The Pickwick Papers
paper, and showin’ twenty or thirty halves o’ buttons. “Nice seasonin’
for sassages, is trousers’ buttons, ma’am.” “They’re my husband’s
buttons!” says the widder beginnin’ to faint, “What!” screams the little
old gen’l’m’n, turnin’ wery pale. “I see it all,” says the widder; “in a
fit of temporary insanity he rashly converted hisself into sassages!”
And so he had, Sir,’ said Mr. Weller, looking steadily into Mr.
Pickwick’s horror-stricken countenance, ‘or else he’d been draw’d into
the ingin; but however that might ha’ been, the little, old gen’l’m’n,
who had been remarkably partial to sassages all his life, rushed out o’
the shop in a wild state, and was never heerd on arterwards!’
The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master
and man to Mr. Perker’s chambers. Lowten, holding the door half open,
was in conversation with a rustily-clad, miserable-looking man, in boots
without toes and gloves without fingers. There were traces of privation
and suffering--almost of despair--in his lank and care-worn countenance;
he felt his poverty, for he shrank to the dark side of the staircase as
Mr. Pickwick approached.
‘It’s very unfortunate,’ said the stranger, with a sigh.
‘Very,’ said Lowten, scribbling his name on the doorpost with his pen,
and rubbing it out again with the feather. ‘Will you leave a message for
him?’
‘When do you think he’ll be back?’ inquired the stranger.
‘Quite uncertain,’ replied Lowten, winking at Mr. Pickwick, as the
stranger cast his eyes towards the ground.
‘You don’t think it would be of any use my waiting for him?’ said the
stranger, looking wistfully into the office.
‘Oh, no, I’m sure it wouldn’t,’ replied the clerk, moving a little more
into the centre of the doorway. ‘He’s certain not to be back this week,
and it’s a chance whether he will be next; for when Perker once gets out
of town, he’s never in a hurry to come back again.’
‘Out of town!’ said Mr. Pickwick; ‘dear me, how unfortunate!’
‘Don’t go away, Mr. Pickwick,’ said Lowten, ‘I’ve got a letter for you.’
The stranger, seeming to hesitate, once more looked towards the ground,
and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. Pickwick, as if to intimate that some
exquisite piece of humour was going forward, though what it was Mr.
Pickwick could not for the life of him divine.
‘Step in, Mr. Pickwick,’ said Lowten. ‘Well, will you leave a message,
Mr. Watty, or will you call again?’
‘Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done in my
business,’ said the man; ‘for God’s sake don’t neglect it, Mr. Lowten.’
‘No, no; I won’t forget it,’ replied the clerk. ‘Walk in, Mr. Pickwick.
Good-morning, Mr. Watty; it’s a fine day for walking, isn’t it?’ Seeing
that the stranger still lingered, he beckoned Sam Weller to follow his
master in, and shut the door in his face.
‘There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the world
began, I do believe!’ said Lowten, throwing down his pen with the air of
an injured man. ‘His affairs haven’t been in Chancery quite four years
yet, and I’m d----d if he don’t come worrying here twice a week. Step
this way, Mr. Pickwick. Perker _is_ in, and he’ll see you, I know.
Devilish cold,’ he added pettishly, ‘standing at that door, wasting
one’s time with such seedy vagabonds!’ Having very vehemently stirred a
particularly large fire with a particularly small poker, the clerk led
the way to his principal’s private room, and announced Mr. Pickwick.
‘Ah, my dear Sir,’ said little Mr. Perker, bustling up from his chair.
‘Well, my dear sir, and what’s the news about your matter, eh? Anything
more about our friends in Freeman’s Court? They’ve not been sleeping, I
know that. Ah, they’re very smart fellows; very smart, indeed.’
As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic pinch of snuff, as a
tribute to the smartness of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg.
‘They are great scoundrels,’ said Mr. Pickwick.
‘Aye, aye,’ said the little man; ‘that’s a matter of opinion, you know,
and we won’t dispute about terms; because of course you can’t be
expected to view these subjects with a professional eye. Well, we’ve
done everything that’s necessary. I have retained Serjeant Snubbin.’
‘Is he a good man?’ inquired Mr. Pickwick.
‘Good man!’ replied Perker; ‘bless your heart and soul, my dear Sir,
Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession. Gets treble the
business of any man in court--engaged in every case. You needn’t mention
it abroad; but we say--we of the profession--that Serjeant Snubbin leads
the court by the nose.’
The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this
communication, and nodded mysteriously to Mr. Pickwick.
‘They have subpoenaed my three friends,’ said Mr. Pickwick.
‘Ah! of course they would,’ replied Perker. ‘Important witnesses; saw
you in a delicate situation.’
‘But she fainted of her own accord,’ said Mr. Pickwick. ‘She threw
herself into my arms.’
‘Very likely, my dear Sir,’ replied Perker; ‘very likely and very
natural. Nothing more so, my dear Sir, nothing. But who’s to prove it?’
‘They have subpoenaed my servant, too,’ said Mr. Pickwick, quitting the
other point; for there Mr. Perker’s question had somewhat staggered him.
‘Sam?’ said Perker.
Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative.
‘Of course, my dear Sir; of course. I knew they would. I could have told
you that, a month ago. You know, my dear Sir, if you _will _take the
management of your affairs into your own hands after entrusting them to
your solicitor, you must also take the consequences.’ Here Mr. Perker
drew himself up with conscious dignity, and brushed some stray grains of
snuff from his shirt frill.
‘And what do they want him to prove?’ asked Mr. Pickwick, after two or
three minutes’ silence.
‘That you sent him up to the plaintiff ‘s to make some offer of a
compromise, I suppose,’ replied Perker. ‘It don’t matter much, though; I
don’t think many counsel could get a great deal out of _him_.’
‘I don’t think they could,’ said Mr. Pickwick, smiling, despite his
vexation, at the idea of Sam’s appearance as a witness. ‘What course do
we pursue?’
‘We have only one to adopt, my dear Sir,’ replied Perker; ‘cross-examine
the witnesses; trust to Snubbin’s eloquence; throw dust in the eyes of
the judge; throw ourselves on the jury.’
‘And suppose the verdict is against me?’ said Mr. Pickwick.
Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, stirred the fire,
shrugged his shoulders, and remained expressively silent.
‘You mean that in that case I must pay the damages?’ said Mr. Pickwick,
who had watched this telegraphic answer with considerable sternness.
Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke, and said, ‘I am
afraid so.’
‘Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination to pay no
damages whatever,’ said Mr. Pickwick, most emphatically. ‘None, Perker.
Not a pound, not a penny of my money, shall find its way into the
pockets of Dodson and Fogg. That is my deliberate and irrevocable
determination.’ Mr. Pickwick gave a heavy blow on the table before him,
in confirmation of the irrevocability of his intention.
‘Very well, my dear Sir, very well,’ said Perker. ‘You know best, of
course.’
‘Of course,’ replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. ‘Where does Serjeant Snubbin
live?’
In Lincoln’s Inn Old Square,’ replied Perker.
‘I should like to see him,’ said Mr. Pickwick.
‘See Serjeant Snubbin, my dear Sir!’ rejoined Perker, in utter
amazement. ‘Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir, impossible. See Serjeant Snubbin!
Bless you, my dear Sir, such a thing was never heard of, without a
consultation fee being previously paid, and a consultation fixed. It
couldn’t be done, my dear Sir; it couldn’t be done.’
Mr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind not only that it could be
done, but that it should be done; and the consequence was, that within
ten minutes after he had received the assurance that the thing was
impossible, he was conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of
the great Serjeant Snubbin himself.
It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, with a large writing-
table drawn up near the fire, the baize top of which had long since lost
all claim to its original hue of green, and had gradually grown gray
with dust and age, except where all traces of its natural colour were
obliterated by ink-stains. Upon the table were numerous little bundles
of papers tied with red tape; and behind it, sat an elderly clerk, whose
sleek appearance and heavy gold watch-chain presented imposing
indications of the extensive and lucrative practice of Mr. Serjeant
Snubbin.
‘Is the Serjeant in his room, Mr. Mallard?’ inquired Perker, offering
his box with all imaginable courtesy.
‘Yes, he is,’ was the reply, ‘but he’s very busy. Look here; not an
opinion given yet, on any one of these cases; and an expedition fee paid
with all of ‘em.’ The clerk smiled as he said this, and inhaled the
pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness
for snuff and a relish for fees.
‘Something like practice that,’ said Perker.
‘Yes,’ said the barrister’s clerk, producing his own box, and offering
it with the greatest cordiality; ‘and the best of it is, that as nobody
alive except myself can read the serjeant’s writing, they are obliged to
wait for the opinions, when he has given them, till I have copied ‘em,
ha-ha-ha!’
‘Which makes good for we know who, besides the serjeant, and draws a
little more out of the clients, eh?’ said Perker; ‘Ha, ha, ha!’ At this
the serjeant’s clerk laughed again--not a noisy boisterous laugh, but a
silent, internal chuckle, which Mr. Pickwick disliked to hear. When a
man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself; but when he
laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other people.
‘You haven’t made me out that little list of the fees that I’m in your
debt, have you?’ said Perker.
‘No, I have not,’ replied the clerk.
‘I wish you would,’ said Perker. ‘Let me have them, and I’ll send you a
cheque. But I suppose you’re too busy pocketing the ready money, to
think of the debtors, eh? ha, ha, ha!’ This sally seemed to tickle the
clerk amazingly, and he once more enjoyed a little quiet laugh to
himself.
‘But, Mr. Mallard, my dear friend,’ said Perker, suddenly recovering his
gravity, and drawing the great man’s great man into a Corner, by the
lappel of his coat; ‘you must persuade the Serjeant to see me, and my
client here.’
‘Come, come,’ said the clerk, ‘that’s not bad either. See the Serjeant!
come, that’s too absurd.’ Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal,
however, the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing
of Mr. Pickwick; and after a short conversation conducted in whispers,
walked softly down a little dark passage, and disappeared into the legal
luminary’s sanctum, whence he shortly returned on tiptoe, and informed
Mr. Perker and Mr. Pickwick that the Serjeant had been prevailed upon,
in violation of all established rules and customs, to admit them at
once.
Mr. Serjeant Snubbins was a lantern-faced, sallow-complexioned man, of
about five-and-forty, or--as the novels say--he might be fifty. He had
that dull-looking, boiled eye which is often to be seen in the heads of
people who have applied themselves during many years to a weary and
laborious course of study; and which would have been sufficient, without
the additional eyeglass which dangled from a broad black riband round
his neck, to warn a stranger that he was very near-sighted. His hair was
thin and weak, which was partly attributable to his having never devoted
much time to its arrangement, and partly to his having worn for five-
and-twenty years the forensic wig which hung on a block beside him. The
marks of hairpowder on his coat-collar, and the ill-washed and worse