The Pickwick Papers
Job Trotter; and curiosity was exchanged for a feeling of the most
gleeful astonishment, when the all-important Mr. Grummer, commanding the
sedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignified and portentous steps to
the very green gate from which Job Trotter had emerged, and gave a
mighty pull at the bell-handle which hung at the side thereof. The ring
was answered by a very smart and pretty-faced servant-girl, who, after
holding up her hands in astonishment at the rebellious appearance of the
prisoners, and the impassioned language of Mr. Pickwick, summoned Mr.
Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate, to admit the
sedan, the captured ones, and the specials; and immediately slammed it
in the faces of the mob, who, indignant at being excluded, and anxious
to see what followed, relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and
ringing the bell, for an hour or two afterwards. In this amusement they
all took part by turns, except three or four fortunate individuals, who,
having discovered a grating in the gate, which commanded a view of
nothing, stared through it with the indefatigable perseverance with
which people will flatten their noses against the front windows of a
chemist’s shop, when a drunken man, who has been run over by a dog-cart
in the street, is undergoing a surgical inspection in the back-parlour.
At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, which was
guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, the sedan-
chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the
hall, whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle, and ordered in
by Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered into the worshipful presence of that
public-spirited officer.
The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike terror to the
hearts of culprits, and to impress them with an adequate idea of the
stern majesty of the law. In front of a big book-case, in a big chair,
behind a big table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a
full size larger than any one of them, big as they were. The table was
adorned with piles of papers; and above the farther end of it, appeared
the head and shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking
as busy as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefully
closed the door, and placed himself behind his master’s chair to await
his orders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity, and
scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors.
‘Now, Grummer, who is that person?’ said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to Mr.
Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand,
bowing with the utmost politeness and respect.
‘This here’s Pickvick, your Wash-up,’ said Grummer.
‘Come, none o’ that ‘ere, old Strike-a-light,’ interposed Mr. Weller,
elbowing himself into the front rank. ‘Beg your pardon, sir, but this
here officer o’ yourn in the gambooge tops, ‘ull never earn a decent
livin’ as a master o’ the ceremonies any vere. This here, sir’ continued
Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the magistrate with
pleasant familiarity, ‘this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this here’s
Mr. Tupman; that ‘ere’s Mr. Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the
t’other side, Mr. Winkle--all wery nice gen’l’m’n, Sir, as you’ll be
wery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these
here officers o’ yourn to the tread-mill for a month or two, the sooner
we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first,
pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed the
t’other king in the Tower, afore he smothered the babbies.’
At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his
right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heard him throughout
with unspeakable awe.
‘Who is this man, Grummer?’ said the magistrate.
‘Wery desp’rate ch’racter, your Wash-up,’ replied Grummer. ‘He attempted
to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; so we took him into
custody, and brought him here.’
‘You did quite right,’ replied the magistrate. ‘He is evidently a
desperate ruffian.’
‘He is my servant, Sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick angrily.
‘Oh! he is your servant, is he?’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘A conspiracy to
defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwick’s servant.
Put that down, Mr. Jinks.’
Mr. Jinks did so.
‘What’s your name, fellow?’ thundered Mr. Nupkins.
‘Veller,’ replied Sam.
‘A very good name for the Newgate Calendar,’ said Mr. Nupkins.
This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, and
Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes’ duration.
‘Put down his name, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate.
‘Two L’s, old feller,’ said Sam.
Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistrate
threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh at
the wrong man, in these cases.
‘Where do you live?’ said the magistrate.
‘Vere ever I can,’ replied Sam.
‘Put down that, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, who was fast rising
into a rage.
‘Score it under,’ said Sam.
‘He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate. ‘He is a vagabond on
his own statement,--is he not, Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘Then I’ll commit him--I’ll commit him as such,’ said Mr. Nupkins.
‘This is a wery impartial country for justice, ‘said Sam.’ There ain’t a
magistrate goin’ as don’t commit himself twice as he commits other
people.’
At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look so
supernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately.
‘Grummer,’ said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, ‘how dare you
select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special
constable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir?’
‘I am very sorry, your Wash-up,’ stammered Grummer.
‘Very sorry!’ said the furious magistrate. ‘You shall repent of this
neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example of. Take that
fellow’s staff away. He’s drunk. You’re drunk, fellow.’
‘I am not drunk, your Worship,’ said the man.
‘You _are _drunk,’ returned the magistrate. ‘How dare you say you are
not drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesn’t he smell of spirits,
Grummer?’
‘Horrid, your Wash-up,’ replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that
there was a smell of rum somewhere.
‘I knew he did,’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘I saw he was drunk when he first
came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye,
Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘I haven’t touched a drop of spirits this morning,’ said the man, who
was as sober a fellow as need be.
‘How dare you tell me a falsehood?’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘Isn’t he drunk at
this moment, Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir,’ replied Jinks.
‘Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, ‘I shall commit that man for contempt.
Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.’
And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was the
magistrate’s adviser (having had a legal education of three years in a
country attorney’s office), whispered the magistrate that he thought it
wouldn’t do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that in
consideration of the special’s family, he would merely reprimand and
discharge him. Accordingly, the special was abused, vehemently, for a
quarter of an hour, and sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley,
Muzzle, and all the other specials, murmured their admiration of the
magnanimity of Mr. Nupkins.
‘Now, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, ‘swear Grummer.’
Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkins’s
dinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short, by putting
leading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly in the
affirmative as he could. So the examination went off, all very smooth
and comfortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and a
threat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When all
this was done to the magistrate’s satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr.
Jinks consulted in whispers.
The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired to
his end of the table; and the magistrate, with a preparatory cough, drew
himself up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence his address,
when Mr. Pickwick interposed.
‘I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,’ said Mr. Pickwick; ‘but
before you proceed to express, and act upon, any opinion you may have
formed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim my
right to be heard so far as I am personally concerned.’
‘Hold your tongue, Sir,’ said the magistrate peremptorily.
‘I must submit to you, Sir--’ said Mr. Pickwick.
‘Hold your tongue, sir,’ interposed the magistrate, ‘or I shall order an
officer to remove you.’
‘You may order your officers to do whatever you please, Sir,’ said Mr.
Pickwick; ‘and I have no doubt, from the specimen I have had of the
subordination preserved amongst them, that whatever you order, they will
execute, Sir; but I shall take the liberty, Sir, of claiming my right to
be heard, until I am removed by force.’
‘Pickvick and principle!’ exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very audible voice.
‘Sam, be quiet,’ said Mr. Pickwick.
‘Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, Sir,’ replied Sam.
Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment,
at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and was apparently about to
return a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him by the sleeve, and
whispered something in his ear. To this, the magistrate returned a half-
audible answer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinks was evidently
remonstrating.
At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a very bad grace, his
disinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, and said
sharply, ‘What do you want to say?’
‘First,’ said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, under
which even Nupkins quailed, ‘first, I wish to know what I and my friend
have been brought here for?’
‘Must I tell him?’ whispered the magistrate to Jinks.
‘I think you had better, sir,’ whispered Jinks to the magistrate.
‘An information has been sworn before me,’ said the magistrate, ‘that it
is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the other man,
Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore--eh, Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, sir.’
‘Therefore, I call upon you both, to--I think that’s the course, Mr.
Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘To--to--what, Mr. Jinks?’ said the magistrate pettishly.
‘To find bail, sir.’
‘Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both--as I was about to say when I was
interrupted by my clerk--to find bail.’
Good bail,’ whispered Mr. Jinks.
‘I shall require good bail,’ said the magistrate.
‘Town’s-people,’ whispered Jinks.
‘They must be townspeople,’ said the magistrate.
‘Fifty pounds each,’ whispered Jinks, ‘and householders, of course.’
‘I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,’ said the magistrate
aloud, with great dignity, ‘and they must be householders, of course.’
‘But bless my heart, Sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with Mr.
Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; ‘we are perfect strangers in
this town. I have as little knowledge of any householders here, as I
have intention of fighting a duel with anybody.’
‘I dare say,’ replied the magistrate, ‘I dare say--don’t you, Mr.
Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘Have you anything more to say?’ inquired the magistrate.
Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no doubt have
said, very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate’s
satisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, been pulled
by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was immediately engaged in so
earnest a conversation, that he suffered the magistrate’s inquiry to