short and free from Dirt.
Observe these Documents, and leave all other Niceties to the Women,
and to Men who desire to supply their Places.
But now _Bacchus_ summons his Poet. He likewise assists Lovers, and
favours the Flame which warms himself.
The _Cretan_ Lady having jumped out of Bed in a raving Fit, wandered
on the foreign Shore of _Dia_. She had nothing on but a loose wrapping
Gown, without Stockings or Cap: and her Hair hung dishevelled over her
Shoulders. She complained of the Cruelty of _Theseus_ to the deep
Waves, whilst an unworthy Shower of Tears ran down her Cheeks. She
wept, and lamented aloud, and both became her; nor did her Tears
diminish her Beauty. Once, and again, she beat her delicious Breasts
with her Hands, and cried aloud, _The perfidious Man hath abandoned
me; What will become of poor _Ariadne_? What will become of poor
_Ariadne_?_ On a sudden a vast Multitude was heard, while many Kinds
of strange Instruments, like those of the miserable Masons,
accompanied the Voices. The poor Lady sunk with Fear; and suppressed
her last Words; nor did the least Blood remain in her Countenance. And
now behold the _Bacchanalian_ Women, with their Hair about their Ears,
and the light Satyrs, who are always Forerunners of the God. Behold
old Master _Silenus_[47] as drunk as a Piper, riding on an Ass, which
he is hardly able either to sit or guide. The old Gentleman,
endeavouring to follow the _Bacchanalians_, who fly from him and
towards him, sets Spurs to his Ass, which being a vicious Beast,
kicked up, and threw him over his Ears: upon which all the Satyrs set
up a loud Shout, crying out, _Rise, Father, rise and be d----nd to
you_. And now the God himself, high mounted on his Four-Wheel Chaise,
the Top of which was adorned with Grapes, and which he drove himself,
flung his Golden Reins over the Backs of his Pair of Tygers. Poor
_Ariadne's_ Colour forsook her Cheeks, and _Theseus_ and her Voice at
once deserted her Lips. Thrice she attempted to fly, and thrice being
retained, she grew stiff with Fear, and stood trembling as Corn waves
in the Field, or Reeds on the River Bank, when fanned by the Wind. To
whom the God; _Behold, Madam, a more faithful Lover at your Feet: Fear
nothing, Lady fair, you shall be the Wife of _Bacchus_. The Sky shall
be your Dowry, where shining in a bright Constellation, by the Name of
_Ariadne's_ Crown, you shall often direct the doubtful Mariner's
Passage._ He said; and leaping from his Chariot, lest _Ariadne_ should
be afraid of the Tygers, the Sand sunk under the Weight of his Feet;
and catching her instantly in his Arms, he carried her, who was
incapable of scratching, directly off; (for every Thing, we know, is
in the Power of a Deity:) And now, whilst Part of his Train sing the
_Hymenaeum_, and other cry _Evie Evoe_, two very mysterious Words, and
full of Masonry, the God and his new-ravished Bride go together,
between a Pair of sacred Sheets.
Whenever therefore you happen to be in Company with a pretty Girl over
a Bottle, pray heartily to _Bacchus_, and invoke his nocturnal Rites,
that the Wine may not get into your Head. You may now take an
Opportunity to toast some Nymph by a fictitious Name, of whom you may
say an hundred amorous Things; all which, with the least Assistance,
she will readily apply to herself. Double Entendres likewise may be
used. You may moreover draw certain Figures in Wine on the Table; and
after having spoken of your Mistress in the third Person, you may take
this Method of writing her Name, and convincing her, that she herself
is the Goddess.
But let your gloating Eyes inform her of your Passion: for an
expressive Countenance often finds both Words and Utterance.
When she drinks, receive the Cup from her; and let her see you
industrious to find out the Place before pressed by her Lips; and then
drink eagerly at the same.
And whatever Part of the Meat she shall touch with her Fingers, do not
fail to give the Preference to that: if in catching at it, you touch
her Hand into the Bargain, it is the better.
But above all Things, let it be your Endeavour to please her Keeper,
if she have any: For to make a Friend of him will be very useful to
you both.
When you are at Table, let him be always helped first, and to the most
elegant Tid-Bit; and when you drink together, offer him always the
Place of Toast-maker; whether he be your Inferiour or your Equal, let
him always choose before you, and be not ashamed to trowel him well
over with Flattery.
It is a safe and common Way to deceive under Pretence of Friendship; I
must own, however safe and common it is, it is not altogether
blameless.
This is indeed a Dishonesty not very unlike that of a Major Domo, who
under the Colour of Friendship empties your Cellars of your Wine, by
pushing the Bottle further than is necessary.
Now to fix a certain Stint to your Cups, I allow you never to drink
till your Head becomes giddy, and your Feet begin to totter.
Beware of Quarrels, which are often occasioned by Wine. Let not your
Hands be too ready to strike in your Cups.
Remember the old Story of the Wedding of _Pyrothous_[48] and many more
where drunken Fools by being quarrelsome in their Liquor have come
short home. A Drinking Bout is in Reality a properer Scene for Joke
and Mirth, than for Fighting.
I proceed to other Lessons[49]. If you have a Voice, then sing; if you
have handsome Legs, cut Capers, or slide into the Minuet Step. In
short, endeavour to please your Mistress, by exerting those Talents in
which Nature hath given you to excel.
Now, as real Drunkenness may be hurtful to you, so you may sometimes
reap Advantages by pretending yourself in Liquor, by Stammering or
Lisping a little slyly: For then if you should descend to some
Expressions of the grosser Kind, it will be imputed to your having
taken a Cup too much.
Drink Bumpers to the Health of your Mistress, and of the Gentleman
with whom she is obliged to sleep; but I do not insist on your being
extremely sincere on this Occasion: for you may heartily wish him
hanged at the same Time, if you please.
When the Company rises to go away, there is always a Confusion in the
Room, of which you may take Advantage. You may then creep close up to
your Mistress, may perhaps palm her, and gently tread on her Toes.
Whenever you have an Opportunity of speaking to her privately, be not
bashful like a Country Boobily Squire. Remember Fortune and Love both
favour the Bold.
I do not intend to lay down any Rules for your Oratory on this
Occasion. Do but begin boldly, and you will be Eloquent of course: Set
this only before you, that you are to act the Part of a Lover, to talk
of Wounds and Darts, and Dying and Despair, and all that, as Mr.
_Bayes_ says: For if you can once make her believe you are in Love,
your Business is done. To create therefore this Faith in her, you
must employ every Art of which you are Master.
Nor is this indeed so difficult a Task: For every Woman believes
herself to be the Object of Love; be she never so ugly, she is still
amiable in her own Eye.
Sometimes indeed no Deceit is in the End put on the Woman, for her
pretended Lover becomes often a real one, and is the very Creature
which he before personated.
And by the Way, young Ladies, let me tell you this is no small
Encouragement to you, to countenance such Pretences; for if you manage
well, you may often inspire a Man with Love in Earnest, while he is
endeavouring to impose a fictitious Passion upon you.
But to return to my Scholars. Flatter with all your Might: for the
Mind is taken as it were by Stealth, by Flattery, even as the Bank
which hangs over a River is undermined by the liquid Waves.
Never be weary therefore of commending her Face, or her Hair; her
taper Arm, or her pretty little Foot.
The chastest Matrons are fond of hearing the Praises of their Beauty;
and the purest Virgins make the Charms of their Persons at once their
Business and their Pleasure.
What else is meant by that ancient Fable of _Juno_ and _Pallas_, whom
the _Greek_ Poets represent as yet ashamed of the Conquest obtained by
_Venus_.
This Vanity seems to extend itself to Animals, in many of which we may
observe some Traces of it.
The peacock, if you seem to admire her, spreads forth her Golden
Plumes, which she never displays to an indifferent Spectator.
The Race-Horse, while he is running for a Plate, enjoys the Beauties
of his well-combed Mane, and gracefully turned Neck.
Secondly, to Flattery, add Promises, and those not timorous nor
sneaking ones. If a Girl insists upon a Promise of Marriage, give it
her, and bind it by many Oaths[D]; for no Indictment lies for this
sort of Perjury.
The Antients vented horrid Impieties on this Occasion, and introduced
_Jupiter_ shaking his Sides at the Perjuries of Lovers, and ordering
the Winds to puff them away: Nay, he is said to have forsworn himself
even by _Styx_ to _Juno_: and therefore, say they, he encourages Men
to follow his Example.
[Note D: This is the most exceptionable Passage in the whole Work. We
have endeavoured to soften it as much as possible; but even as it now
stands, we cannot help expressing Detestation of this Sentiment, which
appears shocking even in a Heathen Writer.]
But though a Christian must not talk in this Manner, yet I believe it
may be one of those Sins which the Church of _Rome_ holds to be
venial, or rather venal.
I would here by no Means be suspected of Infidelity or Profaneness. It
is necessary there should be a God; and therefore we must believe
there is; nay, we must worship him: For he doth not possess himself in
that indolent State in which the Deities of _Epicurus_ are depictured.
If we live innocent Lives, we may depend on the Care of his
Providence.
Restore faithfully whatever is deposited in your Hands: Be just in all
your Contracts: Avoid all Kind of Fraud, and be not polluted with
Blood. A wise Man will be a Rogue only among the Girls: For in all
other Articles a Gentleman will be ashamed of breaking his Word.
And what is this more than deceiving the Deceivers? The Sex are for
the greatest Part Impostors; let them therefore fall in the Snares
which they have spread for others.
Perhaps you have never read the Justice of _Busiris_; when Egypt was