The possessed or, The devils
heard a great deal about you, too. Let me introduce you to Mavriky
Nikolaevitch too, he's a splendid person. I had formed a funny notion of
you already. You're Stepan Trofimovitch's confidant, aren't you?"
I turned rather red.
"Ach, forgive me, please. I used quite the wrong word: not funny at all,
but only..." She was confused and blushed. "Why be ashamed though at
your being a splendid person? Well, it's time we were going, Mavriky
Nikolaevitch! Stepan Trofimovitch, you must be with us in half an hour.
Mercy, what a lot we shall talk! Now I'm your confidante, and about
everything, _everything,_ you understand?"
Stepan Trofimovitch was alarmed at once.
"Oh, Mavriky Nikolaevitch knows everything, don't mind him!"
"What does he know?"
"Why, what do you mean?" she cried in astonishment. "Bah, why it's true
then that they're hiding it! I wouldn't believe it! And they're hiding
Dasha, too. Aunt wouldn't let me go in to see Dasha to-day. She says
she's got a headache."
"But... but how did you find out?"
"My goodness, like every one else. That needs no cunning!"
"But does every one else...?"
"Why, of course. Mother, it's true, heard it first through Alyona
Frolovna, my nurse; your Nastasya ran round to tell her. You told
Nastasya, didn't you? She says you told her yourself."
"I... I did once speak," Stepan Trofimovitch faltered, crimsoning all
over, "but... I only hinted... _j'étais si nerveux et malade, et
puis_..."
She laughed.
"And your confidant didn't happen to be at hand, and Nastasya turned up.
Well that was enough! And the whole town's full of her cronies! Come, it
doesn't matter, let them know; it's all the better. Make haste and come
to us, we dine early.... Oh, I forgot," she added, sitting down again;
"listen, what sort of person is Shatov?"
"Shatov? He's the brother of Darya Pavlovna."
"I know he's her brother! What a person you are, really," she
interrupted impatiently. "I want to know what he's like; what sort of
man he is."
_"C'est un pense-creux d'ici. C'est le meilleur et le plus irascible
homme du monde."_
"I've heard that he's rather queer. But that wasn't what I meant. I've
heard that he knows three languages, one of them English, and can do
literary work. In that case I've a lot of work for him. I want someone
to help me and the sooner the better. Would he take the work or not?
He's been recommended to me...."
"Oh, most certainly he will. _Et vous ferez un bienfait_...."
"I'm not doing it as a _bienfait_. I need someone to help me."
"I know Shatov pretty well," I said, "and if you will trust me with a
message to him I'll go to him this minute."
"Tell him to come to me at twelve o'clock to-morrow morning. Capital!
Thank you. Mavriky Nikolaevitch, are you ready?"
They went away. I ran at once, of course, to Shatov.
_"Mon ami!"_ said Stepan Trofimovitch, overtaking me on the steps. "Be
sure to be at my lodging at ten or eleven o'clock when I come back. Oh,
I've acted very wrongly in my conduct to you and to every one."
VIII
I did not find Shatov at home. I ran round again, two hours later. He
was still out. At last, at eight o'clock I went to him again, meaning
to leave a note if I did not find him; again I failed to find him. His
lodging was shut up, and he lived alone without a servant of any sort.
I did think of knocking at Captain Lebyadkin's down below to ask about
Shatov; but it was all shut up below, too, and there was no sound or
light as though the place were empty. I passed by Lebyadkin's door with
curiosity, remembering the stories I had heard that day. Finally, I made
up my mind to come very early next morning. To tell the truth I did not
put much confidence in the effect of a note. Shatov might take no notice
of it; he was so obstinate and shy. Cursing my want of success, I was
going out of the gate when all at once I stumbled on Mr. Kirillov.
He was going into the house and he recognised me first. As he began
questioning me of himself, I told him how things were, and that I had a
note.
"Let us go in," said he, "I will do everything."
I remembered that Liputin had told us he had taken the wooden lodge in
the yard that morning. In the lodge, which was too large for him, a deaf
old woman who waited upon him was living too. The owner of the house had
moved into a new house in another street, where he kept a restaurant,
and this old woman, a relation of his, I believe, was left behind to
look after everything in the old house. The rooms in the lodge were
fairly clean, though the wall-papers were dirty. In the one we went into
the furniture was of different sorts, picked up here and there, and all
utterly worthless. There were two card-tables, a chest of drawers made
of elder, a big deal table that must have come from some peasant hut
or kitchen, chairs and a sofa with trellis-work back and hard leather
cushions. In one corner there was an old-fashioned ikon, in front of
which the old woman had lighted a lamp before we came in, and on the
walls hung two dingy oil-paintings, one, a portrait of the Tsar Nikolas
I, painted apparently between 1820 and 1830; the other the portrait of
some bishop. Mr. Kirillov lighted a candle and took out of his trunk,
which stood not yet unpacked in a corner, an envelope, sealing-wax, and
a glass seal.
"Seal your note and address the envelope."
I would have objected that this was unnecessary, but he insisted. When I
had addressed the envelope I took my cap.
"I was thinking you'd have tea," he said. "I have bought tea. Will you?"
I could not refuse. The old woman soon brought in the tea, that is, a
very large tea-pot of boiling water, a little tea-pot full of strong
tea, two large earthenware cups, coarsely decorated, a fancy loaf, and a
whole deep saucer of lump sugar.
"I love tea at night," said he. "I walk much and drink it till daybreak.
Abroad tea at night is inconvenient."
"You go to bed at daybreak?"
"Always; for a long while. I eat little; always tea. Liputin's sly, but
impatient."
I was surprised at his wanting to talk; I made up my mind to take
advantage of the opportunity. "There were unpleasant misunderstandings
this morning," I observed.
He scowled.
"That's foolishness; that's great nonsense. All this is nonsense because
Lebyadkin is drunk. I did not tell Liputin, but only explained the
nonsense, because he got it all wrong. Liputin has a great deal of
fantasy, he built up a mountain out of nonsense. I trusted Liputin
yesterday."
"And me to-day?" I said, laughing.
"But you see, you knew all about it already this morning; Liputin is
weak or impatient, or malicious or... he's envious."
The last word struck me.
"You've mentioned so many adjectives, however, that it would be strange
if one didn't describe him."
"Or all at once."
"Yes, and that's what Liputin really is--he's a chaos. He was lying this
morning when he said you were writing something, wasn't he?
"Why should he?" he said, scowling again and staring at the floor.
I apologised, and began assuring him that I was not inquisitive. He
flushed.
"He told the truth; I am writing. Only that's no matter."
We were silent for a minute. He suddenly smiled with the childlike smile
I had noticed that morning.
"He invented that about heads himself out of a book, and told me first
himself, and understands badly. But I only seek the causes why men dare
not kill themselves; that's all. And it's all no matter."
"How do you mean they don't dare? Are there so few suicides?"
"Very few."
"Do you really think so?"
He made no answer, got up, and began walking to and fro lost in thought.
"What is it restrains people from suicide, do you think?" I asked.
He looked at me absent-mindedly, as though trying to remember what we
were talking about.
"I... I don't know much yet.... Two prejudices restrain them, two
things; only two, one very little, the other very big."
"What is the little thing?"
"Pain."
"Pain? Can that be of importance at such a moment?"
"Of the greatest. There are two sorts: those who kill themselves either
from great sorrow or from spite, or being mad, or no matter what...
they do it suddenly. They think little about the pain, but kill
themselves suddenly. But some do it from reason--they think a great
deal."
"Why, are there people who do it from reason?"
"Very many. If it were not for superstition there would be more, very
many, all."
"What, all?"
He did not answer.
"But aren't there means of dying without pain?"
"Imagine"--he stopped before me--"imagine a stone as big as a great
house; it hangs and you are under it; if it falls on you, on your head,
will it hurt you?"
"A stone as big as a house? Of course it would be fearful."
"I speak not of the fear. Will it hurt?"
"A stone as big as a mountain, weighing millions of tons? Of course it
wouldn't hurt."
"But really stand there and while it hangs you will fear very much that
it will hurt. The most learned man, the greatest doctor, all, all will
be very much frightened. Every one will know that it won't hurt, and
every one will be afraid that it will hurt."
"Well, and the second cause, the big one?"
"The other world!"
"You mean punishment?"
"That's no matter. The other world; only the other world."
"Are there no atheists, such as don't believe in the other world at
all?"
Again he did not answer.
"You judge from yourself, perhaps."
"Every one cannot judge except from himself," he said, reddening. "There
will be full freedom when it will be just the same to live or not to
live. That's the goal for all."
"The goal? But perhaps no one will care to live then?"
"No one," he pronounced with decision.
"Man fears death because he loves life. That's how I understand it," I
observed, "and that's determined by nature."
"That's abject; and that's where the deception comes in." His eyes
flashed. "Life is pain, life is terror, and man is unhappy. Now all is
pain and terror. Now man loves life, because he loves pain and terror,
and so they have done according. Life is given now for pain and terror,
and that's the deception. Now man is not yet what he will be. There will
be a new man, happy and proud. For whom it will be the same to live or
not to live, he will be the new man. He who will conquer pain and terror
will himself be a god. And this God will not be."
"Then this God does exist according to you?"
"He does not exist, but He is. In the stone there is no pain, but in the
fear of the stone is the pain. God is the pain of the fear of death. He
who will conquer pain and terror will become himself a god. Then there
will be a new life, a new man; everything will be new... then they will
divide history into two parts: from the gorilla to the annihilation of
God, and from the annihilation of God to..."
"To the gorilla?"
"... To the transformation of the earth, and of man physically. Man
will be God, and will be transformed physically, and the world will
be transformed and things will be transformed and thoughts and all
feelings. What do you think: will man be changed physically then?"
"If it will be just the same living or not living, all will kill
themselves, and perhaps that's what the change will be?"
"That's no matter. They will kill deception. Every one who wants the
supreme freedom must dare to kill himself. He who dares to kill himself
has found out the secret of the deception. There is no freedom beyond;
that is all, and there is nothing beyond. He who dares kill himself is
God. Now every one can do so that there shall be no God and shall be
nothing. But no one has once done it yet."
"There have been millions of suicides."
"But always not for that; always with terror and not for that object.