About this book

The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg, and Other Stories

Mark Twain

schnattern bis ihnen die Zahne aus dem Munde fallen. Und ich? Durch Mangel an Uebung, ist mir die Zunge mit Moos belegt worden! Freilich ist's mir eine dumme Zei gewesen. Aber--um Gotteswillen, was geht das mir an? Was soll ich daraus machen? Taglich sagt die Frau Wirthin, 'Gretchen' (dumb-show of paying a piece of money into her hand), 'du bist eine der besten Sprach--Lehrerinnen der Welt!' Act, Gott! Und taglich sagen die edlen jungen Manner, 'Gretchen, liebes Kind' (money-paying again in dumb-show--three coins), 'bleib' taub--blind--todt!' und so bleibe ich.... Jetzt wird es ungefahr neun Uhr sein; bald kommen sie vom Spaziergehen zuruck. Also, es ware gut dass ich meinem eigenen Schatz einen Besuch abstatte und spazieren gehe. (Dons her shawl. Exit. L.) Enter WIRTHIN. R. WIRTHIN. That was Mr. Stephenson's train that just came in. Evidently the girls are out walking with Gretchen;--can't find them, and she doesn't seem to be around. (A ring at the door.) That's him. I'll go see. (Exit. R.) Enter STEPHENSON and WIRTHIN. R. S. Well, how does sickness seem to agree with you? WIRTHIN. So well that I've never been out of my room since, till I heard your train come in. S. Thou miracle of fidelity! Now I argue from that, that the new plan is working. WIRTHIN. Working? Mr. Stephenson, you never saw anything like it in the whole course of your life! It's absolutely wonderful the way it works. S. Succeeds? No--you don't mean it. WIRTHIN. Indeed I do mean it. I tell you, Mr. Stephenson, that plan was just an inspiration--that's what it was. You could teach a cat German by it. S. Dear me, this is noble news! Tell me about it. WIRTHIN. Well, it's all Gretchen--ev-ery bit of it. I told you she was a jewel. And then the sagacity of that child--why, I never dreamed it was in her. Sh-she, 'Never you ask the young ladies a question--never let on--just keep mum--leave the whole thing to me,' sh-she. S. Good! And she justified, did she? WIRTHIN. Well, sir, the amount of German gabble that that child crammed into those two girls inside the next forty-eight hours--well, I was satisfied! So I've never asked a question--never wanted to ask any. I've just lain curled up there, happy. The little dears! they've flitted in to see me a moment, every morning and noon and supper-time; and as sure as I'm sitting here, inside of six days they were clattering German to me like a house afire! S. Sp-lendid, splendid! WIRTHIN. Of course it ain't grammatical--the inventor of the language can't talk grammatical; if the dative didn't fetch him the accusative would; but it's German all the same, and don't you forget it! S. Go on--go on--this is delicious news-- WIRTHIN. Gretchen, she says to me at the start, 'Never you mind about company for 'em,' sh-she--'I'm company enough.' And I says, 'All right--fix it your own way, child;' and that she was right is shown by the fact that to this day they don't care a straw for any company but hers. S. Dear me; why, it's admirable! WIRTHIN. Well, I should think so! They just dote on that hussy--can't seem to get enough of her. Gretchen tells me so herself. And the care she takes of them! She tells me that every time there's a moonlight night she coaxes them out for a walk; and if a body can believe her, she actually bullies them off to church three times every Sunday! S. Why, the little dev--missionary! Really, she's a genius! WIRTHIN. She's a bud, I tell you! Dear me, how she's brought those girls' health up! Cheeks?--just roses. Gait?--they walk on watch-springs! And happy?--by the bliss in their eyes, you'd think they're in Paradise! Ah, that Gretchen! Just you imagine our trying to achieve these marvels! S. You're right--every time. Those girls--why, all they'd have wanted to know was what we wanted done, and then they wouldn't have done it--the mischievous young rascals! WIRTHIN. Don't tell me? Bless you, I found that out early--when I was bossing. S. Well, I'm im-mensely pleased. Now fetch them down. I'm not afraid now. They won't want to go home. WIRTHIN. Home! I don't believe you could drag them away from Gretchen with nine span of horses. But if you want to see them, put on your hat and come along; they're out somewhere trapseing along with Gretchen. (Going.) S. I'm with you--lead on. WIRTHIN. We'll go out the side door. It's towards the Anlage. (Exit both. L.) Enter GEORGE and MARGARET. R. Her head lies upon his shoulder, his arm is about her waist; they are steeped in sentiment. M. (Turning a fond face up at him.) Du Engel! GEO. Liebste! M. Oh, das Liedchen dass Du mir gewidmet hast--es ist so schon, so wunderschon. Wie hatte ich je geahnt dass Du ein Poet warest! GEO. Mein Schatzchen!--es ist mir lieb wenn Dir die Kleinigkeit gefallt. M. Ah, es ist mit der zartlichsten Musik gefullt--klingt ja so suss und selig--wie das Flustern des Sommerwindes die Abenddammerung hindurch. Wieder--Theuerste!--sag'es wieder. GEO. Du bist wie eine Blume!--So schon und hold und rein--Ich schau' Dich an, und Wehmuth Schleicht mir ins Herz hinein. Mir ist als ob ich die HandeAufs Haupt Dir legen sollt', Betend, dass Gott Dich erhalte, So rein und schon und hold. M. A-ch! (Dumb-show sentimentalisms.) Georgie-- GEO. Kindchen! M. Warum kommen sie nicht? GEO. Das weiss ich gar night. Sie waren-- M. Es wird spat. Wir mussen sie antreiben. Komm! GEO. Ich glaube sie werden recht bald ankommen, aber--(Exit both. L.) Enter GRETCHEN, R., in a state of mind. Slumps into a chair limp with despair. GR. Ach! was wird jetzt aus mir werden! Zufallig habe ich in der Ferne den verdammten Papa gesehen!--und die Frau Wirthin auch! Oh, diese Erscheinung--die hat mir beinahe das Leben genommen. Sie suchen die jungen Damen--das weiss ich wenn sie diese und die jungen Herren zusammen fanden--du heileger Gott! Wenn das gescheiht, waren wir Alle ganz und gar verloren! Ich muss sie gleich finden, und ihr eine Warnung geben! (Exit. L.) Enter ANNIE and WILL, R., posed like the former couple and sentimental. A. Ich liebe Dich schon so sehr--Deiner edlen Natur wegen. Dass du dazu auch ein Dichter bist!--ach, mein Leben ist ubermassig reich geworden! Wer hatte sich doch einbilden konnen dass ich einen Mann zu einem so wunderschonen Gedicht hatte begeistern konnen? W. Liebste! Es ist nur eine Kleinigkeit. A. Nein, nein, es ist ein echtes Wunder! Sage es noch einmal--ich flehe Dich an. W. Du bist wie eine Blume!--So schon und hold und rein--Ich schau' Dich an, und Wehmuth Schleicht mir ins Herz hinein. Mir ist als ob ich die HandeAufs Haupt Dir legen sollt', Betend, dass Gott Dich erhalt, So rein und schon und hold. A. Ach, es ist himmlisch--einfach himmlisch. (Kiss.) Schreibt auch George Gedicht? W. Oh, ja--zuweilen. A. Wie schon! W. (Aside.) Smouches 'em, same as I do! It was a noble good idea to play that little thing on her. George wouldn't ever think of that--somehow he never had any invention. A. (Arranging chairs.) Jetzt will ich bei Dir sitzen bleiben, und Du-- W. (They sit.) Ja--und ich-- A. Du wirst mir die alte Geschichte, die immer neu bleibt, noch wieder erzahlen. W. Zum Beispiel, dass ich Dich liebe! A. Wieder! W. Ich--sie kommen! Enter GEORGE and MARGARET. A. Das macht nichts. Fortan! (GEORGE unties M.'s bonnet. She reties his cravat--interspersings of love-pats, etc., and dumb show of love-quarrellings.) W. Ich liebe Dich. A. Ach! Noch einmal! W. Ich habe Dich vom Herzen lieb. A. Ach! Abermals! W. Bist Du denn noch nicht satt? A. Nein! (The other couple sit down, and MARGARET begins a retying of the cravat. Enter the WIRTHIN and STEPHENSON, he imposing silence with a sign.) Mich hungert sehr, ich verhungre! W. Oh, Du armes Kind! (Lays her head on his shoulder. Dumb-show between STEPHENSON and WIRTHIN.) Und hungert es nicht mich? Du hast mir nicht einmal gesagt-- A. Dass ich Dich liebe? Mein Eigener! (Frau WIRTHIN threatens to faint--is supported by STEPHENSON.) Hore mich nur an: Ich liebe Dich, ich liebe Dich-- Enter GRETCHEN. GR. (Tears her hair.) Oh, dass ich in der Holle ware! M. Ich liebe Dich, ich liebe Dich! Ah, ich bin so glucklich dass ich nicht schlafen kann, nicht lesen kann, nicht reden kann, nicht-- A. Und ich! Ich bin auch so glucklich dass ich nicht speisen kann, nicht studieren, arbeiten, denken, schreiben-- S. (To Wirthin--aside.) Oh, there isn't any mistake about it--Gretchen's just a rattling teacher! WIRTHIN. (To Stephenson--aside.) I'll skin her alive when I get my hands on her! M. Komm, alle Verliebte! (They jump up, join hands, and sing in chorus--) Du, Du, wie ich Dich liebe, Du, Du, liebest auch mich! Die, die zartlichsten Triebe-- S. (Stepping forward.) Well! (The girls throw themselves upon his neck with enthusiasm.) THE GIRLS. Why, father! S. My darlings! (The young men hesitate a moment, then they add their embrace, flinging themselves on Stephenson's neck, along with the girls.) THE YOUNG MEN. Why, father! S. (Struggling.) Oh, come, this is too thin!--too quick, I mean. Let go, you rascals! GEO. We'll never let go till you put us on the family list. M. Right! hold to him! A. Cling to him, Will! (GRETCHEN rushes in and joins the general embrace, but is snatched away by the WIRTHIN, crushed up against the wall, and threatened with destruction.) S. (Suffocating.) All right, all right--have it your own way, you quartette of swindlers! W. He's a darling! Three cheers for papa! EVERYBODY. (Except Stephenson, who bows with hand on heart) Hip--hip--hip: hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! GR. Der Tiger--ah-h-h! WIRTHIN. Sei ruhig, you hussy! S. Well, I've lost a couple of precious daughters, but I've gained a couple of precious scamps to fill up the gap with; so it's all right. I'm satisfied, and everybody's forgiven--(With mock threats at Gretchen.) W. Oh, wir werden fur Dich sorgen--dur herrliches Gretchen! GR. Danke schon! M. (To Wirthin.) Und fur Sie auch; denn wenn Sie nicht so freundlich gewesen waren, krank zu werden, wie waren wir je so glucklich geworden wie jetzt? WIRTHIN. Well, dear, I was kind, but I didn't mean it. But I ain't sorry--not one bit--that I ain't. (Tableau.) S. Come, now, the situation is full of hope, and grace, and tender sentiment. If I had in the least poetic gift, I know I could improvise under such an inspiration (each girl nudges her sweetheart) something worthy to--to--Is there no poet among us? (Each youth turns solemnly his back upon the other, and raises his hands in benediction over his sweetheart's bowed head.) BOTH YOUTHS AT ONCE. Mir ist als ob ich die HandeAufs Haupt Dir legen sollt'--(They turn and look reproachfully at each other--the girls contemplate them with injured surprise.) S. (Reflectively.) I think I've heard that before somewhere. WIRTHIN. (Aside.) Why, the very cats in Germany know it! (Curtain.) (1) (EXPLANATORY.) I regard the idea of this play as a valuable invention. I call it the Patent Universally-Applicable Automatically Adjustable Language Drama. This indicates that it is adjustable to any tongue, and performable in any tongue. The English portions of the play are to remain just as they are, permanently; but you change the foreign portions to any language you please, at will. Do you see? You at once have the same old play in a new tongue. And you can keep changing it from language to language, until your private theatrical pupils have become glib and at home in the speech of all nations. Zum Beispiel, suppose we wish to adjust the play to the French tongue. First, we give Mrs. Blumenthal and Gretchen French names. Next, we knock the German Meisterschaft sentences out of the first scene, and replace them with