About this book

The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg, and Other Stories

Mark Twain

M. Oh, how lovely, how gorgeous, how beautiful! Some think this world is made of mud; I think it's made of rainbows. (Memorising.) Wenn irgend moglich, so mochte ich noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir sehr daran gelegen ist--Annie, I can learn it just like nothing! A. So can I. Meisterschaft's mere fun--I don't see how it ever could have seemed difficult. Come! We can't be disturbed here; let's give orders that we don't want anything to eat for two days; and are absent to friends, dead to strangers, and not at home even to nougat peddlers-- M. Schon! and we'll lock ourselves into our rooms, and at the end of two days, whosoever may ask us a Meisterschaft question shall get a Meisterschaft answer--and hot from the bat! BOTH. (Reciting in unison.) Ich habe einen Hut fur meinen Sohn, ein Paar Handschuhe fur meinen Bruder, und einen Kamm fur mich selbst gekauft. (Exeunt.) Enter Mrs. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin. WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ach, die armen Madchen, sie hassen die deutsche Sprache, drum ist es ganz und gar unmoglich dass sie sie je lernen konnen. Es bricht mir ja mein Herz ihre Kummer uber die Studien anzusehen.... Warum haben sie den Entchluss gefasst in ihren Zimmern ein Paar Tagezu bleiben?... Ja--gewiss--das versteht sich; sie sind entmuthigt--arme Kinder!(A knock at the door.) Herein! Enter GRETCHEN with card. GR. Er ist schon wieder da, und sagt dass er nur Sie sehen will. (Hands the card.) Auch-WIRTHIN. Gott im Himmel--der Vater der Madchen? (Puts the card in her pocket.) Er wunscht die Tochter nicht zu treffen? Ganz recht; also, Du schweigst. GR. Zu Befehl. WIRTHIN. Lass ihn hereinkommen. GR. Ja, Frau Wirthin! (Exit GRETCHEN.) WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ah--jetzt muss ich ihm die Wahrheit offenbaren. Enter Mr. STEPHENSON. STEPHENSON. Good-morning, Mrs. Blumenthal--keep your seat, keep your seat, please. I'm only here for a moment--merely to get your report, you know. (Seating himself.) Don't want to see the girls--poor things, they'd want to go home with me. I'm afraid I couldn't have the heart to say no. How's the German getting along? WIRTHIN. N-not very well; I was afraid you would ask me that. You see, they hate it, they don't take the least interest in it, and there isn't anything to incite them to an interest, you see. And so they can't talk at all. S. M-m. That's bad. I had an idea that they'd get lonesome, and have to seek society; and then, of course, my plan would work, considering the cast-iron conditions of it. WIRTHIN. But it hasn't, so far. I've thrown nice company in their way--I've done my very best, in every way I could think of--but it's no use; they won't go out, and they won't receive anybody. And a body can't blame them; they'd be tongue-tied--couldn't do anything with a German conversation. Now, when I started to learn German--such poor German as I know--the case was very different: my intended was a German. I was to live among Germans the rest of my life; and so I had to learn. Why, bless my heart! I nearly lost the man the first time he asked me--I thought he was talking about the measles. They were very prevalent at the time. Told him I didn't want any in mine. But I found out the mistake, and I was fixed for him next time.... Oh yes, Mr. Stephenson, a sweetheart's a prime incentive. S. (Aside.) Good soul! she doesn't suspect that my plan is a double scheme--includes a speaking knowledge of German, which I am bound they shall have, and the keeping them away from those two young fellows--though if I had known that those boys were going off for a year's foreign travel, I--however, the girls would never learn that language at home; they're here, and I won't relent--they've got to stick the three months out. (Aloud.) So they are making poor progress? Now tell me--will they learn it--after a sort of fashion, I mean--in three months? WIRTHIN. Well, now, I'll tell you the only chance I see. Do what I will, they won't answer my German with anything but English; if that goes on, they'll stand stock-still. Now I'm willing to do this: I'll straighten everything up, get matters in smooth running order, and day after to-morrow I'll go to bed sick, and stay sick three weeks. S. Good! You are an angel? I see your idea. The servant girl-- WIRTHIN. That's it; that's my project. She doesn't know a word of English. And Gretchen's a real good soul, and can talk the slates off a roof. Her tongue's just a flutter-mill. I'll keep my room--just ailing a little--and they'll never see my face except when they pay their little duty-visits to me, and then I'll say English disorders my mind. They'll be shut up with Gretchen's windmill, and she'll just grind them to powder. Oh, they'll get a start in the language--sort of a one, sure's you live. You come back in three weeks. S. Bless you, my Retterin! I'll be here to the day! Get ye to your sick-room--you shall have treble pay. (Looking at watch.) Good! I can just catch my train. Leben Sie wohl! (Exit.) WIRTHIN. Leben Sie wohl! mein Herr! ACT II. SCENE I. Time, a couple of days later. The girls discovered with their work and primers. ANNIE. Was fehlt der Wirthin? MARGARET. Das weiss ich nicht. Sie ist schon vor zwei Tagen ins Bett gegangen-- A. My! how fliessend you speak! M. Danke schon--und sagte dass sie nicht wohl sei. A. Good? Oh no, I don't mean that! no--only lucky for us--glucklich, you know I mean because it'll be so much nicer to have them all to ourselves. M. Oh, naturlich! Ja! Dass ziehe ich durchaus vor. Do you believe your Meisterschaft will stay with you, Annie? A. Well, I know it is with me--every last sentence of it; and a couple of hods of Ollendorff, too, for emergencies. Maybe they'll refuse to deliver--right off--at first, you know--der Verlegenheit wegen--aber ich will sie spater herausholen--when I get my hand in--und vergisst Du das nicht! M. Sei nicht grob, Liebste. What shall we talk about first--when they come? A. Well--let me see. There's shopping--and--all that about the trains, you know--and going to church--and--buying tickets to London, and Berlin, and all around--and all that subjunctive stuff about the battle in Afghanistan, and where the American was said to be born, and so on--and--and ah--oh, there's so many things--I don't think a body can choose beforehand, because you know the circumstances and the atmosphere always have so much to do in directing a conversation, especially a German conversation, which is only a kind of an insurrection, anyway. I believe it's best to just depend on Prov--(Glancing at watch, and gasping.)--half-past--seven! M. Oh, dear, I'm all of a tremble! Let's get something ready, Annie! (Both fall nervously to reciting): Entschuldigen Sie, mein Herr, konnen Sie mir vielleicht sagen wie ich nach dem norddeutschen Bahnhof gehe? (They repeat it several times, losing their grip and mixing it all up.) BOTH. Herein! Oh, dear! O der heilige-- Enter GRETCHEN. GRETCHEN (Ruffled and indignant.) Entschuldigen Sie, meine gnadigsten Fraulein, es sind zwei junge rasende Herren draussen, die herein wollen, aber ich habe ihnen geschworen dass--(Handing the cards.) M. Due liebe Zeit, they're here! And of course down goes my back hair! Stay and receive them, dear, while I--(Leaving.) A. I--alone? I won't! I'll go with you! (To GR.) Lassen Sie die Herren naher treten; und sagen Sie ihnen dass wir gleich zuruckkommen werden. (Exit.) GR. (Solus.) Was! Sie freuen sich daruber? Und ich sollte wirklich diese Blodsinnigen, dies grobe Rindvieh hereinlassen? In den hulflosen Umstanden meiner gnadigen jungen Damen?--Unsinn! (Pause--thinking.) Wohlan! Ich werde sie mal beschutzen! Sollte man nicht glauben, dass sie einen Sparren zu viel hatten? (Tapping her skull significantly.) Was sie mir doch Alles gesagt haben! Der Eine: Guten Morgen! wie geht es Ihrem Herrn Schwiegervater? Du liebe Zeit! Wie sollte ich einen Schwiegervater haben konnen! Und der Andere: 'Es thut mir sehr leid dass Ihrer Herr Vater meinen Bruder nicht gesehen hat, als er doch gestern in dem Laden des deutschen Kaufmannes war!' Potztausendhimmelsdonnerwetter! Oh, ich war ganz rasend! Wie ich aber rief: 'Meine Herren, ich kenne Sie nicht, und Sie kennen meinen Vater nicht, wissen Sie, denn er ist schon lange durchgebrannt, und geht nicht beim Tage in einen Laden hinein, wissen Sie--und ich habe keinen Schwiegervater, Gott sei Dank, werde auch nie einen kriegen, werde uberhaupt, wissen Sie, ein solches Ding nie haben, nie dulden, nie ausstehen: warum greifen Sie ein Madchen an, das nur Unschuld kennt, das Ihnen nie Etwas zu Leide gethan hat?' Dann haben sie sich beide die Finger in die Ohren gesteckt und gebetet: 'Allmachtiger Gott! Erbarme Dich unser?' (Pauses.) Nun, ich werde schon diesen Schurken Einlass gonnen, aber ich werde ein Auge mit ihnen haben, damit sie sich nicht wie reine Teufel geberden sollen. (Exit, grumbling and shaking her head.) Enter WILLIAM and GEORGE. W. My land, what a girl! and what an incredible gift of gabble!--kind of patent climate-proof compensation-balance self-acting automatic Meisterschaft--touch her button, and br-r-r! away she goes! GEO. Never heard anything like it; tongue journalled on ball-bearings! I wonder what she said; seemed to be swearing, mainly. W. (After mumbling Meisterschaft a while.) Look here, George, this is awful--come to think--this project: we can't talk this frantic language. GEO. I know it, Will, and it is awful; but I can't live without seeing Margaret--I've endured it as long as I can. I should die if I tried to hold out longer--and even German is preferable to death. W. (Hesitatingly.) Well, I don't know; it's a matter of opinion. GEO. (Irritably.) It isn't a matter of opinion either. German is preferable to death. W. (Reflectively.) Well, I don't know--the problem is so sudden--but I think you may be right: some kinds of death. It is more than likely that a slow, lingering--well, now, there in Canada in the early times a couple of centuries ago, the Indians would take a missionary and skin him, and get some hot ashes and boiling water and one thing and another, and by-and-by that missionary--well, yes, I can see that, by-and-by, talking German could be a pleasant change for him. GEO. Why, of course. Das versteht sich; but you have to always think a thing out, or you're not satisfied. But let's not go to bothering about thinking out this present business; we're here, we're in for it; you are as moribund to see Annie as I am to see Margaret; you know the terms: we've got to speak German. Now stop your mooning and get at your Meisterschaft; we've got nothing else in the world. W. Do you think that'll see us through? GEO. Why it's got to. Suppose we wandered out of it and took a chance at the language on our own responsibility, where the nation would we be! Up a stump, that's where. Our only safety is in sticking like wax to the text. W. But what can we talk about? GEO. Why, anything that Meisterschaft talks about. It ain't our affair. W. I know; but Meisterschaft talks about everything. GEO. And yet don't talk about anything long enough for it to get embarrassing. Meisterschaft is just splendid for general conversation. W. Yes, that's so; but it's so blamed general! Won't it sound foolish? GEO. Foolish! Why, of course; all German sounds foolish. W. Well, that is true; I didn't think of that. GEO. Now, don't fool around any more. Load up; load up; get ready. Fix up some sentences; you'll need them in two minutes now. (They walk up and down, moving their lips in dumb-show memorising.) W. Look here--when we've said all that's in the book on a topic, and want to change the subject, how can we say so?--how would a German say it?