The Pickwick Papers
boy, penetrated in a low and monotonous sound from the distant kitchen;
the buxom servants were lounging at the side door, enjoying the
pleasantness of the hour, and the delights of a flirtation, on first
principles, with certain unwieldy animals attached to the farm; and
there sat the interesting pair, uncared for by all, caring for none, and
dreaming only of themselves; there they sat, in short, like a pair of
carefully-folded kid gloves--bound up in each other.
‘I have forgotten my flowers,’ said the spinster aunt.
‘Water them now,’ said Mr. Tupman, in accents of persuasion.
‘You will take cold in the evening air,’ urged the spinster aunt
affectionately.
‘No, no,’ said Mr. Tupman, rising; ‘it will do me good. Let me accompany
you.’
The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the youth
was placed, and taking his right arm led him to the garden.
There was a bower at the farther end, with honeysuckle, jessamine, and
creeping plants--one of those sweet retreats which humane men erect for
the accommodation of spiders.
The spinster aunt took up a large watering-pot which lay in one corner,
and was about to leave the arbour. Mr. Tupman detained her, and drew her
to a seat beside him.
‘Miss Wardle!’ said he.
The spinster aunt trembled, till some pebbles which had accidentally
found their way into the large watering-pot shook like an infant’s
rattle.
‘Miss Wardle,’ said Mr. Tupman, ‘you are an angel.’
‘Mr. Tupman!’ exclaimed Rachael, blushing as red as the watering-pot
itself.
‘Nay,’ said the eloquent Pickwickian--‘I know it but too well.’
‘All women are angels, they say,’ murmured the lady playfully.
‘Then what can you be; or to what, without presumption, can I compare
you?’ replied Mr. Tupman. ‘Where was the woman ever seen who resembled
you? Where else could I hope to find so rare a combination of excellence
and beauty? Where else could I seek to--Oh!’ Here Mr. Tupman paused, and
pressed the hand which clasped the handle of the happy watering-pot.
The lady turned aside her head. ‘Men are such deceivers,’ she softly
whispered.
‘They are, they are,’ ejaculated Mr. Tupman; ‘but not all men. There
lives at least one being who can never change--one being who would be
content to devote his whole existence to your happiness--who lives but
in your eyes--who breathes but in your smiles--who bears the heavy
burden of life itself only for you.’
‘Could such an individual be found--’ said the lady.
‘But he _can_ be found,’ said the ardent Mr. Tupman, interposing. ‘He
_is_ found. He is here, Miss Wardle.’ And ere the lady was aware of his
intention, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her feet.
‘Mr. Tupman, rise,’ said Rachael.
‘Never!’ was the valorous reply. ‘Oh, Rachael!’ He seized her passive
hand, and the watering-pot fell to the ground as he pressed it to his
lips.--‘Oh, Rachael! say you love me.’
‘Mr. Tupman,’ said the spinster aunt, with averted head, ‘I can hardly
speak the words; but--but--you are not wholly indifferent to me.’
Mr. Tupman no sooner heard this avowal, than he proceeded to do what his
enthusiastic emotions prompted, and what, for aught we know (for we are
but little acquainted with such matters), people so circumstanced always
do. He jumped up, and, throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster
aunt, imprinted upon her lips numerous kisses, which after a due show of
struggling and resistance, she received so passively, that there is no
telling how many more Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if the lady had
not given a very unaffected start, and exclaimed in an affrighted tone--
‘Mr. Tupman, we are observed!--we are discovered!’
Mr. Tupman looked round. There was the fat boy, perfectly motionless,
with his large circular eyes staring into the arbour, but without the
slightest expression on his face that the most expert physiognomist
could have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or any other known
passion that agitates the human breast. Mr. Tupman gazed on the fat boy,
and the fat boy stared at him; and the longer Mr. Tupman observed the
utter vacancy of the fat boy’s countenance, the more convinced he became
that he either did not know, or did not understand, anything that had
been going forward. Under this impression, he said with great firmness--
‘What do you want here, Sir?’
‘Supper’s ready, sir,’ was the prompt reply.
‘Have you just come here, sir?’ inquired Mr. Tupman, with a piercing
look.
‘Just,’ replied the fat boy.
Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but there was not a wink in
his eye, or a curve in his face.
Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, and walked towards the
house; the fat boy followed behind.
‘He knows nothing of what has happened,’ he whispered.
‘Nothing,’ said the spinster aunt.
There was a sound behind them, as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle.
Mr. Tupman turned sharply round. No; it could not have been the fat boy;
there was not a gleam of mirth, or anything but feeding in his whole
visage.
‘He must have been fast asleep,’ whispered Mr. Tupman.
‘I have not the least doubt of it,’ replied the spinster aunt.
They both laughed heartily.
Mr. Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, had not been fast asleep.
He was awake--wide awake--to what had been going forward.
The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation. The
old lady had gone to bed; Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively to
Mr. Trundle; the spinster’s attentions were reserved for Mr. Tupman; and
Emily’s thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant object--
possibly they were with the absent Snodgrass.
Eleven--twelve--one o’clock had struck, and the gentlemen had not
arrived. Consternation sat on every face. Could they have been waylaid
and robbed? Should they send men and lanterns in every direction by
which they could be supposed likely to have travelled home? or should
they--Hark! there they were. What could have made them so late? A
strange voice, too! To whom could it belong? They rushed into the
kitchen, whither the truants had repaired, and at once obtained rather
more than a glimmering of the real state of the case.
Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and his hat cocked
completely over his left eye, was leaning against the dresser, shaking
his head from side to side, and producing a constant succession of the
blandest and most benevolent smiles without being moved thereunto by any
discernible cause or pretence whatsoever; old Mr. Wardle, with a highly-
inflamed countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gentleman
muttering protestations of eternal friendship; Mr. Winkle, supporting
himself by the eight-day clock, was feebly invoking destruction upon the
head of any member of the family who should suggest the propriety of his
retiring for the night; and Mr. Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with an
expression of the most abject and hopeless misery that the human mind
can imagine, portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face.
‘Is anything the matter?’ inquired the three ladies.
‘Nothing the matter,’ replied Mr. Pickwick. ‘We--we’re--all right.--I
say, Wardle, we’re all right, ain’t we?’
‘I should think so,’ replied the jolly host.--‘My dears, here’s my
friend Mr. Jingle--Mr. Pickwick’s friend, Mr. Jingle, come ‘pon--little
visit.’
‘Is anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, Sir?’ inquired Emily, with
great anxiety.
‘Nothing the matter, ma’am,’ replied the stranger. ‘Cricket dinner--
glorious party--capital songs--old port--claret--good--very good--wine,
ma’am--wine.’
‘It wasn’t the wine,’ murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. ‘It was
the salmon.’ (Somehow or other, it never is the wine, in these cases.)
‘Hadn’t they better go to bed, ma’am?’ inquired Emma. ‘Two of the boys
will carry the gentlemen upstairs.’
‘I won’t go to bed,’ said Mr. Winkle firmly.
‘No living boy shall carry me,’ said Mr. Pickwick stoutly; and he went
on smiling as before.
‘Hurrah!’ gasped Mr. Winkle faintly.
‘Hurrah!’ echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat and dashing it on the
floor, and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle of the
kitchen. At this humorous feat he laughed outright.
‘Let’s--have--‘nother--bottle,’ cried Mr. Winkle, commencing in a very
loud key, and ending in a very faint one. His head dropped upon his
breast; and, muttering his invincible determination not to go to his
bed, and a sanguinary regret that he had not ‘done for old Tupman’ in
the morning, he fell fast asleep; in which condition he was borne to his
apartment by two young giants under the personal superintendence of the
fat boy, to whose protecting care Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterwards
confided his own person, Mr. Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of Mr.
Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more than ever; and Mr. Wardle,
after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he were
ordered for immediate execution, consigned to Mr. Trundle the honour of
conveying him upstairs, and retired, with a very futile attempt to look
impressively solemn and dignified.
‘What a shocking scene!’ said the spinster aunt.
‘Dis-gusting!’ ejaculated both the young ladies.
‘Dreadful--dreadful!’ said Jingle, looking very grave: he was about a
bottle and a half ahead of any of his companions. ‘Horrid spectacle--
very!’
‘What a nice man!’ whispered the spinster aunt to Mr. Tupman.
‘Good-looking, too!’ whispered Emily Wardle.
‘Oh, decidedly,’ observed the spinster aunt.
Mr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester, and his mind was troubled.
The succeeding half-hour’s conversation was not of a nature to calm his
perturbed spirit. The new visitor was very talkative, and the number of
his anecdotes was only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness.
Mr. Tupman felt that as Jingle’s popularity increased, he (Tupman)
retired further into the shade. His laughter was forced--his merriment
feigned; and when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets,
he thought, with horrid delight, on the satisfaction it would afford him
to have Jingle’s head at that moment between the feather bed and the
mattress.
The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning, and, although his
companions remained in bed overpowered with the dissipation of the
previous night, exerted himself most successfully to promote the
hilarity of the breakfast-table. So successful were his efforts, that
even the deaf old lady insisted on having one or two of his best jokes
retailed through the trumpet; and even she condescended to observe to
the spinster aunt, that ‘He’ (meaning Jingle) ‘was an impudent young
fellow:’ a sentiment in which all her relations then and there present
thoroughly coincided.
It was the old lady’s habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to the
arbour in which Mr. Tupman had already signalised himself, in form and
manner following: first, the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the old
lady’s bedroom door, a close black satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl,
and a thick stick with a capacious handle; and the old lady, having put
on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would lean one hand on the stick
and the other on the fat boy’s shoulder, and walk leisurely to the
arbour, where the fat boy would leave her to enjoy the fresh air for the
space of half an hour; at the expiration of which time he would return
and reconduct her to the house.
The old lady was very precise and very particular; and as this ceremony
had been observed for three successive summers without the slightest
deviation from the accustomed form, she was not a little surprised on
this particular morning to see the fat boy, instead of leaving the
arbour, walk a few paces out of it, look carefully round him in every