The Lovers Assistant; Or, New Art of Love
burnt up Nine Years together for want of Rain, one _Thrasius_ a
Foreigner came to Court, and being introduced to the King by
_Clementius Cotterelius_, he acquainted his Majesty, that _Jupiter_
was to be propitiated by the Blood of a Stranger. The King Answered
him, _Then thou thyself shalt be the first Victim, and with thy
foreign Blood shalt give Rain to Egypt_.
To the same Purpose is the Story of _Phalaris_, who roasted the Limbs
of _Perillus_ in his own Bull: Thus making Proof of the Goodness of
the Work by the Torments of the unhappy Maker.
Now there was great Justice in both these Examples; for nothing can be
more equitable than that the Inventers of Cruelty should perish by
their own Art.
To apply this to our present Purpose: As there is no Deceit or Perjury
which Women will stick at putting in use against us, let them lament
the Consequence of their own Examples.
Thirdly, Tears are of great Service. The Proverb tells you, _Tears
will move Adamant_. If you can bring it about therefore, let your
Mistress see your Cheeks a little blubbered upon Occasion.
If Tears should refuse to come (as they sometimes will) an Onion in
your Handkerchief will be of great use.
Fourthly, Kisses. What Lover of any Sense doth not mix Kisses with his
tender Expressions! Perhaps she will not give them easily: No Matter,
take them without her Leave.
Perhaps she will scratch, and say you are rude: Notwithstanding her
Scratches, she will be pleased with your getting the better.
Do this, however, in so gentle a Manner, that you may not hurt her
tender Lips; nor let her complain of being scrubbed with your Beard.
Now when you have proceeded to Kisses, if you proceed no farther, you
may well be called unworthy of what you have hitherto obtained. When
you was at her Lips, how near was you to your Journey's End! If
therefore you stop there, you rather deserve the Name of a bashful
'Squire than of a modest Man.
The Girls may call this perhaps Violence; but it is a Violence
agreeable to them: For they are often desirous of being pleased
against their Will: For a Woman taken without her Consent,
notwithstanding her Frowns, is often well satisfied in her Heart, and
your Impudence is taken as a Favour; whilst she who, when inclined to
be ravished, hath retreated untouched, however she may affect to
smile, is in reality out of Humour.
Ravishing is indeed out of Fashion in this Age; and therefore I am at
a Loss for modern Examples; but antient Story abounds with them.
Miss[50] _Phoebe_ and her Sister were both ravished, and both were
well pleased with the Men who ravished them.
Though the Story of _Deidamia_ was formerly in all the _Trojan_
News-Papers, yet my Reader may be pleased to see it better told.
_Venus_ had now kept her Word to _Paris_, and given him the Beauty she
had promised, not as a Bribe, but as a Gratification for his having
made an Award in her Favour, in the famous Cause between _Juno_ and
others against _Venus_, in _Trover_ for a Golden Apple; which was
referred to him at the Assizes at _Ida_.
_Paris_, every one knows, no sooner had received Mrs. _Helen_, than he
immediately carried her off to his Father's Court.
Upon this the _Grecians_ entered into an Association; and several
Noblemen raised Regiments at their own Expence, out of their Regard to
the Public: For Cuckoldom was a public Cause, no one knowing whose
Turn it would be next.
Lieutenant-General _Achilles_, who was to command a large Body of
Grenadiers, which the _Greeks_ call _Myrmidons_, did not behave
handsomely on that Occasion, though he got off afterwards at a
Court-Martial by pleading, that his Mother (who had a great deal in
her own Power) had insisted on his acting the Part he did; for, I am
ashamed to say, he dressed himself in Women's Clothes, and hid himself
at the House of one _Lycomedes_, a Man of good Fortune in those parts.
_Fie upon it, General, I am ashamed to see you sit quilting among the
Girls; a Sword becomes your Hands much better than a Needle._
_What can you mean by that Work-Basket in a Hand by which Count
_Hector_ is to fall? Do you carry that Basket with you to put his Head
in?_
_For Shame then, cast away your Huswife, and all those effeminate
Trinkets from a Fist able to wield _Harry_ the Fifth's Sword._
It happened, that at the same Time when the General, at the House of
'Squire _Lycomedes_, performed this Feat, Miss _Deidamia_, one of the
Maids of Honour, was visiting at the same Place. This young Lady soon
discovered that the General was a Man; for indeed he got her
Maidenhead.
He ravished her, that is the Truth on't; that a Gentleman ought to
believe, in Favour of the Lady: But he may believe the Lady was
willing enough to be ravished at the same Time.
When the General threw away his Needle, and grasped the Armour, (you
must remember the Story, for it was in the _Trojan Alamain_) the young
Lady began to change her Note, and to hope he would not forsake her
so.
_Ah! little _Mia_! is this the Violence you complained of? Is this the
Ravisher you are afraid of? Why with that gentle Voice do you solicite
the Author of your Dishonour to stay with you?_
To come at once to the Moral of my Story; as they are ashamed to make
the first Advances, so they are ready to suffer whatever a pushing Man
can do unto them.
As for those pretty Master-Misses, the _Adonis's_ of the Age, who
confide in their own Charms, and desire to be courted by the Girls;
believe me, they will stay long enough before they are asked the
Question.
If you are a Man, make the first Overtures: Remember, it is the Man's
Part to address the Fair; and it will be her's to be tenderly won.
Be bold then, and put the Question; she desires no more than to have
the Question put; and sure you will not deny your own Wishes that
Favour.
_Jupiter_ himself went a courting to the Heroines of old: For I never
heard of any Girl who courted him.
But if you find Madam gives herself any immoderate Airs at your
Proposal, it will then be good to recede a little from your
Undertaking, and to affect to sheer off: For many of them, according
to the Poet,
_Pursue what flies, and fly what doth pursue._
A short Absence will soon cure her Disdain.
It may be proper likewise to conceal your intentions a little at
first, and make your first Advance under the Pretence of _Platonic_
Friendship.
I have known many a Prude taken under these false Colours; and the
_Platonic_ Friend hath soon become a happy Lover.
And now as to your Complexion; for believe me, this is a Matter of
some Consequence: Though I would not have you effeminate, yet I would
have you delicate.
A fair Complexion in a Tar is scandalous, and looks more like a
Borough Captain or one of those fresh-water Sailors, who have so much
dishonoured our Navy. The Skin of a Seaman ought to be rough, and well
battered with Winds and Waves.
Such likewise ought to be the Face of a Fox-hunter, who ought not to
fear Rain or Easterly Winds: And the fame becomes the Soldier.
But let the Soldier of _Venus_ look fair and delicate; nay, if your
Complexion inclines to Paleness, so much the better; for this will be
imputed by every young Girl to Love.
Young _Orion_[51] with a pale Countenance wandered through the Groves,
being sick with the Love of Lyrice: And the same Effect had the Love
of _Nais_ upon the Countenance of _Daphnis_[52]; two Lovers very
famous in Antiquity.
Leanness is another Token of a Lover; to obtain which, you need not
take Physick; sitting up all Night; and writing Love-Letters, will
bring this about.
Be sure to look as miserable as possible; so that every one who sees
you, may cry, _There goes a Lover_.
And here shall I lament the Wickedness of Mankind, or only simply
observe it to you? But in Reality all Friendship and Integrity are
nothing more than Names.
Alas! It is dangerous to be too prodigal in the Praises of your
Mistress, even to your Friend; for if he believes you, he becomes your
Rival.
It is true there are some old Stories of faithful Friends: _Patroclus_
never made a Cuckold of _Achilles_; and _Phaedra's_ Chastity was never
attempted by _Pirithous_.
_Pylades_ loved _Hermions_, who was his Friend's Wife; but it was with
the pure Love of a Brother: And the same Fidelity did _Castor_
preserve towards his Twin-Brother _Pollux_.
But if you expect to find such Instances in these degenerate Days, you
may as well have Faith enough to expect a Pine-Apple from a Pear-Tree,
or to hope to fill your Bottle with _Burgundy_ from the River.
I am afraid we are grown so bad, that Iniquity itself gives a Relish
to our Pleasures; and every Man is not only addicted to his Pleasures,
but those are the sweeter, when season'd with another's Pain.
It is in short a terrible Case, that a Lover ought to fear his Friend
more than his Enemy. Beware of the former, and you are safe.
Beware of your Cousin, and your Brother, and your dear and intimate
Companions. These are the Sort of Gentry, from whom you are to
apprehend most Danger.
Here I intended to have finished; but one Rule more suggests itself.
You are to note then, that there is a great Variety in the Tempers of
Women; for a thousand different Women are to be wooed a thousand
different Ways.
Mr. _Miller_ will tell you, that the same kind of Soil is not proper
for all Fruits. One produces good Carrots, another Potatoes, and a
third Turneps. Now there is as great a Variety of Disposition in the
human Mind, as there are Forms in the World: For which Reason a
Politician is capable of accommodating himself to innumerable Kinds of
Tempers: Not _Proteus_ could indeed diversify himself more Ways than
he can.
Nay you may learn this Lesson from every Fisherman; for some Fish are
to be taken with one Bait, and some with another; others will scarce
bite at any, but are however to be drawn out of the Water by a Net.
One good Caution under this Head, is to consider the Age of your
Mistress: Old Birds are not taken with Chaff; and an old Hare will be
sure to double.
Again, consider Circumstances. Do not frighten an ignorant Woman with
Learning, nor a poor Country Girl with your fine Cloathes; for by
these Means you will create in them too great an Awe of you. Many a
Girl hath run away frighted from the Embraces of the Master, and
afterwards fallen into the Clutches of his Footman.
And here we will now cast our Anchor, having finished the first Part
of our intended Voyage.
_FINIS_
FOOTNOTES
[Footnote 1: Here _Ovid_ uses the Examples of _Automedon_, who was the
Coachman of _Achilles_; and of _Tiphys_, who was Pilot or Steersman to
the _Argonauts_.]
[Footnote 2: This is a literal Translation; by which it appears this
barbarous Custom of whipping Boys on the Hands, till they look as if
they had the Itch, was used by the _Roman_ Schoolmasters as well as by
ours.]
[Footnote 3: The Original introduces _Achilles_, who was the pupil of
_Chiron_.]
[Footnote 4: In the Original,--_held forth at his Master's Commands
those Hands to be whipt, which_ Hector _was hereafter to feel_. The
Indelicacy of which Image we have avoided applying to our _British_
Hero.]
[Footnote 5: _Both born of a Goddess._]
[Footnote 6: This is transferred, we hope not improperly from _Roman_
to _British_ Superstition. The _Latin_ alludes to Augury, and very
justly ridicules the Folly of Divination by the Flight of Birds.]
[Footnote 7: _Nor were_ Clio _or her Sisters seen by me, while I
tended a Flock in the Valleys of Ascra._ This _Ascra_ was a Valley
near the _Helicon_, which was the Residence of the Parents of
_Hesiod_. Now _Hesiod_ was fabled, whilst he was keeping his Father's
Sheep, to have been led by the Muse to the Fountain _Hippocrene_; and